matt Blog and Journals

Salve, mei amici :)

You know I forgot to tell you my huge proof of courage like two weeks ago xD

Here it goes: It turned out that there was a car crash when I was going home in the school bus and my best friend was going to sleep at my house that day. We stayed there for two goddamned hours until my butt became square (I don't bitch too much about it because I had the best view in the whole world those two hours...that should be blessed anyway xD). Me and my friends (Bessy, Estefani and Alejandra) decided that we had to get the hell out of there. The only problem was that we were a kilometer away from home.

Yes, I walked more than a km.

I almost got blisters on my toes and my toenail where I had that surgery hurt like fu*king hell :| I've never walked that much in my whole life, but it really amazed me that my legs didn't hurt at all...until next week T.T

I just want to get out of school, you know. I need to rest...I need TO REST.

I'm going to miss my friends but that's natural, we'll see soon in three months, maybe sooner by my birthday (It's my quinceañera ;D), I'll miss other individuals of course *cough* but I really need to end this school year because I'm definitely tired (My eyes tell it all, don't you think?)

But now, let's pay some tribute to my doodling around school.

Doodling Around School Part I

That's quite a message that all of you need to take seriously...SERIOUSLY

Aren't they the same?! Even the same tooth is there *dries tear*

That's the inside of my folder, btw xD You can see my schedule xD

I'll post more pictures anytime soon...meanwhile:

GO HONDURAS :D

x!

After a winter playing arenas across Europe opening for Fall Out Boy, and a Spring and Summer playing amphitheatres across the USA with No Doubt, we are very happy to let you know that tickets are now on sale for The Sounds Fall WORLDWIDE headline tour!!! While it's been great to be able to play for so many people as an opening act, we cant wait to be able to bring a full headline show to you all! Details ...

| Death Note | The Swan Song; Chapter Four: Romance [Matt]

Five days ago you had encountered some...troubles. You had gotten into a fight with a girl, and her cronies decided it would be a good idea to beat the living shit out of you. Needless to say, your two black eyes were still recovering, the cuts were scabbed, you were still having respiratory problems, and you still had many unanswered questions.

The girls had been expelled from Wammy's after Roger consulted Watari with the situation, and Watari gave an immediate, unbiased reply. The girls had to pack their bags and leave for a new orphanage. It made you feel a bit guilty that they had to go to a less...well, superior orphanage, but then again...your black eyes, cuts and whatnot were telling you otherwise. You'd have a kind heart 'till the end.

You had been excused from classes, and were scheduled to return to classes tomorrow depending on whether or not it still pained you to raise your eyelids. You were confident in the fact that you'd be spending another day - or more - sitting on your bed with absolutely no human contact. Great.

You groaned as you rolled around on your bed, trying to find a comfortable spot to rest. You found yourself in a curled position, but quickly lowered a leg, then decided your pillow wasn't fluffy enough. You sat upright, fluffed your pillow, and rested on your back. You then rolled to your side, found yourself in a curled position, but quickly lowered a leg, then you decided your pillow wasn't fluffy enough...

You could safely say that it had been a bit...repetitive...today.

Of course, as soon as you found yourself in a comfortable position, someone had softly knocked on the door. You groaned inwardly, but got up to answer it regardless.

You inhaled sharply when you felt a keen, knife-like stab near your heart. It was like that every time you got up. So, obviously, you refrained from getting up as much as possible.

With a hand carefully placed under your breast, you opened the door. You inhaled sharply again when you felt the stab, and you clenched your eyes shut. That too hurt, though, seeing as your eyes were still having a bit of trouble getting rid of the bruising. "Sorry..." you breathed. "It only seems to happen...when I try to stand up..."

"Sorry about that, I just wanted to see how you were doing."

You opened up one of your eyes to see the familiar face of your favorite red-headed gamer. "Matt, you can have a seat..." you offered as you took baby steps towards your bed. You eased yourself down onto the mattress, and then carefully leaned to the left to lie on your side. When you were relatively comfortable, you opened both of your eyes. "Sorry again, the only way I can get comfortable is if I'm lying down."

"Don't apologize," he waved, shaking his head. "I...should be the one apologizing."

You stared intently at the boy, awaiting his every word.

