Shawn Harris Blog and Journals

I’m both sad and happy to have experienced The Matches last SoCal show. They are quirky, theatrical and amazingly talented group of men who captivate their loyal, “cult-ish” (that came from the mouth of Harris, not me) fans from first chord to last bow.  Sigh.

I'm sad to say that one of my favorite bands, The Matches has decided to go on a hiatus.

Here's a link for the bands Myspace blog : http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=2641990&blogID=499391240

I was lucky enough to see them last year on the AP Tour. They really were a great band who created some awesome music, I'm really going to miss them as a group. But at least  they're all going on with different acts. I'm sure they're going to go on and create some more, amazing art and music!

I would have typed out the next part to my Alex story, but I was watching the debate so I'm just going to publish an old oneshot.

"Hey Ashley, since we've been best friends with each other for a while and such... Hey Sexy, just kidding, well I don’t mean you're not sexy because you are, I mean..."

I rested both my hands and my head on the bathroom mirror and sighed. Asking someone out isn't as easy as the movies make it seem. Especially when its your best friend. I had decided that today was going to be the day that I was going to do it. I had been practicing all day and I had finally got my act down. Well... almost got my act down.

"Well you know what? Girls like it when you're spontaneous. So I'll just show up, say whatever comes to mind, and all will be good." But what if she says no? What if she ends up never speaking to me again? I started getting the same feeling that had been preventing me from acting out on my task for weeks, but I shook it off. No. Today was the day I was going to do it. Nothing was going to stop me. Nothing. I walked out of my bathroom, being still in my towel since I had just got out of the shower, to get dressed when I looked at my alarm clock. It read 4:47.

"Shit", I exclaimed out loud. "She's going to be to work at six. I have to hurry up." I walked over to my closet and opened it. It was all but empty except for an orange Cher shirt (don’t ask) and red pants.

"What the fuck?" I muttered in confusion. Oh yeah. All my clothes are in the laundry. I left my room and walked down the pure white placid hallway towards the kitchen which was right next to the garage door. Inside the garage was a bunch of hot air, some boxes of random stuff, Jon's car, the washer and dryer, and an empty basket that should have been full of my clean clothes. It wasn’t. Instead it was the same old musty ones that I had sent to be washed last night along with the other clothes of everyone else in the house.

"Justin!" I hollered back into the house. "Why didn’t you wash the clothes?!"

"I forgot", Justin yelled back from some random place in the house.

I grabbed clumps my still damp hair in frustration. "Well that’s just awesome", I muttered to myself. I returned to my room and just stared at the only two articles of clothing in closet. What was she going to say when I came to her house and asked her out looking flaming gay?

"You better hope she thinks its hot", I sighed in reply to myself. I dressed myself and looked at myself in the mirror again. The pants were so tight, they looked like they were painted on me as did the shirt. I looked so gay. I scowled at my reflection in the mirror and tried to comb my hair in a somewhat straight looking style before leaving my room. I walked into the living room where Matt was watching Charmed. The pants were so tight I could barely put one feet in front of the other. He looked up at me and my discomfort when I entered the room and burst into laughter.

"Wow, Shawn, I didn’t know about the gay pride parade was today."

"Shut up", I said grabbing my keys off the coffee table. "All my other clothes are dirty."

"Whatever", Matt chuckled. "So is today the day?"

I paused. I had been trying to do this for so long, that it had become a routine.

"Yeah", I muttered walking towards the front door.

"Well it looks like you've made it to the door", he said turning his attention back to the TV. "Let's see how far you get after this."

I paused again with my hand on the doorknob. This was one of the rare occasions where I had actually made it to the door without losing my nerve. I usually never made it out of my room. Once I was so courageous, I was actually driving down her street before, I got so nervous, I almost hyperventilated and sped away.

This time none of that was going to happen. I was going to arrive confidently on her doorstep, tell her how I felt, and ask her out. And there wasn’t a nerve in my body that was going to stop me.

