rehab Blog and Journals

sorry that i don't have my banner. im on my dads computer and my computer has a virus so i probably wont be haing a banner on here for right now.

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I woke up to a beeping sound.

I was hooked up to all sorts of confusing tangled wires.

I looked up to see where I was. I started looking on my left side and once I got to my right side I must've not have noticed that my mom was sitting there asleep in a chair that was by the window.

The sun was shining in making an attempt to make things better in my life.

Me and my moms relationship was good. We talked almost everyday she was released from rehab, but then she stayed and went on a trip that they did every year.

They travel around the country with other people that had been in the rehab also they spread the word that you can always get help or help someone.

I hadn't seen her thought it was the first time that I had saw her since the day of the fire. Memories that I had of her just had kinda faded like photographs.

She looked so much better, she looked alive. I saw something about her that I hadn't seen in a while she looked genuinely happy.

Most importantly she looked very healthy.

She looked peaceful as she slept. I was looking her over when I glanced at her hand.

A sparkle caught my eye.

Did she really? Is that a wedding ring?

                                                        Alex's P.O.V.

I had just left the hospital.

I was with Noel's mom's husband. Turns out that they had got married a few months ago.

He said that they had met in his home state of Arizona. She was doing the Spread the Word yearly mission.

He worked at one of the places that they had visited and well he claims the rest is history.

He was really cool. He said that he al;so had children too, but they mainly lived with their mom and step dad.

We were going to go and pick up some real food so that we didn't have to eat the mystery meat in  the hospital's cafeteria.

I was so worried and stressed out about Noel. I don't care about what happened a few nights ago.

I just wanted to know that she was okay.

                                                       Noel's P.O.V.

I sat there in complete shock.

How could she go and get married and not tell me about it.

She started to slightly wake up. When she was fully awake she looked up and noticed that I was awake and giving her the deah glare.

"Noel, honey your-" I cut her off.

"Pissed off, hurt, feeling sorta betrayed......because of you"

"What are you talking about?" She asked confused.

"How could you go and get married and not tell me?!" I asked  hoping that my voice wouldn't betray me.

"Noel I can explain"

"Save it. Get out of my room!" I was now starting to get loud with her.

"What?"

"Did I stutter? Or did you not hear me because you were too busy thinking of whoever you married?"

"Noel" She was crying.

"Get the fuck out I don't want to talk to you right now."

"No....Noel let me just talk to you for a second." she was now pleading.

"Shut up and stop crying."

She got up and left. Just as Alex had walked in.

"Hey babe. How you doing?"

"I'm good. Am I a horrible daughter for screaming at my mom for getting married and not telling me."

"No your not your just hurt right now. That's all."

"Whatever she betrayed me she said that she would always be honest with whats going on in her life."

"Noel just be happy for her."

"I am I'm just mad about her not telling me. Why didn't she tell me. I mean she coulda asked for my opinion abot it. I feel as if now she's just going to abandon me for this dickwad she married."

"Well babe this dickwad that she married is pretty cool and I lthink you should meet him before you set your mind on that you hate him."

I sighed. "Great your already on their side."

He looked at me with a oh come on just give in look.

"Noel there's no side."

"Yes there is."

"Noel put up or shut up. Listen to me I want you to meet him and I promise your going to like him. she's not going to abandon you. You should see how happy she is when with him."

"What bout my happiness?"

"Noel. the world doesn't revolve around you! everyone helped you when the fire happened and we were all there for you. Now it's time for you to be there for someone else that someone else is your mom."

I woke up to a beeping noise.

"She's awake" I slowly opened my eyes to see Alex with tears in his eyes.

"A-Ale.."

"Noel, shh. don't talk you need to rest."

"What happened?"

"Don't worry we just want you to be ok. Please just rest for me"

After that I drifted into a deep sleep.

                              Alex's P.O.V.

I sat there and watched the person that I was falling for lay there in a hospital bed, feeling helpless.

"Noel just please stay awake. Please get a grip and get out your safe."

The doctor entered the room. "Sir are you part of her family?"

"Yes sir I'm her fiance."

"Her surgery went well, well she fainted and hit her head on the rock, it didn't do damage to her. She only had to get a few stitches. She's going to be a little sore, but that is  what her pain killers will be for."

"Ok. thank you so much. HOw is her mom?"

"That's another story. This morning she released and sent to a treatment facility for her alcohol and drugs problem. Turns out the reason  why she had passed out and wouldn't wake up was because she overdosed on cocaine. Does NOel have a place to stay?"

"Yes she will be staying with me."

"Ok, just sign the release papers ad when she feels good then yo guys can leave."

Wow how am I going to tell her about her mom? Why didn't she ever talk to me about it? She would've told me later probably we just started seeing eachother.

"Alex" she opened her eyes slightly.

"Yeah, Noel?"

"Can we leave. I hate hospitals."

"Ok let me go get a wheel chair for you. I don't want you to be walking or moving around."

