parenting Blog and Journals

I know I have some sort of good rock n' parenting column in me--but the truth is, I don't know if there are many places other than Buzznet where my atypical views on parenting would be appreciated!  Most people are too ageist and would not even be able to understand why I can have so many friends who are closer to my children's chronology than my own. They would either think me silly or sick. But isn't that how many of us are seen by our ubiquitous and boring generational peers in all kinds of situations throughout our lives?  Be that as it may, I am keeping the following responses to today's QOTD in the form of this journal entry in the hopes that someday, I'll turn it into something more. 

Maybe Buzznet should offer me a parenting advice forum...hmmm....

9-10-09 QOTD: What do you think differently about from before?  (Yeah, it was admittedly an awkwardly phrased question to pose...but we get it, right?)

In answer to the QOTD, I'm the exact same person I was when I was in first grade! LOL! Of course there are things I view differently now...like I think when I was younger I truly believed that I didn't need to be in a monogomous relationship--like I wouldn't be jealous if my partner had other lovers!! LOL! That was just some socially idealistic fabrication, which ignored the realities of my own human psychology. I'm basically not a jealous person at all--but still, I don't think I could ever really deal with the sort of "open" relationship that people growing up in the 70's (when I did) might have thought to be true!

The other thing I think about differently goes back to what I said about being the same person I always was. All through "growing-up", I always consciously thought things such as, "when I'm a parent, I will NEVER say that" etc. and the truth is, I have stuck to that creed! So I guess, what surprises me most, is to realize how many people probably thought those same things growing up, but don't seem to REMEMBER them! When I hear the stupid things my kid's friend's parents say, I wonder, "didn't they also most likely swear that they would NEVER say things like that?" I actually brought this subject up with one of these parents, who agreed. A few minutes later, our daughters came in the room and this mother said something stupid ridiculing her own daughter's choice to wear only black clothing!!! Arghhhh!!!! This stuff makes me crazy! Sorry for this journal-length post! lol!

-----later that day------

I made that whole long post before, but I realized that I neglected to mention a major change...maybe more in behavior that in actual thinking. It's about the difference between being the parent of babies and little kids vs. being the parent of a teenager. I used to have to keep a FILTER (on behavior)--there are zillions of subjects you simply can't discuss in front of or with a toddler or even elementary school kid, mostly for the practical reason that it would make no sense to do so! They weren't there yet, so I had to surpress some of my most natural instincts (such as making rude jokes and wanting to discuss relevant subject from books, etc.) WHAT A GLORIOUS DIFFERENCE to be able to ditch that filter and talk about anything with my kids!!! Philosophically, I still know that the filter was necessary and right, but I'm so much happier now that its gone and no subject is off limits. Wheee! Deathclock is underwater now. If they were awake this is something I could share with my kids now that I couldn't have shared just a few years ago!

Sometimes I want to pull my hair out.  Really, I do.  On days like today.

Consider the fact that for whatever reason, both my kids feel that 6:30 is the absolute latest that we can all be allowed to sleep.  Are we in the Army or something?

Nothing I’ve tried to to has changed this either.  From the time the babies were in diapers I’ve known nothing else.  At least they sleep through the night without waking though, so I’m not going to complain too much.  Still, I’m praying that this will change soon.

So plunging into my day in a coffee-charged half-daze is always fun.  Had to drop off some videos at the library though this morning before 8 in order to dodge a late fee ($1 p/video x 5 videos = Not Cool) and even with the air-conditioning on, the sun was beating into the car.

Do you realize what happens when kids get overheated shortly after eating?  They turn into little food volcanoes!  So we get to the library and no sooner had I strapped Jenny into her umbrella stroller then she decides to christen both it and herself with yummy-mushy Life cereal.

Fun, Fun, Fun.

So I do a half-baked job of cleaning up the mess and barely get the videos into the box before the warden comes out to collect.  That was close.

Instead of giving the kids a bath, I decided instead to turn on the sprinkler for them.  Water-conservationists be damned.  I let the sweet little ankle-biters play in the water while I tried in vane to get the puke stains out of the umbrella stroller.  This didn't go so well and it looks like it'll leave a stain.  Good thing these things are cheap because I've had to buy more than one.

Anyway, once that was done I only got to enjoy about 15 minutes in a lawn chair before the two of them ran into each other face first.  With two bloody mouths that needed ice-packs sprinkler fun time was OVER.

Welcome to another day in the life.