I walked out of the apartment and into the light of the day where my life was about to change. Actually there wasn’t much light out. It was really cloudy and gray. What if this is some kind of omen?

I was about to turn back and go back in the house but I stopped myself. No. I'm not going to back out today. This time I'm actually going to do it.

I walked down the stone stairs that led from the line of apartments where I lived on the second story and to the ground and pressed the unlock button on the little black remote on my key chain that belonged to my precious red mustang in the parking lot. I pulled its sleek, red handle and got inside. Instead of starting the car, however, I just sat in the leather front seat and fiddled with my keys. I had hardly ever made it to the car. I knew that the armor that was protecting my nerves from giving out was going to waste away soon, so I had to act fast.

I put the key in the ignition and drove out of the parking lot. I was only about half a mile down the street and I was already gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white.

Maybe I just need some calming music I reached over and turned on the stereo and the car was filled with the sound of Say Anything. Ashley's favorite band. I immediately changed the channel to another station and Say Anything was replaced with My Chemical Romance. Ashley's first concert. I turned the station again and it landed on an Usher song. Ashley has a poster of Usher in her room for the sake of being random.

"Damn", I muttered. It seemed as if every song on the radio was going to, in some way, remind me of her, so I turned the radio off and stopped at a stop sign. Instead of continuing driving, however, I just put my head on the steering wheel and sighed loudly and in frustration.

"There's no way I'm going to actually be able to walk up to her and do this", I mumbled as I closed my eyes. Then, as if the answer was written on the back of my eyelids, it came to me.

I know! I'll just call her and ask her out! It was the perfect plan! Instead of being to nervous from trying to do it in person, I'll call her and do it on the phone where I can't even see her. It won't even matter if I'm shaking or throwing up, as long as she can't hear me do it.

I sat up excitedly and took my phone out of my pocket as a started pressed the gas again, searching for a place to turn around and go back home since I didn’t even need to go to her house at this point.

My smile soon faded though. Because right when I opened the phone, it displayed a mocking message on its rectangular screen that read "Low Battery", then beeped out a teasing laugh before turning off right when I need most in what seemed like my life.

"Damn!" I screamed throwing the phone somewhere to the seat beside me. I turned around, went back to the same stop sign as before and assumed the position.

What am I going to do now? My phone died. Now my plans were out the window.

Says who? I still had a perfectly good plan. I wasn’t going to let one backstabbing cell phone ruin my plan.

I looked up and saw the road ahead. In town, there was stores with pay phones where I could call her. I could just go back home and call but Matt's taunting would probably make me loose my nerve. Besides, in town I could get myself something to eat. Asking your best friend out can work up an appetite.

I drove into town and stopped at the first gas station I saw. I got out and looked around. There was barley anyone at the gas station just a ratty looking hobo sitting out by the door and a happy looking young couple walking out of the store with a jumbo bag of Doritos. The girl was leaning on her boyfriend and he had his arm possessively and lovingly around her. The boy was smiling down at her tenderly. He looked so happy. I wanted to break his jaw. I scowled as if the aura of love radiating off of them was some rancid stench as they got into their car that was parked next to mine and drove off. My scowl faded when I saw the payphone standing invitingly next to the hobo. The phone receiver on the hook shined brighter to my right then more than any treasure could. I practically ran to it and pulled two quarters out of my pocket. I took the phone out of the hook, put the quarters in and dialed the number. My pulse sped up as the phone started ringing. On the second ring it stopped.

"Hello?" a voice answered. It was Valerie, Ashley's friend and roommate.

I tried to open my mouth and ask for Ashley, but my mouth dried up.

"Hello?" Valerie asked again.

"I-is Ashley there?" I forced.

"Shawn?" Valerie asked. "Is that you? What's wrong."

I tried to keep control of my nerve. "I need to talk Ashley."

"Why? Is today the day?"

Why does everyone keep asking me that? "Uhh... Yeah."

"Aww that’s cute. Why don’t you come down here and ask her."

I closed my eyes and leaved against my arm with was resting on top of the pay phone. "I'm too nervous."