In 20 minutes we were out and on our way to our place.

                                        Noel's P.O.V.

It was a silent car ride.

"So what happened?"

"Noel I'm not sure how to say or put this."

"Please Alex just tell me."

"Your mom is in rehab. and the reason the fire started was because whateer was cooking on the stove caught the curtain and it started a fire. Your mom supposedly overdosed on cocaine. They couldn't get her awake, but somehow a miracle happened once she woke up, they decided to release her and send her to treatment."

Tears slowly slid down my cheek.

I knew she had a drinking problem but now my mom was a cokehead.

I felt Alex's warm hand find my lifeless cold hand.

"Noel it's going to be fine. You're going to stay with me until everything is back to normal." He said with sincereity in his voice.

"It was never normal" I said flatly.

"The reason we moved here was to break away from me and my mom's old life. The reason I don't have or talk about my dad is because he left me and my mom to die of not having a way to support me and her. He molested me when I was 9 years old. I told my mom when I was 14. She didn't beleive me, but even if she did she couldn't leave him. He was our provider without him we wouldn't be able to survive. She had a little money saved up but not much." Now I was starting to really cry. I hadn't ever talked to anyone about that very day.

I continued "One day me and my mom went out for a girls day. We came home to an empty abandoned house. The only stuff that was in there was my things and her things. He left a note saying that he was gone and never coming back and that he sold the house and me and my mom had 2 weeks to gather up our things and get out. We were staying at random motels for a few months. Until my aunt offered to buy a house for us to stay in out here in Maryland. So we moved here and now I'm going through hell.....again."

"I know you've had many disappointments in your life Noel. This I promise you here I will not let you down I'm going to always be there for you no matter what. I promise."

"Alex that means alot to me thank you so much. So I'm staying with you?"

"Nope. Your staying at a hotel."

"Oh. kk." I said with sadness in my voice.

"Hey Noel I'm just kidding I would never make you stay at a hotel. Of course your staying with me." 

I looked at him and we stared at each other for a minute.

I started to realize that I'm falling in love with someone. For the first time.

---

So what do you think?

 

Part Five:

Tom's P.O.V

I sat down at the kitchen table, I didn't want to tell Bill, more because I didn't know how, but mainly because I knew Allistar wasn't a bad person, he was a good boy. I don't know how someone so smart could make such ignorant choices, and I had no choice but to tell his father.

 

I waited until I was finished cleaning up, and calm to call Bill. I waited for the phone to stop ringing and Bill to answer.

 

"Tom, you wont believe this, I have so much great news!" he said, I sighed, of course, he is happy and I am going to spoil it.

 

"Bill, something is wrong." I said

 

"And we have so much work to do when I get, wait, what?" He said

 

"Something is wrong, here, I thought I could handle it, and I can but you need to know, because it's getting bad." I said

 

"What's wrong Tom, are the kids ok?" He said I could hear the panic in his voice.

 

"As much as I would like to say yes, no, he kids are not ok." I said

 

"What happened is any one hurt?" I asked. I couldn't find the way to tell him.

 

"Look Bill Allistar has been acting bad, he lost his temper and chain-sawed the girl's door down, the girl's both left with Gustav." I said

 

"Both? What the fuck made him do this?" He asked becoming angry instead of panicked

 

"He got in an argument with Rose, I am worried about his, um problem." I said

 

"what problem?" He asked, I couldn't tell him.

"His anger, I am going to speak with him now." I said

 

"Oh, well tell him to call me first thing tomorrow." He said

 

"How's Sam?" I asked changing the subject

 

"Oh great, she is great, the doctor is seeing a great improvement, maybe we'll be home this week, and you wont have to mess with those demon I call my children." He said

 

"I am just glad I can give them back to you," I laughed, " What was your good news again?" I asked

 

"Oh, Tom, Tokio Hotel is back, I have wrote enough songs for two albums!" I said

 

"Really? Oh this is great news, I began to think about my life, we are back for sure?" I said my heart was pounding.

 

"Yes, Tom, yes, I called David, he can't wait to meet us in the studio, I can't wait either," He said I heard him talking to someone, " Hey I have to go, but don't forget to have my son call me." he said hanging up. I looked down, if something were to happen to that boy, I would blame myself for not saying something when I knew I should.

 

I walked up the steps, and knocked on Allistar's door, I waited a minute before he opened it. He looked at me, his eyes were a light shade of red, but this time from crying. His eyes were swollen and his nose was running.

 

"Can I come in." I asked looking at him, he stepped aside, I looked around his room, which had changed drastically since I had been in it. Sadly the last time I had been in here, it was painted a light shade of blue, almost grey, and there was a crib and all sorts of baby things in it. Now it was painted lime green and black. He had a few pictures of me and him hung up.

 

"Allistar..." I began

 

"You told my dad, I am in trouble and your disappointed, save it for dad ok?" He said

 

"No, Allistar, because I didn't tell him everything, for one reason." I began he looked up at me.