So as it’s the first time that I’m posting here, I thought I’d share a bit about myself.  Dunno if anyone cares, but here-goes.

I’m livin and lovin in Las Vegas Nevada.  The Sandbox.  Sin City.  Call it what you will.  Unlike a lot of those who moved here in the last 10 years (and left in the last 2) I was born and raised in the shadow of the Vegas Casinos.

My family is rather conservative though and we pretty much steer clear of all that.  There’s plenty of other, more family oriented, things to do around here which is good because I’m a single-mom on the go with two kids. (said he didn’t like the heat when he left…but I think that was just an excuse)

Anyway...I’m now carting around the cutest 4 yr old boy and 2 yr old girl you ever did see.  If I get some time, I’ll upload some pictures.

We spend a lot of time going to parks and setting up playdates with either Kyle’s or Jenny’s friends.  Life can be pretty busy, but I’ve gotten used to it.  I can pretty much packup one of my lightweight strollers along with a “mommy bag” and be out the door and down the drive in 5 minutes flat.  Takes some practice, but after a while you get good.

To keep this family running I work as a freelance Graphic Designer laying out websites with photoshop for direct mail and other marketing pieces.

I’m glad that I have this kind of flexible job, as I get to spend a lot of time with my kids and don’t have to stress out over getting to an office someplace in-between drop-offs.  Thank God for the little blessings.

I’ll write more in a bit.

I'm not much of a people person.  Scratch that....I'm not much of a social person.  No, that's not quite it, either.  I guess maybe I just have difficulty relating with humanity sometimes.

I was very bored and flipping stations tonight.  What do I see?  VH1's All Access - Lindsay Lohan Is A Fucking Trainwreck part 98:  Because We Refuse To Stop Beating A Dead Horse.

Honestly, when E! is showing something more constructive and newsworthy you know it's bad.  Why are we obsessed with the public failures of these celebrities?  Anyway, while flipping channels I found that the Lindsay special ended and the Britney (with an ey) trainwreck story picked up from there.  This was no ordinary trainwreck chronicle full of TMZ meltdowns and upskirt shots. This one actually examined her childhood and interviewed those in her hometown who have been close to her.  I'll admit, I got sucked in on this one...for a while.  After about 20 minutes I realized that I wasn't going to learn anything I didn't already know.  Yes, her career was a machination of two broke parents who failed to provide security for their family.  Yes, she is fucked up now because of it....no shit.  You needed 60 minutes to tell us this? 

I feel sorry for the girl, to be honest.  I think it's a tragedy when children aren't allowed to be just that.  There is no reason why kids should be forced to be so serious and stringent when they are young.  Hell, I feel bad because I can't send my kid out to play by himself at 8 years old.  Too many fucking pedophiles, not enough safety for my taste.  I do the best I can, but I still feel like I fall short.  Jake was sleeping next to me on the couch, his little feet propped up on my leg while I was watching this Britney thing.  I looked at him, trying to imagine myself putting him through the whole sing-for-your-supper routine and instantly felt ill.  I couldn't do that to him.  I already don't feel like he gets enough chances to be as free as I think he should be, nevermind making him a performance puppet. 

I think of when I was a kid.  I didn't have a great childhood, but it was an actual childhood where I got to be free and explore, as opposed to nowadays where everything is regimented and structured.  At 6 years old I was able to go to the park behind my house and play.  I lived in the part of town people were afraid to even drive through.  It might have been the slums, but there was power in numbers there.  It wasn't perfect, but 95% of the adults and older children there kept an eye on the younger ones.  It was very much the norm for someone else's brother/sister/mother to correct you in the park in the absence of your caretaker....and God forbid your parents/siblings found out that someone else had to correct you!  The embarassment alone would get you grounded.  We had a community garden adjacent to the park where people could plant and grow vegetables.  We kids didn't go in the house for a snack, we went to the garden.  We'd pick a tomato, carrot, or whatever looked good...and we'd wash it off and eat it.  Believe me, we didn't do it because we were all health conscious but more so we could continue to play!  Going into the house took too much time.  We would take drinks from the spigot as well, for the same reasons.  It disappoints me that Jake will not have memories like that.  I'm sure he will have good memories, but it is just upsetting to me that I can't give my child the freedom he deserves to develop like he should.  I'll be honest, I really don't like structured play very much.  I think organized sports and other activities are fine, but I think too much of that can stifle a kid's growth.  How does the brain develop without having the freedom to explore and be spontaneously creative?

