school Blog and Journals

just came back from this jew retreat with a bunch of jews (what a coinky dink) and i got to escape life for a bit. Some things of course were corny but thats what happens when you tell 30 high schoolers that the theme is mystery and someone stole out cookies!! of course there was jewishness and the thing about that being different from jesus camp(from what ive seen on tv, ive never been) is that kids who dont really believe go because being jewish is very cultural and in no way is it taboo not to believe in god there. We had discussions about out insecurities and identity and did those step back if u feel this way exercises. Instead of staying at the whole dance i brought people back to my room where i took out my lap top and showed my talents. This kid kept saying how amazing it is that im not sampling annoying songs and actually choosing songs the way they were written and on the spot choosing them for the right time. Foals, to Paper Route, to Pink Floyd, to the Clash, to TAI and it all worked. They were impressed and educated in music!

The most intense was when we where hanging out on the last night there knowing that we would have something planned, a campfire, and then a dance. Little did we know we were to be kidnapped. We were blindfolded and told to shut up and stay put. They put stickers on us and constantly told us what sacks of shit we were. Then we had to walk holding the person in front's shoulders. The person behind me starting breaking off (they had us go ten times faster than any trust walk u would ever do) and i got so nervous for her i held my hand out and said her name. Then to be called a "retard who doesnt know how to close her fucking mouth" or something along those lines. We were send into a echo-y room and then sat down and read to. From the beginning i knew it would have to do with displacement. The stories were about sex slavery and human trafficking. Last my brother, who is maybe the coolest person ever, did a report on human trafficking. That boy can make a good presentation (i wish i could find his one on Tupac but it was all in spanish for his final)and i learned a shitload. I also read the paper and the new yorker so im one of those well informed kids. But we got to write on these huge papers on the wall about different excerpts and then went into group. Stickers represented how many of us were men or women and if we died while taken, trafficked, prisoner, or escaped. Later we talked and i ended up saying that the song "we are broken" by paramore was super intense and just makes you think everytime you hear it. Well it did after i saw some things. It was on the back of a twloha shirt and sang for love416 and i know they are associated with invisible children. I have donated to all of those at one point among other things and shared that before we went off to campfire. Just wanna let you know that is something like drugs and violence that is on such a huge level and small levels. The difference is the huge levels for everything else is political. Opium War, Iran Contra, things like that. It could be stopped but the outcome is somewhat controlled. The smaller level for pleasure and power doestn stop but when prostitution is in a smaller sense they are treated better than in bigger senses which is the opposite of the other things. The pimp recruits those people and often does other things so those women could leave but what else are they gonna do. On the larger scale these people are worth less than nickels when they are sold and then get bastards 100 fold a fuck. And as long as a horny john is out there with money and an ego with to many hits he's gonna pay for that. got home so i had to say that

Now that im back home i have to go back to school and back to this world where all i wanna worry about is everyone else. I hate this selfish feeling where there is soo much pressure on me i have to be such a bitch. I dont feel myself anymore and the stress has made my crazy good memory turn to shit so easy grades are slipping. The english teachers jump straight into the new way of writing so theres my B- for what would have been an A last year. MY science teacher thinks the fact that im having trouble doing the corrections for my labs is fucking me up so much but i have a b+. Recently i cant even read directions im so anxious about everything and there is no good reason. My spanish teacher makes me want to shoot my face off because im forgetting things but my ego is to big to tell that douche of a teacher that my anxiety(which happens to be a medical disorder) is making everything harder. I tried to be chivalrous in class a few days back because i didnt study to write music with my friend. Couldnt even take that and is so pissed that he doesnt get my inside joke with a friend. I hate Geometery because last year it was about figuring things out using your brain. Now its about kissing ass and thorwing your own will to do anything out the window. My teacher's leniancy is .5 or 1/2 thats all i can decide what to do when i solve the problem. the performing arts at my school is goin down because now all that matters is sports but i will keep doing it at home and just do other things next year. Its just depressing the was they change things so teachers can feel good about themselves and the stats of ranked players they have. I dont care how prestigous the school is i like to learn. I dont care where i go to college. I want to learn for the sake of learning because i am a geek and that is fun not for the test. I took the SATS before i turned 14 and did ok, I dont see the purpose. Of course i get yelled at by these children whose parents have convinced them that legacy is nothing to be ashamed of and they just cant get caught: cheating/with steriods,pot,and shit. Nothings bad enough to leave my school but the fact that what i do and love is so down low on their list gets me pissed. A lot of teachers understand. The ones who fuck everything up is admissions office who stress the football qb's huge biceps and our schools crest. The head of school and president and all those high up people actually are trying to do the right thing. ITs the small amount of people with power that do it and the parents who convince teachers to scare poor ninth graders about college transcripts.

IF any of this strikes a chord. If you agree disagree. IF you want to talk about anything or if you want to tell me to shout something very loudly from a window. just comment. expect more rants cuz thing makes me feel better!!!

Thank you and please do comments if you have any thoughts