 

"I want you to change now, no more of this bullshit, you could have hurt your sisters." I said

 

"You know what, if Lily and Rose weren't the favorites, I wouldn't always look like the bad one, or become the invisible one." He said.

"Despite what you believe Allistar, we do love and care very much about you, there were a lot of things given up when you were born because you needed us, and none of us, none of us, hesitated." I said leaving him in his room. I wanted to ask him to give me everything he had, but I decided to go to bed, I would worry about it all in the morning.

 

I tried to sleep, but I jumped at every sound, even making sure Allistar was in his room all night, that it wasn't a surprise that I slept passed Allistar catching the bus. But when I woke up, I showered and stood outside of his bedroom door, pacing back and fourth, pacing and debating. Finally I followed through, I opened the bedroom door, scoping it out first, I shook my head and starting to rummage. I knew he was going to be upset, I knew he would know it was me, but it was the only way to really help him.

 

I was never a snoop but my nephew needed this, I found every possible stash he could have had, and I was so surprised at the amount that I found. It was spread around his whole room, in the smallest places, he even had some in his vents. I boxed it all up, placing it underneath my arms. I took one more look, then left to hide it in a place he would ever find, some place he wouldn't think to look. I started my car and placed the box on the floor, driving as safely as possible, I couldn't imagine getting pulled over with this in my car, I had even considered selling it, to see how much he spent on it.

 

I pulled up to a familiar gas station, every event was replaying in my head, and that's when it hit me. I couldn't judge him, because even then I learned everyone makes mistakes, it was just about taking the consequences and learning from the mistake, I was going to be the one to help him.

 

Bill's P.O.V

I pulled up to our house, it's not that I didn't trust Tom, I knew how my children could be. Leaving Sam was the hard part, but I trusted Dunja. Not to mention she was now discharged and only in London awaiting the trial against her mother. So I had plenty of time. Tom wasn't home, but something about the house didn't feel empty, someone was there. I glanced down at my watch to see that it was two-forty.

 

I walked in about to announce my arrival, when I heard glass shattering, after being a victim of a vandalizing, I ran to the bottom of the steps. I ran up the steps throwing Allistar's bedroom door open. Allistar was standing over a broken guitar, he glared at me.

 

"What are you doing home from school so early?" I asked. Allistar didn't say one word, I wasn't sure of his anger, but I didn't have much time to question it, he threw his fist in my direction, I wasn't ready for it, I attempted to jump out of his way, but not in time. He hit me square in my jaw.

 

"Where is it?" He asked

"Where is what? I said placing my hand over my jaw.

 

"Don't play stupid, he called and Told you everything, I know he told you, why else would you be here, now where is it." He said, I tried to understand what was even going on. I was so confused and now hurting that I turned to leave him, but he jumped on my back putting his arms around my neck as if he were going to choke me. I pulled his hands off dropping him. Spinning around , I held him back as he furiously swung at me.

 

"What's your deal?" I asked

 

"You want to know why I do it is that it?" He asked

 

"Do what, Allistar what are you going on about?" I asked

 

"I do it because of you, you hate that I am a boy, you only want girls, and on top of it all you are using my mother." He said

 

"What are you talking about Allistar, in what way am I using your mother." I said

 

"You're a fucking faggot, you only love the twins because they are so girly and feminine, but you didn't want a bad reputation so you married my mother, using her as a cover up, and I hate you for it." He said

 

"Allistar just because you lost something, and you are upset doesn't mean you can act like this." I said

 

"Stop acting like you give a shit, dad, you haven't my whole life, I mean all of those times you were gone doing a photo shoot in Paris, or an interview in Prague, were you really meeting up with men, fucking strange men, behind my mothers back?" He spat

 

I saw red, forgetting that this was my ten-year-old son in front of me, I tackled him onto the ground. He struggled out of my grip hitting me in my mouth, I felt my lip bust open, it was a stinging sensation. Tom walked in just as Allistar grabbed a lock of my hair, and pushed him back. I stood up wiping my mouth off. I looked at my son who reached for me trying to get past Tom.

 

"I could kill you, you fucking faggot." He yelled pointing at me, I left the room. I was still upset, so it didn't hit me just yet, but it would sooner or later. I took a deep breathe, then walked back into his room. Tom still was holding him back, I was much taller than him, so I leaned down and got in his face, for the first time, giving off the tough father look.

 

"Allistar it was me that has kept you a live, it was me that gave up a new record deal because you needed me at home, it was me who made sure you had a good life, not because I had to because I wanted to, it's because I love all of my children, and knew that this was no life for babies, whatever it is you do, or missing, has nothing to do with me." I said. It was silent, and my brown eyes were set on his green. I was very focused on him, trying to read his soul.

 

"I took it, Allistar." Tom said, Allistar looked up at him . " I didn't tell him, because I know that everyone makes mistakes."