"I've been a real asshole. I'm not one to care about image, and I never have. I don't know why it got to me earlier...I felt really bad, because...I know you trust me. You really shouldn't put any faith in me though," he laughed, scratching the back of his neck, "I'm just a lazy dude. I don't give much thought to anything, and I'm sorry if it seems like I don't care...because that's really not the case-"

"Who...stood up for me the other day?" you interjected, wrapping yourself in your blanket as you watched him sit down on your rolling chair.

A light pink dusted Matt's cheeks, and he looked down at his feet. "That...was me."

Even though it physically hurt you, you raised your brows and lids to resemble that of a deer in the headlights. "You? But, why?"

Matt scoffed, "I'm not that mean! Geez, give me a break. As soon as those lies started spouting out of her good-for-nothing mouth I knew I had to do something. You're my friend. It seemed like that right thing to do."

So he's not annoyed by me? I'm his friend?

...Friend.

That's right. Just...friends...

"Thanks," you smiled.

"No problem," he smiled back. "Well, I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow..."

Your face contorted in confusion. "You're not in any of my classes..."

Matt's face did the same. "What? They didn't tell you?"

"Obviously not."

"Well, Roger bumped you up into a class for the higher level kids. He said it had been 'long overdue' or something like that. Mello's in that class, too."

"O-Oh..." you frowned. "I'm not really looking to succeed L..."

"Neither am I, but I somehow managed to be ranked third..." Matt shrugged and walked for the door. "Anyways, I'll see you tomorrow."

You nodded absentmindedly until he closed the door.

Suddenly you felt the need to ice your face to make sure you'd be in tip-top shape for tomorrow.

~*~

You groaned groggily as someone persistently knocked on your door. "Come in," you growled, wincing as you sat upright on your bed.

The door opened slowly to reveal Roger. He walked in, sat on your computer chair and rolled himself towards you, mumbling something about how it was far too early for him to be doing something like this. "How are you feeling?"

"Not so great..." you groaned, lowering your head onto your palms as you heaved a sigh.

Roger sighed, also, "So you don't think you can make it to class today?"

"See you in class tomorrow," Matt smiled and waved as he shut your door.

"I want to at least try," you looked up at him, nodding miserably.

"You don't look like you're too enthused about going to class," Roger stammered, placing his palm on your forehead.

"I'm not sick, Roger, I'm in pain," you growled, smacking at his hand.

Roger quirked a brow, a little agitated that you were being so rude this morning, but he guessed he couldn't blame you. He'd be rather cranky if he'd gotten beaten up by three girls, too. Especially since it would be humiliating, seeing as Roger is a grown man. "Right, sorry," he apologized, standing up as he wiped his hands off on his slacks. Children are just full of germs...

"Well, you better get ready if you plan on getting to class on time. We already placed your advanced placement books in your locker. If I'm not mistaken, your classroom is now B-206. It's located on the second floor. I do believe Matt offered to walk you there this morning, so you may want to stop by his room before you go off to your locker. Good luck," Roger mustered a not-so-enthusiastic grin as he walked towards your door. As soon as he closed your door behind him, a displeased frown replaced the grin. "Why couldn't I have chosen a job where there were no children within a 5 mile radius of the work place?" he shook his head, walking towards his office as he dodged the small children darting past him.

You groaned, combing your fingers through your hair. "Better get ready, then."

~*~

You looked like a mess. Sure, your clothes were perfect, your hair was perfect...but your face...

The bruises on your face were still apparent, and the cuts and scabs were all too noticeable. You knew you were either going to have people giving you unwanted sympathy, or you were going to be bombarded with rude jokes and hypotheses on how you obtained the nasty discolorations. Still, you were willing to endure the not-so-playful jabs at your well-being. You were willing to do so because you hadn't seen Matt in what seemed like forever.

Well, technically, I saw him last night. But that doesn't count! We barely even talked...

You made your way down the hall, trying to ignore the snickers and whispers surrounding you. You stood tall and relaxed, seemingly uncaring to those who were ogling you.

You weren't going to be a pushover anymore. You weren't going to be that girl that everyone used and walked on. Those days were over, and it took you two black eyes to realize it was time to stop being so nice to people you didn't know. Sure, you'd always be a nice girl (you'd hoped so, anyways), but from now on you'd only be that way to people who deserved it.

