nevergiveup Blog and Journals

As I sit here and reflect on my life, the sadness and despondency that I once felt creeps up all over again. My life, my childhood has been nothing for a very long time.

I'm gonna share this, for two reasons. One, I am finally able to talk about it and two, it may give someone hope --- life certaintly isn't easy, but one can survive it.

I'll start with my mother as she's the beginning to all of this. I don't talk about her, you won't find me giving out any other information on her other than this...my mom was a drug addict. She got pregnant with me when she was high like a kite. Needless to say, when I was born I remained at the hospital for three months. 'Detox' is what they called it. Three years later my mother passed away from a drug overdose. I don't recall much of my mother's life. It is hard for me to say what I love or hate about her, as I don't remember much.

I moved in with my Grandparents. Life was okay, as far as I remember it. If only they remained in my life for a longer period of time. Unfortunately, my grandmother died when I was five and my grandfather passed away two years later.

At seven I made the third move to my uncle's home. He and his wife had two childen, two boys. We didn't have much at all. Our home was barely big enough to fit two people, far less five. Money was tight, and so we went without alot. For the first time in my life, I learned what it felt like to go to bed hungry. To be cold at night, your stomach growling, because there simply was nothing left.

Only a couple of weeks after my arrival, I learned something of my uncle that I feared. My uncle had a nasty temper. I first witnessed it, when he beat his wife for not doing some chore he requested. She screamed and bawled while he kicked her and called her cruel names. She later had a broken nose and a black eye, not to mention the bruises all over her body.

He first hit me, a couple of months into my move. I can't remember what exactly I did, or said, but I remember the blow to my head. It sent me across the room. I fell into a wooden cabinet that sliced my cheek. From that day on, it seldom ceased. We were at the mercy of my uncle's temper. Who ever was closest to him, got the worst of it. We soon learnt that we were to stay away from him at all times.

When I was nine years old, I finally was able to escape. Unfortunately, the reason I was able to leave was because my injuries were far worst than ever, and I needed medical supervision. The last night at my uncle's home, in one of his drunken fits, I was pounded to a bloody pulp. I still have the scars to this day. When I look at them, I remember all over again, that night. The pain shot through me long hours after it had ended. I knew something was wrong. I remember struggling to stand up, and falling because the most excruciating pain overtook my body. I had two broken ribs.

If you know about broken ribs, there is not much, other than complete bedrest, that you can do to help it. I remember lying in the hospital in agony for days. At nine years old, I wondered what did I do wrong for God to hate me so much.

I moved in with my other uncle and his wife. I prayed that everything would be better for me then. I actually believed it. They had much more than my previous family. I even got my own room. There were TV's in the house, and toys that I could use. I breathed a sigh of relief, I was finally saved from the nightmare.

Nope, think again. Instead of the physical abuse, I was subjected to emotional abuse. At nine I was a child who never smiled. I didn't enjoy company, and preferred solitary. I really think at that age, I was depressed. Nothing seemed to thrill me anymore, I lost the magic of childhood at nine. I wasn't a child you could love. After coming out of the hospital, I stopped talking completely. For about two months, I said nothing. Not a word to a single person. Now, you would think that after trauma, the adults in my life would recommend that I see a child psychologist or something. But, no....they did nothing, saying that I would get over it.

I never did. Not for another twelve years at least.

My uncle's wife, hated me from the beginning. She once told me that I was hard to love. That I was not a 'normal' child. So she had a hard time caring for me. She also didn't want a 'screwed up' kid living with her. I stayed with them, hoping for someone to love me. That's all I really wanted. I didn't care for anything, material things didn't matter, I just wanted someone to hug me and love me unconditionally.
As I grew up, the spitefullness and wickedness became more pronounced. She never hit me, I was never physically abused but I was abused in other ways. She had two children of her own, and she found many ways to show me that they were the most important in her life, and they come first.

One day she gave me stale bread and cheese to eat. I feared the woman so much, I ate it. Then through up after. How stupid could I have been? I wanted to please her so much, I endangered my life.

She spoke about me to her family constantly....that I was a nuisance, that I was wasting space, that I was good for nothing. All of which, I heard. She never did or said anything when my uncle was around, and I would have never told him either. My state of mind at that time was very shaky. I hated myself, thought that God hated me, and thought that she was right about everything. So I never said anything to my uncle, I just sank deeper into a depression. I can recall so many unfair and unjust times with my aunt, it is still too much for me to digest even now. That's why I am leaving quite a bit out.

If you knew me at twelve, thirteen or fourteen you would have thought you were staring into nothingness. I was nothing. Literally. I was skinny and deeply shattered in all areas of life. And, I still wanted my aunts approval. I still yearned for love. Even then, I still craved human love and affection. Despite it all, my heart still loved.

At fifteen, I found the wrong person to love. My teacher who was fifteen years my senior, was the object of my attention. I developed a major crush on him. All wrong for me, I know...but I was really lost then, and anyone who showed me the slightest bit of kindness was the greatest person ever. I lost my virginity to my teacher at seventeen. I hated it....detested it so much. It was nothing like I thought it would be. No love there at all.