 

"Tell me what Tom?" I asked, it was silent, Allistar looked down and Tom looked at me. Neither of them spoke up.

 

"Tell me what?" I repeated, Tom was about to say something, but Allistar cut him off.

 

"I've been smoking pot, dad." Allistar blurted out, I nodded my head, looking off to the side. A tear rolled down my face. I wasn't sure what to say, I tried hard not to look at him, but the moment I did another tear rolled out.

 

"So, you do it because of me, basically because you think I have failed you." I said. Allistar looked at me with pleading eyes.

 

"Dad I just need it, ok, it is the only thing that I have that I need." he said, I shook my head. He knew I was hurt and upset when I walked past him, I stood in the door way without turning around.

 

"Allistar you are never to leave this house, expect a tutor to take the place of your school, and when I decide to allow you to leave again, expect your two minute bathroom breaks, the only privacy you'll have for a long time." I said

 

"Is this why your sisters left? You should be ashamed of yourself, running your sisters out, having your Uncle lie for you, all so what, you can get a thirty minute happiness that leads only to addiction and anxiety, I can't even imagine you being around your mother right now." I finished

 

"Dad that is not..." he began

 

"That isn't what fair, well it's reasonable compared to what I should be doing, and don't think about testing the waters, because the moment you step out of line I will ship your ass off to rehab in a heart-beat." I said

 

"Rehab, Bill he is only ten-years-old, isn't that a little intense?" Tom asked

 

"Doing drugs at ten is also very intense, Tom, Sam will not hear about this, ever, it will just kill her." I said walking away, I couldn't stand to be in his presence even.

 

Tom's P.O.V

I looked at Allistar, he was sitting on his bed. I sat down next to him, he looked at me and I knew it was the right time to tell him.

"Allistar when I was nineteen, I hit a woman in the face, you weren't born yet, and at the point when it happened I was so upset, it felt like it was the right thing to do, it wasn't it was wrong, and you know what I took my consequences, I even faced jail time." I said he looked at my stunned, as if he wasn't expecting this from me.

 

"I took your stuff, I wanted to tell your dad, but I didn't because today at the gas pump, I realized something, everyone makes mistakes, and when you have the chance to correct them you're supposed to take them, but unfortunately you will have to face consequences, the stuff you said to your dad was wrong, you hurt him, and I know because I felt it, just do me a favor." I said

 

"What?" he asked kind of with an attitude, I walked over to the door, as I stared to shut it, I leaned in " Learn from them." I shut the door, following Bill. He was sitting on the living room floor, his new lyrics spread around him, his black eye make-up was streaming down his face.

 

"Bill I am sorry, I didn't think it was this bad, I thought I could handle it." I said

 

"Don't apologize, I mean he is right, if I had been giving him the least amount of attention he wouldn't be doing this." he said

 

"Bill, it is no ones fault, blaming yourself isn't going to teach him to take responsibility either, our father wasn't there for us either, but we didn't try to make him hurt by hurting ourselves." Tom said

 

"You see, I don't want to be our father, I don't want him to not be close to me, I want to be here for him to kick this habit, not be the reason for it, I have failed him as a father, I missed his cry for help, and this is just the aftermath, his cry for attention, what kind of father am I?" He asked covering his face with his hands. I knew there was hope, and after faintly hearing " An deiner seite (ich bin da)" coming from Allistar's room, I was certain. My phone started to go off, I just shut it off as my brother and I sat in silence, listening to the song, getting some kind of hope from it.

 

 

I'm so fucking lost it's not even funny. I took a 28 day vacation from life and figured some things out that have been bugging me for a while, but now, 2 years after I have returned things just aren't as easy as I thought they would be. I guess I thought if I better myself the world around me would tag along for the ride....it didn't. Luckily, my new and improved me has a better out look on how to handle some situations but, I just wish there was a way to avoid them all together. I mean it's not like I don't want to pay taxes or anything... I know somethings are impossible to avoid but little things like men turning out to be boys and best friends turning out to be whores should be optional in life. I understand that you have to choose your friends wisely but how can you tell if they're closet psychos? At what point in time do you have to just stop having faith in the human race? Or better yet how appropriate is it to point out to an old friend that her obvious self-loathing is pathetic and is draining the possibilities of anyone, man or woman, ever respecting her? How do tell an old friend that you can no longer be friends, because they do the same thing you used to but don't any more, without being a hypocrite? How do ask someone you've already made a not-so-good long lasting impression on to give the new you a chance? How do you stop yourself from glamourizing the lifestyle you had that almost killed you, when you truly miss all the fun times? how do you move on when it seems there's nothing ahead of you to strive for? What do you do when the most common answer you're given is just to pray but, you don't belive in any higher power? How do you change the world? How can one person make a difference? Please tell me, I need to know.