You breathed deeply before rapping your knuckles against Matt's door. Fumbling could be heard from the other side of the door, and you sighed, smiling. "C-Coming!"

A moment later, Matt swung the door open, breathing heavily. "Sorry! I woke up late this morning...just got out of the shower."

"I can tell," you laughed as you twirled a piece of his dampened red locks in between your fingers.

Matt laughed (albeit nervously), "Well, do you want me to show you the class?"

You nodded happily. You turned on your heel and bobbed up and down on your toes. "We need to stop by my locker first. Roger put my new books in there and it'd be pointless to go to class without my books."

Matt nodded absentmindedly. He shook himself from his thoughts and went to stand beside you. Wordlessly, you both began walking for the lockers. You noted how awkward it was, and frowned a bit. It was never awkward like this before...I wonder what's going on...

"Is something wrong?" you gazed up at Matt, whose focus was currently fixated on his shoelaces.

"Not really..." he lied, still incapable of giving you eye contact. "I'm just a little...tired."

"Ah..." you nodded, also gazing down at your shoelaces to avoid the rude looks people were giving you.

~*~

"Class dismissed."

All the children eagerly got up from their seat and dashed for the door. You, on the other hand, took a bit longer to put away your supplies and carefully place them in your book bag.

"Hey," Matt tapped on your shoulder. You pivoted your head to look up at Matt. "Did you pay attention...at all?"

You scoffed, "Of course I did!"

You gave a knowing sigh, "Do you need help?"

"Yeah..."

You smiled, "Sure, I'll help. But one has to wonder...since when did you care about receiving good marks?"

"Well, I plan on working with Mello in the future - he plans to succeed L, you know - and I want to be of some use to him."

"Ah, right, so what time should I go over?"

"Around 6-ish, I guess."

"It's a date," you smiled, but your face paled soon after you realized what you had just said. "N-Not like that, though! I mean, it's a study date. You know, I'm your tutor-"

Matt waved you off, laughing, "Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. I know what you mean."

"Stop blathering over each other, for god's sake. We have work to do, Matt," Mello growled, pulling at Matt's oversized shirt.

"R-Right! The project! I'll be there in a second..."

~*~

You frantically kneaded your shirt, trying desperately to get every wrinkle and stain out of sight. Inhaling a deep breath, you stepped forward and found yourself in front of Matt's door for the second time that day.

Why am I so nervous? It feels like I'm about to puke. Matt is a really good friend of mine, and for some reason...I felt nervous around him all day today...

Those girls must have given me some serious nerve damage...

You rose your fist to Matt's door and knocked gently. "Come in," came his reply. You inhaled once more before opening the door and poking your head in. You smiled softly (trying to lessen the pain as much as possible) and waved before slipping your whole body inside in the room.

Matt smiled, waving as he signaled you to sit in the sofa-esque chair beside him. You eased yourself onto the comfy seat and smacked your palms against the arm rest. "Alright, where to start...?"

"Proofs, probably. I wasn't paying attention and I don't quite understand the whole 'Angle, Side, Angle' thing."

"Gee, who were you staring at the entire time?" you teased, opening your book up to the proofs page.

"Tch. I don't like anyone in that class, trust me. I was playing my Gameboy the entire time."

Your heart rate dropped a bit when you heard that, but you quickly changed the subject to proofs to cover up your hurt. "Proofs are Geometric tools used to prove two triangle's similarity or congruency. For instance, because of the triangle sum theorem, Angle Angle [Or AA] is used to prove similarity because in every triangle, all three angles add up to 360 degrees. So, if you already know the measurements of two of the angles the other is guaranteed to equal the same thing. Are you following?"

Matt nodded, suddenly feeling drowsy already.

~*~

"Now, if the sides have a single dash through them, it means the sides are equal. So, under 'Reason' you would put 'given'."

Matt nodded, blocking out your words. He was too busy staring at the movement of your lips to pay attention to what you were actually saying. Unbeknownst to Matt, all of this staring had made him tempted. He began slowly but surely moving his face closer to yours - inch by inch. You continued chattering away, completely unaware as your index finger ran along the text of the book. You occasionally looked up at Matt, but not frequently enough to notice he hadn't been paying attention to anything you were saying.