Another thing that irks me?  Homework.  I hated homework when I was a kid, I don't like it now....and I honestly think it's worse by today's standards.  Kids spend 6 hours a day in school, another 2 hours doing homework...when do they have free time to just be a kid?  It's almost as if free time has been scratched from the schedule for most families.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking structure and regiment...but shouldn't it be in moderation?  Again, how can these children develop without freedom to explore their world and the opportunity to be spontaneous and creative?  I don't know, maybe it's just me....I just think that vital development takes place in that space of free time children get to explore things on their own terms.  It's a fucking shame that the world has come to this.  Pedophiles roam free, but our children don't.  Where is the justice in that? 
Seriously, our society needs to stop protecting the criminal and start protecting the innocent. 

Also, everything is so damned expensive that most families need both parents to earn in order to survive.  That leaves children to be molded and sometimes raised by people that have no vested interest in our children whatsoever.  I detest the fact that modern society does not  seem to operate to support family values.  As a mother, I want to be home with my child.  Not because I have some 1950's ideal about life, but because I am a woman who wants choices.  I want to have the latitude to choose what is best for my family.  It's not so easily done when a household needs two incomes to operate.  Everyone should have that latitude, no?  Children aren't raised to be men and women anymore...but rather to be earners.  We send our kids off to college, they get a degree.  They learn how to make 6 figures, but have no idea how to be a good parent or supportive spouse.  Emily Post?  Forget about it.  And chivalry is dead as a fucking door nail.  I am not one who believes roles need to be traditional, but isn't there a way to find a happy medium?  Maybe apply some of the concepts, but fashion them to your own life as you see fit without compromising your self? 

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm just passing sweeping judgments at 1:42 a.m. for no good reason.  All I can say is from my vantage point, we're fucked as humans.  The minute we put capitalist ideals before our humanity the game was already over.  I won't do that to my kid.  No fucking way.  My husband and I already promised that although we will guide him, he must find his own way in the world.  I won't rob him of the opportunity to learn to think for himself and make wise decisions.  I was raised by a mother who was so out of touch with us kids emotionally it was insane.  It was a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do situation that I followed blindly.  If I wasn't so strong-headed it would have hurt me tremendously as an adult.  I know I have and will fuck up with Jake, but I'm doing my best and hoping I don't err too terribly.  But that's it, isn't it.  Kids don't come with a manual.  Not everyone cares how their children turn out.  Some people don't care about their children period.  But I do. 

I'm hoping my perception is all wrong, that what I see represents but a miniscule part of society.  Maybe it's just my part of the world that is fucked up like that.  If I could believe that, maybe I'd have a glimmer of hope, that maybe not all is lost.  I'm not going to hold my breath, but I'll always be hopeful.  Maybe we can turn this thing around yet.

Seriously, this has been a day of ups and downs.

Last night, I decided to talk to my husband about some things I had outlined in my 50 Random Facts journal.  Without getting too detailed, I didn't have a lot of hope at the end of our exchange.  So I pretty much spent my night tossing and turning, feeling quite heartbroken. 

When I got up this morning, I was pretty much feeling the same way.  I felt the need to say that I was hurting out loud, but there isn't anyone here I could say it to.  So, I just wrote it in my journal because expressing myself here is cathartic.  I honestly wasn't expecting the feedback I got from my friends here.  I really am touched to know that my friends care.  So thank you to everyone who chimed in.   I truly appreciate your friendship.  *big hugs*

I went to work and started my daily grind when we were pulled into a 10:00 meeting.  This meeting went on for 90 minutes and I was pretty much itching to get out of the office by the time it was over.  I checked my page before leaving for lunch.  Not only did I find all of the kind words from my friends, I found that Mark and Funks bestowed the OG distinction on me.  The kind words of my friends and the news about becoming an OG made my day.  And just when I thought my day couldn't get better, it did. 