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I can't believe what I'm going to type, but here it goes. I, HF, went more than 22 1/2 lighted moons without the internet and IT WASN"T EASY. I recall High School memories when a teacher of mine dared the entire class to live a day without electricity. "Could you imagine that?" he said. I shook my head like C'mon. Just one day. I could do that. Of course I never bothered to try it t, but man, how just one electronic device taken away from me could change so many things.

I know that I am addicted to the internet. Like most Americans, I own one of these:

and one of these:

and of course, one of these:

Who would have known that I associated the internet with so many things. Without the internet, I was unable to upload my pictures, so my camera was useless untill I decided to go out and spend $$$ on more memory cards. I couldn't use my i pod for the longest because I needed the computer to charge my i pod. I found myself watching television less, because I was addicted to watching tv while surfing the net. Watching TV didn't feel the same without the internet. Listening to CD's. CD'SSSS! Who would had ever thought I'd listen to those again? ...Listening to music on CD's got boreing after a while without internet services. I learned how much of a horrible addic I had become. There were times when I layed awake at night feeling strong cravings to go on the internet. During those long 22 1/2 days my parents tried to comfort me. We even went on vacation. Even on my vaca. I had cravings. It was horrible and I knew those feelings weren't good.

 

HERE ARE WHAT I GAINED FROM THE EXPERIENCE

* I spent more time with my family.

I compleeted responsibilities faster

* I tried to get closer to God.

BAD HABBITS FROM THE EXPERIENCE

I found myself eating more

 

A Recamendation:

I recamend people try keeping a "Carnal VS. Spiritual" daily chart. I tried keeping one twice. I learned a lot about myself that I was not to proud of. If your'e interested in seeing how you deel with your time try it! Keep a daily journal of how many hours or minutes you spend on things carnal (ex. responsibilities, journal writing, watching TV, listening to music, eating unnessesary junk food, surfing the internet, spending time with family) and things spiritual (ex. praying, reading the Bible, going to Church). At the end of the day, calculate how many hours/minutes you spent on things you care about (family, prayer) and things you want to change (how much tv you watch vs. spending time with your family or reading a book).

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN are a high energy metal band made up of three passionate and extreme people who literally live for their music. Fronted by the elusive M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN this is an outlet for her former self. From junkie to rockstar this band is ready to open a vein for you in an attempt to not only understand them but to help you understand yourself. M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN are more than just a band, they're an eye opener, a source to be reckoned with and they are ready to show you just how music can turn your life around. Devolution caught up with the front woman to talk about her insane and delicate past, the challenging present and the tentative future.

DEVOLUTION : Can you give us a rundown on how and when the band was formed?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : I honestly feel that this is what we were born to do but it just took us 20 years to find each other. I met Gzus through a mutual friend. The first song Gzus and I did together was 'Rehab'. After we finished recording it we immediately knew we were onto something cool. The problem was that we were using most of those drugs listed on the song during the recording sessions. We were both in a dark place at the time, so we decided that we'd either clean up or fuck this up. We just locked up and started concocting our new drug, which was music. We would write song after song after song, just to keep ourselves clean and off the street. After about two years of making music we met Ericb. through an old weed dealer. The first song we wrote together was 'Wasted' in the first day we got together. After that we knew we had something special. So we invited Ericb. into our fucked up world of Mary Magdalan. From that point we just started writing more music. At some point Ericb. suggested that we just record some material just so we could hear what were doing, so we got together and recorded 'Rehab' & 'Rage'. At first we thought we were just recording them to hear ourselves but we actually liked what we heard and decided to post the songs on Myspace and see if people would like our shit. That was about 2 years ago.

DEVOLUTION : There is an underlying theme within your songs on your debut album 'Pity Girl' from heroin addiction, troubled childhood, death and trauma'. Do you use these real life events to fuel your song writing and has it become cathartic for you at all?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : It has been extremely cathartic. At first it was hard to even say the things I say out loud because I was saying the things everybody thinks and nobody says. And on top of that, I'm doing it to a bunch of strangers. Then finally I said 'Fuck it" and started spilling my true thoughts into songs. At first it would make me laugh because I couldn't believe I was saying this shit. It was me inside my head but in music. Once the initial shock wore off then it became my little psychotherapy sessions. Then I had to make an album.

It was a hard road for me recording Pity Girl. I would literally come close to going over the edge and I would be midway in between recording a song. I'd be flipping out in the booth and Gzus would have to bring me back down to earth and I'd go back in. I had to take a lot of walks after recording to "come down". And often times the play back would actually scare me because it was such a mind fuck. Its funny because the album ended up coming out as a concept album but in reality its just me and my fucked up life. Every word on that album I lived at some point in my life so it will always be very personal to me. Through it all it helped me get over a lot of bullshit that held me back for a long time. For me I can listen to 'Pity Girl' now and feel good, when for a long time I was just living that hell I was talking about. Not to say that same shit isn't on my back every day, but living through that and coming out the back end alive is blessing enough.