"So, if you have a side with a single dash adjacent to a side with a double dash, you know those sides aren't congruent," you paused, feeling a slight draft. Your eyes dragged upwards, only to see Matt's eyes closed and centimeters away from yours. You resisted the urge to shriek or jump up in shock, and sat there, stunned.

Your heart thudded in your chest, your eyes wide and your swallows thick. Matt opened his eyes briefly to stare at your lips, consciously realizing what he was about to do. He then closed his eyes, and his dry, chapped lips brushed against your own. Still in a state of shock, you only sat there, eyes still wide and heart still racing. After he actually began kissing you, you found your eyelids fluttering to a close, and you instinctively placed your hands on his shoulders, pulling him forward. You had never kissed anyone before, so the only experience that you had was what you had seen in the movies.

...It seemed to be working well for you. Though, you never imagined your first kiss to be so damn painful.

Mello walked through the door. He wasn't necessarily shocked by what he had seen, but he cringed nonetheless. "I leave for ten minutes..."

Matt Sanders (M Shadows) was born 28 years ago!!!

I'm madly in love with him!! YAY!!! So this is a very special day! I love him so much! XD! He has a great voice, he is a great musician, and a great person!

He is: atractive,beautiful,cute,gorgeous,hot,

handsome, sexy, etc!!

HOT!

awesome!

cute!

ILY baby!!

Okay, I've been on here, hours trying to find a name for this new slash story.

Yeah, I said hours. So guess what. If you don't like this new slash story, I don't give a flying fuck.

Anyways, I'm going to name the characters, then I'm going to list who is paired with who.

And then, a banner(thanks to Vienna) followed by a little picture of Jyrki or two or three. Who knows with me.

Don't like Jyrki?

As I said before, I don't give a flying fuck.

>_>

Characters:

Amy Seward

Jessie Manderson

Vienna Hathaway

Sage Harris

Paige Gray

Sierra Haner

Vanessa Pole

Matt Sanders

Johnny Seward

Brian Haner Jr.

Zack Baker

Jimmy Sullivan

Jacoby Shaddix

Brandan Schieppati

Cat Casino

Jyrki Linnankivi

Pairings:

Amy/Jyrki/Brian

Jessie/Jacoby

Vienna/Brandan

Sage/Zack

Paige/Cat

Vanessa/Johnny

Sierra/Matt

Jimmy/Jacoby/Jyrki

Banner:

Title: Cruel Melody

Main Pairing: Jyrki/Jimmy

Rating: R or Nc-17. Language, Sex, Violence, Drugs.

Summary: Jyrki is basically using women as a cover up, until he meets Jimmy.

Author's Note: It took me long enough to post this. All freakin' day if you ask me. Anyways, I hope this is better than the last. I really do. I have some good ideas for this and let's see if it works.

Jyrki Linnankivi!

He's so adorable.

I don't even care what dumb shit he does. He's still adorable.

He makes the stupid things he does adorable.

I'm going to stop saying adorable.

Look at him.

Lmao.

He's so weird, but in the cute way.

Notice I didn't say adorable.

His pictures cheer me up, along with his voice.

:))

♥

♥♥♥

| Death Note | The Swan Song; Chapter Three: Attraction [Matt]

"Roger was the only one who didn't notice how much time we were spending with each other. The other guys...they teased me for visiting you so late at night. I just really don't see you like that, and i'm sure you don't see me like that, either. It was just...awkward. I'm really sorry..."

You didn't know why those words pained so much. You didn't know why you felt an uncomfortable pressure in your chest when he said that, or why your stomach felt like it had dropped. You didn't know why you got so upset, yelled at Matt, and told him never to come back again. Was it out of anger? Jealousy? Was there some other girl he desired? Someone that wasn't you...

Why did that thought seem to cut through you like a knife? Matt was just a friend. That was clear from the beginning. What good would a relationship do you both? It would only bring stress; you befriended these kids to help them, not hurt them. Most importantly, why were you still dwelling on the subject?