I went to the parent-teacher conference held every quarter after report cards are released.  For those of you who don't know, Jake is an intense and spirited boy.  He doesn't have much fear of anything and has surprised us with some of his displays, if you will.  I know he behaves in school, but his teacher said this, "You and your husband need to clone Jacob and make more of him because he is an amazing child."  Holy crap, talk about feeling proud!  Jacob has this friend Patrick that he's very close to.  They are both "only" children and decided a couple of years ago that they would be each other's "brother".  Patrick has always been a shy and sensitive kid, but is even more so lately now that his parents have split up.  Consequently, he's more prone to crying in school when he gets frustrated over his school work.  His teacher told me that when Patrick starts to cry, Jake gets up from his desk, walks over to him and holds his hand.  He then comforts Patrick by telling him everything will be ok, that they will be going out for recess soon and they can play together.  I'll tell you, my heart burst and fell to the floor at the same time.  I know that Jake is capable of that type of tenderness, but I'm so proud that he's unafraid to show that type of regard for people in public, especially in school. (Can you say run-on sentence?)  Needless to say, my parental pride swelled to such epic proportions that I had trouble fitting through the door to leave.  I'll be honest, half the time I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not as a parent.  Kids don't come with a manual and there's no rewind or delete buttons to erase your mistakes.  One of my first realizations as a parent was that anyone could do this job.  Anyone could be a mom or dad.  A good one, even.  However, it takes far more commitment and love to be a great parent.  You always have to remember that you really aren't raising a child, but an adult.  It's inevitable, Brian and I will fuck up along the way.  I can only hope that we don't screw up too much along the way.  Again, no manuals, no road maps.  I guess that's the stuff of life, though.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that I've killed that subject, I want to say that my day was brought to an even higher level upon returning home from the conference.  My new camera came in!  I am excited beyond belief and I can't wait to get started.  I don't know enough about photography itself, so I am going to get some books. (Any recommendations, John?)   I've been dying to take some pictures at work, as we have a pond with ducks and gulls everywhere.  Very soon you will be seeing a ton more photos from me.  I am giddy with delight, I truly feel like a kid in a candy store!  OH, and "Santa" is bringing me a scanner for Christmas this year, so I will be uploading some old photos, like my dad's WWII pictures and other pictures from growing up.  It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so I'm very excited! 

Not to switch gears again, but I really want to thank everyone who nominated me to be an OG.  Truly, I am floored by this.  I honestly don't think I've been as original as some others are on Buzznet.  I guess a part of me feels undeserving.  However, I am humbled and grateful beyond words for this distinction and hold it in the highest esteem.  So thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Thanks for reading another of my long-winded entries.  I wish everyone deep, dreamy sleep and delicious awakenings.   True love, my friends.

I am not making this up.

Okay, there is a line between teaching your kids the mechanics of sex and whipping out a dildo, I get that. But when your parents go over the top, that's when you go "EWWWWWWWWWW."

Not when it's time for the state to arrest her.

Right. We should totally not have parents telling their kids about sex. Leave it to the schools controlled by the government. Why should the woman who gave birth to you tell you about it? That dumb bitch should be helping you with your homework and leaving your sexual education to the public schools and the wonderful world of internet porn!

I know this sounds crazy, but whatever happened to family values? You know, love, trust and comfort with your family. The ability to talk to your kids about sensitive subjects like sex without going to jail?

This really bothers me.

"In the agreement, Smalley pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of exposing a child to harmful material in exchange for the dismissal of a felony charge of exposing a child to harmful descriptions."

 

Wait, so exposure to harmful material is a misdemeanor but harmful description is a felony?

Huh?

Sex ed in schools is one thing. Putting a parent in jail for talking to their kids about sex is a whole other thing.

Isn't that the JOB of a parent?

And though she definitely went overboard, she seems like a really good parent. Pleading guilty and going on probation to spare your children the embarrassment and distress of having to testify sounds like damn heroic parenting and proof that this chick has her children's best interests at heart.

This really freaks me out though.

Why is this a crime?

She was not abusing them. She was not making them have sex or watch her have sex. She was not doing anything wrong.

If this is against the law then we seriously need some instant changes around here. I'm terrified.

I went and saw the Rob Zombie Halloween (sounds like a tv special).  It was pretty good, nice and gruesome and good effects but it being set in a different time period really messed me up and I had to keep reminding myself that the movie was taking place in 2007.  Anyways, as I was walking into the theatre this couple and a kid (age 8 at the oldest) walked in, in front of me.  My first line of thought was "How hilarious!  They just walked into the wrong theatre!  I wonder how long before they realize!"  My second line of thought was "Maybe they are really taking this kid to the movie and it is only rated 'PG-13'".   After the first 5 minutes of dialog in the movie I realized that Halloween was indeed rated "R" and not "PG-13" and that these people were horrible parents, sitters, siblings, whatever for taking a small child to see this movie.  If you've seen the movie you know that it is not a kids movie, hell I'm 26 and at times I felt I wasn't old enough to watch it AND I LIKE HORROR MOVIES!