DEVOLUTION : You have recently started recording new material for your follow up album to album 'Pity Girl'; tell us about the tracks on the album, how does it sound? And when will it be released?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : We are really fucking stoked about our new material. Its similar to what you may have heard on Pity Girl but on some killer ass steroids. Definitely some next level Mary Magdalan shit. The only way I can describe it is its like the scene in Fear and Loathing when Hunter eats too much adrenachrome. It's a pure adrenaline overdose. Most of the material is still in development but its some of the best stuff we've written to date. "Mind at War' is just this total mindfuck of a song. Its become my little baby. "System of Freaks" is another really dope song we are working on that feels like a flipout in your shrinks office. 'Pull the Trigger Slow' is a total fucking headbanging suicide hotline anthem. Its all just a big gumbo of psychosis that starts where 'Pity Girl' left off. We plan ..ping some of the material in the new year and hope to have the album in the streets by the Spring. All in all we are really happy with what we are creating right now and when it feels right, it is right.

DEVOLUTION : You have a lot of support on sites like Myspace with many avid fans spreading the word, why do you think that they can relate to you so much? And do you feel any pressure as a role model / influence for them?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : I think that people that fuck with Mary Magdalan have been through some shit to get here. Come the end of the day if you speak some real shit people will respond to that. We're not out here talking about witches and warlocks or some shit out of comic books. We're out here talking about drugs, dysfunctional families and the voices in your head. I don't care who you are, where you grew up or how much money you have, all of those things effect you or someone very close to you. We are those people close to you. Because of my upbringing I know more about abandonment and addiction then I do about singing and I'm a singer. I'm just happy that people get it and it helps them with their problems.

DEVOLUTION : What is the Mary Magdalan live show like? Describe what a fan would expect from one of yours shows. And is it hard to re-live some of your memories when singing about them to a crowded venue?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : For us our show is our drug. We go into our own little shell and dump out every little thing we got. Its the ultimate for me because its the one point where I lose my personal connection with the songs and I can just perform them. Gzus completely loses his shit onstage every single time and Ericb. forms into White Gold whenever he comes close to a stage.

For all of us performing live is extremely humbling. Just to know that people would actually come see us or know our lyrics blows us away every single time. Thats where the real high is. Just looking out onto a crowd of Junkies and feeding off that get me higher than any drug ever has.,

DEVOLUTION : Where did your love of metal music originally come from? Who do you consider some of your influences?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : Our love for music covers from a full spectrum. With Ericb. he's been a student of classical since he was a child but he also shit, slept and breathed Jimi, Sevie Ray and Dime. He's the bastard child of Eddie Van Halen and Miles Davis. Gzus has just as much passion for Slayer as he does for Dr. Dre so he brings his own intensity and original flair. Being that I'm a singer i've always been drawn to powerful vocalists. Layne Stayley is one of my favorite metal singers. His passion can be felt more than its heard. I was raised by addicts so I understand how dope could completely encapsulate your soul, which it did to him and a lot of other people close to me. I also respect what Phil Anselmo brought to the game. His style has grown through generations of singers and still hasn't been outdone. But with me its all about the voice. As corny as it sounds I've been studying a lot of Whitney Houston lately. She's the polar opposite of what I do but she's without question one of the most bad ass singers to ever walk the face of the earth.

DEVOLUTION : Is it true that you originally turned down a record deal in favour of releasing the album yourself? Why did you make that decision and has it worked in your favour so far?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : The funny thing is to this day we never even looked for a deal. We've been offered deals before but they usually involved us getting fucked and we're not into that. Its not like we're out here just passing on deals, we just want to make sure that we sign the right deal. Until then we are going to grind it out on our own. With us that makes absolute sense. We get to do what we love however we want to do it. If we want to make a double album, then fuck it! Lets do it. Its whatever we want to do and doing it that way makes all the sense in the world to us. We make all our own CD's from the writing, engineering, mixing, producing then we print, package and ship every single on e of them. We make all our own merchandise from design & printing to shipping each package with a kiss. It's really personal for us so we put our love into everything that we do and we want to make sure that every single person who has supported us knows that and can feel that when they get their Junkie Care packages from us. The funny thing is people who dont know us think we've got assistants and handlers and all this bullshit when its really just us. No manager, no label, no nothing. But we love that. Being unsigned is like being unstoppable.

DEVOLUTION : What is the relationship like with your band mates Gzus H and Eric B? How did they originally feel about the content and emotional impact of your songs?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : We're family. The one thing that we have as a unit is full trust and respect for each other. We are cosmically connected and it just fits. We're all different but the same. We all know each other well as people, so there's a great bond between us. There's no fights or bullshit. Its funny because whenever we brought in other band members it was always that same band conflict bullshit that breaks bands up, but with us its family.

DEVOLUTION : What is Mary Magdalan currently offering to the music scene that some other bands might not be?We're really not up on what bands in the scene are offering to make that judgement, but with us we just want to give you something that you could stir up something in the listener to do something. Whether its smashing your fist through glass or getting the fuck off drugs, just some food for thought, ya know. We write from a fucked up place to let people out there know that they are not alone in their fucked up place, so as far as contributing to the scene, I think if you spread love it always will come back to you and through our sound we are sharing a piece of ourselves and i feel that is why we have had such an amazing response.