You shook your head. Normally losing a 'friend' never bothered you this much. It was just that...Matt felt...genuine - right from the start. Instead of you following him around, he followed you around. Instead of you checking on him, he checked on you. He was just...perfect. You sighed again, slamming your fist into your knee as you growled. It was humiliating! Being so obsessed like this. You were obsessed with the thought of you guys hanging out together, obsessed with the thought of him feeling just as confused as you were, obsessed with the thought of a romantic relationship with him, obsessed with everything about him! You couldn't take it anymore!

You slowly crawled your way out of bed, slipping on a coat and some boots before making your way outside to deal with this mess. You needed to talk to him. You needed to tell him how you felt. How confused you were. How much those words had hurt you. He needed to understand you. And most importantly, you needed to understand him...

You made your way down the corridor, not caring that people laughed and pointed at you. Some children gave a small gasp when you walked by, and soon turned to whisper something in their friend's ear. Some of them would even make mock-disgusted faces when you walk by, and then laugh and high-five their friends for being so 'cool'. You felt an unfamiliar anger pulse through your veins. You felt an unusual need to beat up the next person who decided to fuck with you.

This was it. This was the last straw, you weren't going to take it anymore. After sitting back for years and letting people take advantage of you, you were done. Done.

"I don't know how a slime ball like you managed to snag someone as cute as Matt. He must have been desperate for someone to hang out with. I mean, who would willingly hang out with you?" the girl speaking snorted obnoxiously after 'calling you out'. You could already feel yourself twitching.

"Listen here, half-wit. I don't give a flying FUCK what you sons-of-bitches think of me. I. DON'T. CARE. ANYMORE. I spent years of my life at Wammy's trying to please all of you, and make you feel welcomed. This is where it ends. All you ingrates ever do is throw me away like some used up tissue. And trust me, you'll pay for it," you barked, the girl was shocked that you actually said something back to her, but smirked devilishly as soon as the shock had worn off.

"Yeah, we used you, so what? It was nice on our part, you know, putting up with you for as long as we did. No one can stand you, and that's the exact same reason Matt left you and doesn't talk to you anymore, because he can't stand you. You're an annoying little snot who tries to get up in everybody's business because you think that you can help us. Who ever said we needed help in the first place? NOBODY. WANTS. YOUR. HELP," the girl's face was inches away from yours, and she continued screaming even at such a close proximity.

You felt your heart begin to work a bit slower. Maybe...I forced myself on people...when they really didn't need me. Is that why everyone hates me? And Matt...can he stand me? Or is he just like everyone else...?
_

Matt had heard screaming in the corridor where his room was. He sighed, "Not another fight," and made his way towards the door. When he saw a group of children circled around two girls, he didn't expect you to be one of those two. His jaw dropped at what he had heard next, "Yeah, we used you, so what? It was nice on our part, you know, putting up with you for as long as we did. No one can stand you, and that's the exact same reason Matt left you and doesn't talk to you anymore, because he can't stand you. You're an annoying little snot who tries to get up in everybody's business because you think that you can help us. Who ever said we needed help in the first place? NOBODY. WANTS. YOUR. HELP."

What is this girl talking about? I never said that! What the hell? His heart began to beat faster; he could feel the heat radiating off of his skin. And when he saw you sobbing because of that stupid girl...it only fueled the flame.

He pushed his way through the crowd of kids who were all riled up to see you get the crap beaten out of you. Once he made his way to the front, he was terrified to see the girl pounce on you, and have two of her friends start punching you on the stomach and face as the main one held you down.
_

It...hurts...

You couldn't think clearly as the girls continued to relentlessly punch you. You tried kicking, but there was no way you could move your legs as this girl sat on your waist. You tried moving your hands, but she had pinned you down by the wrists. The only thing you could do was move your head, and all that did was make you feel more overwhelmed. The people...some of them were cheering, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Some of them were giving you pitied looks. Some of them...wanted you to get hurt. Your neck twisted left abruptly, and you let out an, "oof" before trying to regain your breath. You had just been punched in the face. After a punch to the face, they began ramming their hands onto your belly. The force of the hits to the stomach made you sit in an upright position, only to be hit back to the ground by another punch to the face.

You felt pitiful as your back pounded against the ground with each punch. Blood began pouring out of your nose and the inside of your mouth. You felt so...drained of energy. Powerless. Weak. Your eyes began closing on their own accord, and you welcomed the darkness that soon followed.