Valerie laughed at me which made me flinch. "That's cute. But you have to come down here. She's going to think you don’t care that much if you call her from a pay phone and do it."

"I know, but I don’t want to lose my nerve. What if she says no."

"She won't. Trust me. Now come down here because I'm not going to give her the phone." She hung up before I could say anything else and I put the phone back on the hook and leaned against the wall of the gas station.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed sinking down to the ground next to the hobo with my hands on my forehead and in hair.

"What's wrong with you, young man?", the old thickly bearded hobo beside my asked with an deep raggedy voice. "Your boyfriend break up with ya?"

"I'm not gay", I replied still in the same position as before.

"Boy, you even look like a flame with those clothes ya a'wearing there. You're gayer than all out doors"

"I'm not gay", I repeated louder. "In fact, I was just trying to ask a girl out."

"Well why didn’t ya, boy?"

"I'm too nervous. I don’t know what she'll say."

"Do ya love her?"

"Yes. More than I could ever tell her."

"Well than do it, son. When I was your age, I felt the same way about a girl. What a beauty she was, but I could never tell her how I felt."

"What happened?" I inquired, getting interested in the hobo's story.

"She ended up marrying my brother. Now they live in Utah with 13 kids. Don't let that happen to you, son. Ya hear?"

I nodded and got up with new found courage. "Thanks."

"No problem. Just be sure to tell that girl you're gay, okay boy?"

I didn’t even turn back around to defend my sexual orientation. Instead I went into the store. It was empty except for the clerk, an Arabian guy who looked like he was around 40. I went down the food filled aisle and got a bag of Funyons. On my way to the front, I also grabbed a bag of sunflower seeds. Ashley went ape-shit over those. She'll be happy to see that I got her some.

I put my stuff on the counter and pulled out my wallet for a few bucks.

"Hey is that your car outside?" the clerk asked.

"Yeah", I replied proudly, not looking up. "Isn't she a beaut?"

"Yeah", he answered. "She's also missing a stereo."

"What?!" I exclaimed looking up and out the glass double doors where I saw that same hobo I was talking to only a minute before running off with my car stereo in hand.

"Hey!" I yelled running outside, but by the time I got there the hobo was clear across the highway.

I stressfully grabbed some clumps of my hair again and screamed. "What the fuck, man! I thought we were friends!" I looked at my car and saw that the drivers side window was busted. I screamed some more. "You ruined my car, you bastard!"

I stormed back in the store, threw a few dollars on the counter, and took the food.

"Keep the change", I muttered storming back out of the car and pulled the handle. The door came open without a hitch. It was unlocked.

"You see that, you asshole?! The door was unlocked! You didn’t even have to break the window." By that time, I was yelling at no one. The hobo was long gone. I was yelling at an imaginary hobo. I could feel drops of rain falling on me.

I got in the car, but it offered little protection from the rain drops that were growing and numbers and size. I put the key in the ignition and started the car. I drove out of the parking lot of the gas station and down the highway. The rain was making it hard to see but it didn’t matter. Even though there were other cars on the street, I could make it to her apartment with my eyes close. I was getting closer by the second, but that didn’t matter to me. Because I had lost my nerve. Truly lost my nerve. No there was nothing stopping me from doing what I needed to do.

Finally I was in the parking lot of her apartment. I got the bag of sunflower seeds and got out. The rain came down hard on me. Immediately soaking me. I didn’t care. Even though I could barley see from the rain, I found her apartment. I knocked on the door. Ashley answered.

"Shawn?" she asked when she saw me. "What's wrong? Your soaking wet. Come in." She stood aside but I didn’t budge. Instead I held out the bag of sunflower seeds to her somewhat like a toddler would.

"Uhh.. Thanks", she said taking them from me. "I was going to get-" I cut her off by grabbing her by the shoulders and kissing her long and hard.

I pulled away but still kept my face close to her's. "Will you go out with me."

She nodded. She was getting wet. Maybe from the rain outside or maybe from the water that was coming off my body. "You don’t know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that."