DEVOLUTION : 'Debbie' is one of the most emotional tracks on the album written about your Mother who was a heroin addict and died young. Why did you choose to write the song in such a personal and first person account?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : I never got to say goodbye to my mother. I didn't even know she was in the hospital until after she died. For me it was really my last conversation I had wit her. I just had it in the public eye. Every line, every word, everything about that song was ripped out of my heart and put into that song. It helped me create peace within the relationship I had with my mother and it made me a better person for doing it, but it really took everything I had in me just to write that song. It was many sleepsless nights with tears running down my face so bad that I couldn't even read what I was writing due to all the tears smudging the scribbles on my paper. It was re-living years of pain and trying to find forgiveness to someone you couldnt even speak to. Basically it was fucked and I was stuck in it. But I found my way out and I brought 'Debbie' out with me. 'Debbie" is junkie love at its core. I was so angry at my mother for leaving me for drugs that I didn't really know how to love her and 'Debbie' helped me do that. So thats what this junkie love movement is about, placing aside your ego and pain and reaching out to help others who are like me and my mother, lost in their addictions and cant grasp their own minds and just giving them love.

DEVOLUTION : How do you feel as a person these days? Have things got better? Are you a different person from say… 5 years ago?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : Its night and day from 5 years ago. Five years ago I was completely gone. I was an aethiest. I was an addict. I was purely alone. Gzus was fucking insane and completely out of control. Without this music I can honestly say that we'd be dead. I would have definitely overdosed and someone would have shot Gzus' crazy ass at some point. It was this Junkie movement that actually saved our lives, so yeah life is completely different than 5 years ago. It still gets dark but now it doesn't end up in a two week binge and a complete fucking meltdown. Things still get thick but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its a small light theres a light, so I guess that means things are better. I have learned you create your life. And with that tool I have changed my life. And change is good.

DEVOLUTION : If you could cover a song by one of your favourite bands for a tribute album what would it be and why?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : Its funny because we do a lot of cover stuff just keeps our chops up. We've never released it but we've got a killer cover medley we did of 'My Michelle' by Guns-n-Roses, 'Killing in the Name of' by Rage and 'Duality' from Slipknot. We made it into one song. It's so fuckin sick. We would love to release it but we heard that if we did Axl would gain custody of our first born antichrist child and that would just suck.

Honestly if we had to do a cover for a tribute that we all could agree on it would have to be Metallica.

DEVOLUTION : What is your opinion on the American alternative music scene currently?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : To be honest with you nobody in the band really listens to current music. We spend so much time making music that we really don't have the time to listen to what other bands are doing.

DEVOLUTION : Will you be releasing any singles from the new album? .

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : We never really thought of ourselves as a singles band. For the first album we were too broke to film a video or push it at radio so we just realeased a bunch of songs that we felt were kickass. We plan on doing some videos for our upcoming album, so that should be fun, but with Pity Girl we just never could decide what song would be our single.

DEVOLUTION : Do you have a message for any fans who might be reading this interview?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : Its all about feeling. Do what stirs your blood. Don't ever be a bad imitation of yourself. Just do what feels good, like really deep down good. I believe you can never go wrong with that.

DEVOLUTION : And finally if you could play God for a day, who would you make an Angel and who would you send to Hell? And why?

M∀ЯY MAGD∀LAN : I figure most people that i would want to go to hell are living in hell already so I would probably make them all angels. could you imagine George Bush as a fucking cupid, giving Junkie Love back. He'd go crazy. So the moral of the story is make your enemy an angel. Just to piss em off. Choobies.

 

THIS STORY IS INSPIRED BY MY REHAB EXPEIRIENCE.

cassie's pov

my phon rang. it was frunkledees.

you cheated on me i said.

lets have sex he said.

oh kay bob said.

my phon rang. it was darwin.

you cheated on me i said. darwin was my oldest boyfriend.

lets have sex he said.

im sort of already i said.

ME TOO he said. there was mans voice in the backgorund.

WHO'S THAT i asked.

IT'S HENRY darwin said. the man started rambling on about carrots.

it took 2 hours to take darwin's pants off me and frank tried but in the end bob did it. once his pants were off i asked oh my god is that your penis or a tic tac?

oooooo darwin said. o god oh my god o god o god o god oh my god he asked me out o god oh my god o god oh my god.

my phon rang.

where the fuck are you it was my mom. o god o my god o god o my god she asked me out o god o my god.

im having sex i have to go i said and hung up. she grabbed my arm and started hitting me and punched me. she put her finger in my arm where there was a gun shot hole. she twisted. frank i cried out. he grabbed my arm and started hitting me and punched me. he put her finger in my arm where there was a gun shot hole. he twisted. mark started beating me up

the phon rang. it was gerad.

hey do you wanna have sex he asked. o god o my god o god o god he asked me out o god o my god.