"S-STOP IT! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PSYCHOS THINK YOU'RE DOING? I SAID STOP IT!" Matt screamed at the girls, but they really seemed to be having too much fun to care...

"You know you wanted to see her get the shit beat out of her," the girl smiled triumphantly from her place on your waist.

"FUCKING STOP IT YOU DUMB BITCHES! YOU KNOCKED HER OUT!" the girls finally stopped their ruthless beating and scoffed at Matt, "You actually like her?"

"I do! If you've got a fucking problem with that, then just leave," Matt growled. The girls rolled their eyes and walked off. "On second thought, come back..."

The 'leader' of the group smirked and turned around.

"You were pretty quick to jump on the chance to tell ___ why nobody likes her. So...you want to know why nobody likes you?"

"Enlighten me, please," sarcasm dripped from her voice.

"You're the kind of person that will follow everyone else and what they do. You don't set yourself apart from the crowd. You're an evil, narcissistic, bitch who thinks you're the hottest shit to walk the planet. You bother _____ because she helps people, while you're too lazy to get off your fatass for five seconds to try and make a difference. People like you are a waste of sperm and egg. Get a life."

The girl growled at Matt. She tried her hardest to maintain her tough exterior, but couldn't help but run away and cry. Everyone knew she had a big crush on Matt, so hearing that from him was heartbreaking. Not that Matt cared for bitches like her. The girl's friends glared at Matt before chasing after her, "WAIT! I'M SURE HE DIDN'T MEAN IT! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING! THAT EVIL WITCH HAS HIM UNDER HER SPELL!"

"What happened here?" it was Roger.
_

You woke up with the worst headache you've ever had in your entire life. And the worst part of it all was, you had no idea where you were, or why you were there. "Nnah..." you couldn't even form a proper sentence, let alone speak a single word. Your mouth felt swollen, your eyelids felt swollen. Your entire body was throbbing.

"She's awake!" it was Matt. You could recognize that voice anyday.

"M-M...att," it was a struggle to even move your tongue. So painful. What the fuck happened to you?

"Shhhh, don't talk," that was definitely Roger. Damnit! You didn't want to be quiet, you wanted to know what was going on! You couldn't move your legs, your arms, or your neck. It was as if you were paralyzed.

"Whut...harpen..." you hoped they could understand what you were saying. Was your tongue swollen, too?

Someone sighed, "You...got in a fight. Well, actually, you got jumped by three girls. You were only expecting to take on one...and two of the girl's accomplices popped up and just starting hitting you..."

You remembered now. Your stomach seemed to churn just thinking about it. They hit you so hard. It was almost as if...they wanted you to die. You remembered looking up at the girls who were so mercilessly beating you, and they were smiling. Enjoying the moment. Basking in the fact that they made you bleed, scream and cry.

You remember waking up slightly...and someone was insulting them...for you. Then you just blacked out again, and now you were here.

You were so confused...who would want to stand up for you?

Oli and Matt talk about their latest album, Suicide Season, and what makes them stand out from the crowd.

Your calendar was ornamented with birthdays and celebrations, most of them were for people you were no longer friends with. They were just some of the kids whom you had shown around, and they decided it would be best to break it off with you because you were 'uncool'. They always found 'cooler' people to hang out with, and since they were done using you to prove that they weren't loners, you were as good as gone in their book. But, sadly, they remained on the pages of your calendar.

You had just added another date: Matt's birthday; all of the dates signified a vain hope that you could have a long lasting friendship. Just as the others, Matt seemed to have forgotten you. He hadn't visited you in nearly two weeks, and you often saw him following Wammy's second best - Mello - nearly everywhere. They were practically attached at the hip...just as you two were two weeks prior. Only, Mello wasn't nearly as benevolent to Matt as you were. Mello bossed him around and Matt did whatever Mello asked without a second thought. You wondered why in god's name would Matt want to hang out with someone like Mello when he could hang out with you! You felt a sinking feeling in your stomach when you realized, Gee, I bet that's what everyone's said about me. Why would I want to hang out with her when I could hang out with the coolest kid at Wammy's? You'd have to be an idiot to want to hang around her for that long!