Would you imagine, that despite it all, I still continued talking to the man. I seriously thought that it was my fault that things weren't great with us. I soon realized that he was wrong for me after I graduated. He was my first and only sexual partner for five years. I didn't want any man in my life for awhile.

Life just went down hill from there. I was still so desperately unhappy. Nothing worked. I was still living with my aunt, who made my life hell. I wanted to move out, but had no money. I was scared of the world and myself. At that stage, I was the unhappiest of all. I feel the most sadness when I think about that time in my life. Eighteen and nineteen. At nineteen, life made no sense. I wish I could convey just how despondent I was. Depression overcame my life, I felt horrible about everything. In my hopeless state, I attempted suicide.

I lived of course. But, I did alot of damage to my body. My kidneys and liver were damaged and I had a host of pills to take every day. Even then, I still wished for death. For months straight, I begged God to take my life. At night, before I went to bed, I pleaded with Him to let me die in my sleep. I couldn't understand why he would keep my alive in this world. I had no one...not a single person to care about me. Literally. I am not exaggerating, I had NO one.

I can't tell you what changed. What got me to make the first move. But I did it. I think after months of praying for death, God probably got fed up with me and gave me the littlest ounce of strength to make the decision to get help.

Now, you probably would say that I was running away, but not exactly. I was putting myself first, developing my strength. I made the decision to move to another country. To get help and to be away from the place that held the worst memories for me.

I moved to London on my own when I was twenty. Now, imagine me...totally scared of the world, never living a day on my own..and suddenly moving to another country by myself?!? Sounds crazy, right?! But, that's what I needed. I needed to have control over my life, without the negativity pulling me down. It was scary in the beginning. I could have shit myself at how frightened I was. I had no clue what to do. But, I learnt. I started seeing a psychologist as well, and with that, coupled with my new life, I soon began to feel stronger.

I think living on my own, having to take care of myself and learning about life, really gave me a new lease on living. I built my independence first, and with that came my confidence. I could actually do something right. I wasn't a total failure, like everyone said I was. A year passed and I was a hundred times better than when I first started. I actually smiled then, I had real friends. People who I could trust and turn to. People who actually liked me. You can not imagine how that made a difference in my life.

I developed a healthy relationship with God and really put everything in his hands. I think as my confidence grew in one area, the other areas were easy to tackle.

I left London, two and a half years later. Returning only once to Trinidad. I wanted little to do with my home country. But, after two years I was ready to return. To confront it all.

I came home and faced my aunt. I told her everything. But, she has remained stubborn and insists that nothing was wrong. In one of our 'talks', I guess she wanted to test me. She told me that my mother was in hell, and I would amount to nothing like her. I stood up and told her to "Fuck off...and never speak about my mother ever again. My mother was not there to defend herself, the only one who should be judging her is God." She was surprised, as it was the first time I ever stood up for myself. She has never told me anything again. At all. She doesn't speak to me now. I am good with that, for the most part. I would never be able to get through to her, and frankly I don't want to. She is facing her own demons and answering to her conscience. Mine, I know, is clear.

Today, I am alot more happier and calmer than I have ever been. I am also quite a bit more confident. At times, things could be pretty difficult...my family will never be completely gone from me...there is always a part of them I must endure. But, I am stronger and even though some days are hard, I know I will be okay tomorrow. I've got friends there to help.

I still have quite a bit issues that I am facing, that I haven't fully come to terms with yet. My love life is a big part of my life that I havent quite figured out yet. I am still a bit skeptical about relationships. I still find it very hard to get into one. Trust is the issue. I've had one relationship with a man that I found incredible. So I know that I could do it. It could happen, but it takes a very patient person to put up with me. On top of all of this, I am also uncertain about my sexuality. That's a part that I am struggling with, and haven't come to terms with yet. It's alot that I am processing, and I hope that one day I will get the answers to. So my love life is a bit of a mess right now. Or maybe non-existent. :)

I think one must always remember that we have what it takes to overcome ANY situation. It might be the hardest thing to do, but we CAN do it. For me, I have a lot to offer the world, I know I do. God wouldn't have kept me alive all these years for nothing. If I could help one person, that would be everything. When I tell my story, I know I am giving hope to one little girl out there, who is searching for love.

You will never be sure of life. There is always going to be some uncertainty in some area. The key is to take the plunge. Take the chance. When you want something, go for it. I have learnt to keep wise people close, people who you can trust. People to guide you along the way. Hatred and animosity gets you no where. It only fills your soul with evil, I have witnessed it first hand. Surround yourself with love, and try to keep the negativity at bay.

I know what I want in life, and I am going at it with everything I have. When there is uncertainty, I pray and ask for God's guidance. You have to be content with yourself first, for you to appreciate anything else. For me, in my life...I come first.

I've been to hell and back...I am living proof you can rise above it all. There is a lot I haven't mentioned, but all that I really want conveyed is that despite it all survival is possible.