~

I SPENT 2 YEARS IN REHAB WORKING ON THIS

HI MY LOVELIES!!!!

 

okay i'm updating beacause i feel some form of pride
pride of my progress in drinking!!!

okay so its been about three weeks now
three weeks since i started cutting down on alcohol
its tuesday and i havent had a drink since sunday and wont be drinking again til friday!
though i do still drink on some weekdays i have cut down MAJORLY!
i havent been drinking every single day anymore which id fucking HUGE for me as some of my closest mates will know

thanks to jacque growling me about my drinking all the fucking time i've started to cut down
and its been three weeks without me falling off the waggon
yes it is happening slowly
but it sure as fuck is happening!!!
i've only had two glasses of jagermeister, four beers, and three coruba's tonight
which is really fucking good for me

 

now that i'm partially sober most of the time i would like to thank all my mates like aleena, jess, tegs, ylva, cassie, emmy, mary, and all the members of friends in need for helping me out; for yelling at me or at least asking me to cut down but always being there for me at the same time.
you guys have been the best through this period (like almost two whole years) of extreme alcoholism
it was your support and you guys telling me to cut this shit out that started me thinking on actually calming down a bit on the drinking.
though i still do wanna hit the bottle every time im hurt angry or upset, i now dont do it as much
my drinking has gone down from seven days a week to about four days a week.
i know three days of sobriety may not seem like much to you guys but it is a fucking shitload for me
i may have started smoking pot a lot more
but pot is way less harmful than alcohol
simply because alcohol is actually addictive
where as pot is only habitual and i can say no to pot if
a) i know i shouldnt
b) i dont want to or
c) its offered to me
unlike alcohol
i just thought i'd let you know how much i love and respect you guys for pushing me onto heading towards straightening my act out a little
jacque has helped a lot
but it's you girls i think of every time i know i shouldnt be drinking
and yes i did have a reason to drink tonight

so thank you girls because i know i'm happy with the progress i've made
i hope you guys are too
i love you all and hope to talk to you soon

much love
xO.ox
ari

Hello everyone,

This is an important message to all of you.
The message was originally from my deviantART page. [LINK]
_______________________________________________

Hey guys, it's me again :]
As most or some of you know, I'm a real metal head. Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of Filth, Slipknot, Steel Dragon etc...they all really tickle my fancy. I have a semi-secret...I'm in love with an R&B singer.

British R&B singer, Amy Winehouse; to be exact.
Her music is about reality. Lying, cheating, love, tears, and emotions. She's a lyrical inspiration, her voice is like magic, and her beehive is bigger than yours.

She has a giant flaw in case you're not keeping up with the media. She's the world's famous crack-smoker. She's dying, everyone. Want proof? Here's some visual:

[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]

And for God's sake, here is a beautiful picture: [link]
So now you have proof, Amy Jade Winehouse is dying. September 14th was her 25th birthday. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD. Tragic, isn't it? Sure, she did do it to herself. I'm a fan, I care about her. You'll see that in various pictures I sport the beehive for Amy. I'm wearing it now, with a scarf tied around in a bow. I want you all to know, even though she did this to herself, she may kill herself, but she's still a fucking human. Help is what she needs. What can we do about it? You tell me!

For now, I'm holding this art contest.
Basically, you create a piece of ART of Amy Winehouse doing something POSITIVE. I don't want any of those nasty "SAVE AMY" posters with her smoking a joint and drinking booze. I will not tolerate that. I want any kind of art, sketch, painting, short story, photo manipulation, photograph of you cosplaying, ANYTHING! Anything positive!

This is a dedication. If you're not at least a tiny fan of her, I don't want you to enter just because of some stupid reward. In fact, the reward is just a tiny little dedication to you for expressing your love & care for another artist through your own art. I know, I know. It's nothing much, but I'll do a commission for you of any Amy Winehouse photograph if you win. I'll be judging the picture with the most effort.

I don't care if you don't think you're a good artist, your entry is worthy. As I said: ANY ART! DRAWING, PAINTING, A LITTLE SKETCH, WRITING SHORT STORIES, PIXELING, PHOTO MANIPULATION, ANYTHING!

I will set a deadline for this contest soon, until then start making your pieces! Fill them with support!

Once you're finished with your artwork, upload it to deviantART and send me the link through a note. If you would like to keep it private, you may send it to me through AIM or MSN messenger.

AIM handle: JohannaFilth
MSN handle: burningheartgram@hotmail.com
EMAIL.......: burningheartagram@hotmail.com

{ MSN is compatible with yahoo & gmail, also. }


Thank you everyone, and please spread the word, even if you don't like Amy Winehouse, I want to see as many entries as I can, then I'll try and see if there's a way to send them to her company or some type of PO Box.

xoxo

-Johanna