Your breath quickened, and - as if it were a reflex - you buried your face in your hands. A familiar feeling of bleakness and pessimism gnawed at your being; your eyelids became dewy with tears until they overflowed and cascaded down your cheeks. You wheezed, letting out a shrill cry after every hiccuped inhale of breath. This occurred every time a 'friend' left you. You didn't even think you could count the number of times this has happened to you on your fingers and toes. You had no friends, and to make matters worse, you had never had a friendship or close relationship with anybody that could help you distinguish what is key in a friendship. It had always been rejection with you. Your parents rejected you, 'friends' rejected you, boys rejected you...

You were a mess. You figured you were a waste of sperm and egg, a meaningless blob of flesh destined for nothing but death's cold touch. You didn't want to live anymore. You couldn't handle not being able to interact with human beings. You couldn't handle the fact that on this planet of billions, not one person would accept you or take you under their wing. Not one person loved you, or cared for you in anyway whatsoever. It was a grim truth that you had to face everyday, as soon as you woke up from your dreams. The only time you were truly happy was when you were asleep. You would dream of having parents who loved you, who would go places with you, who would teach you right from wrong. They could share their wisdom with you, and set you on the right path in life. But you didn't have that. Everyday you had to wake up to the reality that the only sort of parents or guardians you had only cared for your amount of book-smarts. They only cared to train you to be the most intelligent, not the best you could be.

Your laments became louder and more drawn out, which in turn caused your chest to tighten and your muscles to spasm. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to live.

"Did I...make you like this?"

Your head shot up, and red tinged your cheeks. You stopped sobbing, but the tears still ran freely down your cheeks. How did you not hear him walk in?

You stuttered, "M-Matt, when did you get here? H-How much of that did you hear?"

"Well, you didn't really say much..." he scratched the back of his neck.

"O-Oh," your head plopped down in shame, you began staring at your toes in a desperate attempt to take away some of your edginess. He had seen you crying. How embarrassing. You hated it when people saw you in a susceptible state. You were always known as the buoyant person...and if anyone saw otherwise...they would make your life even more difficult than it already is.

"You didn't answer my question." His tone was guilty, "Did I do this to you?"

"By now, you've probably heard what everyone really thinks of me. And I don't blame you for not wanting to hang out with me...that's totally okay. I just thought I had finally found...a friend," you felt the tears beginning to form in your eyelids again. "It's not singlehandedly your fault i'm like this...but if we want to get technical, yes, i'm crying over you."

Matt frowned, he was sincerely sorry for you but he was unsure how he should handle the situation. "I never said I didn't want to hang out with you..."

"Then why haven't you visited me for two weeks? Why are you hanging around with Mello?"

You hated how possessive you sounded. You hated how obsessed you sounded. You just couldn't help it, though. You liked Matt. You considered him a friend and you were holding onto a shred of hope that he thought of you in the same way.

"I'm really sorry...and I know this is going to sound like such a bullshit answer, but..." He sighed, "Mello is my roommate now. Roger said that I looked too 'lonely' or something. I was perfectly happy being with you, to be honest, but Roger made me move in with Mello. That's why i'm hanging around him. Plus, when you actually get to know Mello, he's pretty cool. My intentions weren't to ignore you, though."

"...Why haven't you visited me, then?"

"I really don't want to hurt your feelings in any way. That's just not the kind of person I am," Matt made sure to make that clear. "Roger was the only one who didn't notice how much time we were spending with each other. The other guys...they teased me for visiting you so late at night, and it really didn't help that Roger said it was unacceptable to visit girls at that time of night. I just really don't see you like that, and i'm sure you don't see me like that, either. It was just...awkward. I'm really sorry..."

"Thank you for telling me that. All the other kids would just leave me and not tell me what I did wrong..." just as you had finally sobered up, you began crying again, "Alright, Matt, you can go. I understand now. Mello is second best at Wammy's - he's someone anyone would want to befriend. Me, on the other hand, nobody wants to be friends with me. And when someone actually does, their lives get made miserable as a result. You don't have to talk to me anymore. You're such a nice person, I wouldn't want you to be unhappy because of me. I have enough on my shoulders as it is, the last thing I need is someone to have a fucked up social life because of ME."

"It's not like that, I swear-"

"JUST GO! I don't need your pity," You shouted, pointing towards the door, "I know what you really think of me. You're just like everyone else! Just leave me alone! Don't you DARE come back!"

Matt's face softened, and his eyes became moist with tears. It was so frustrating to him! His entire life he had been pushed away by everyone he had grown close to. He thought he could confide in you. He thought you would be a friend to him. His past made him unable to trust people, and your past was similar if not worse. He understood why you acted this way. He understood you so well after only knowing you for such a short period of time...if you would just trust him as much as he trusted you...

He slugged his way towards your door, and just as he was about to shut it...

"Just know that i've never had a friend either."

He shut the door softly. You were left alone again to wallow in self pity.

It doesn't have to be like this...
...I don't have to be alone...
He could be there for me...
...But does he have the best intentions?
Or is he just another mindless clone made to elicit my misery?

_

Author's Note: I'm going camping for four days, but I already have chapter three and four written. I'll post them sometime when I get back.

This isn't the story I told you guys about, but it is about Zacky and Brian.

. . . . . .

'Tap. Tap' His fingernails sounded on the kitchen counter as we stared eachother down. His left hand inched the house phone across the counter toward me and stopped so he could tap his fingernails again. That right hand of his was under his chin keeping his head up while it rested.

"I'm not calling him, Brian."I murmured staring unblinking into his brown eyes that were a shade or two lighter then mine. he even told me my eyes were so dark they looked black. They aren't black, but dark brown, the same color as my hair and about five shades darker then my skin. I should know, right? They are my eyes, but since he stares at me every day he most think they are black.

Brian sighed and blinked, he lost.

 I laughed at him,"I win, you lose!" I teased him happily, and handed the phone to him. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the phone out of my hand with a smirk on his face.

"Whatever, Kai."he sighed and set down the phone and took a swig of his coke. I was about to tell him to call Zacky when Matt burst through the kitchen door looking furious. I laughed nd he glared.

"Will you two be serious! Call Zack now Kai, or i'm kicking so much ass later!"He shouted at us, I guess he didn't know me and Bri just had a staring contest on that subject. Johnny groaned painfully from the kitchen table.

"Shut up, Matt!"Johnny yelled and cover his ears, he was recovering from a bad hangover. He drank too much at the party, poor guy.

"Brian lost he calls and this isn't my house, Matt."I defended myself and sat down at the table across from Johnny. He chuckled into the wooden surface that his head was on, and started to play footsy with me under the table. I squealed a laugh and tried to step on his feet, covered his ears tighter and laughed also.

"This is so unfair! I have a party for!"he pointed at me when I turned around to look at him,"And now you won't help me clean up and news flash, this is your house!"He bellowed and I held back a laugh as he stormed out the room. I guess I was still a little buzzed.

"Oops, I keep forgeting!"I called after him and he came back and flipped me off, then left again. I shrieked in surprise when Johnnys foot tickled my thigh. He laughed so loud the sound hurt his own ears. Brian laughed over the phone, then started to tell Zacky what happened. I throw an empty beer can at him and he ducked before it could hit him.

Well, I hope Zack was all most here, since he trashed the place. Jimmy did the most damage at the party and now he was sleeping his hangover off in my room. Matt made him throw away some trash before he went up to my room. I had to laugh at that. Jimmy stubbling everywhere as he picked up the empty beer cans, and Matt looking over what he picked up. It was just so funny.

I was officially Matt's step-sister as of last night. I actually was  his step-sister last week and the week before that, but that was the time when he hated my guts. So, last nights party was his apology to me, and the guy knows how to through a good party. But, things wouldn't really be official untill our parents' wedding. Our parents, my mom and Matt's dad, are away on a business trip, and now we have to clean up before they find out we had a house party.

Thats how everything came to be, now that I think about it. My mom's job. Funny, how my dad hated the fact that my mom love her job as a travel agent. And spent all her time on it, that once they got divorced, Matt's dad asked her out after their long time friendship. My dad hated that, too. After, they dated for a while, of cousre, they decided me and Matt should meet. I don't even believe how I never met him before, our parents worked together and went to school togther. But, I guess they weren't that close. I just remember he didn't like me, and once he found out I was moving in (after our parents got engaged), he hated me. They dated for six months and after the engagment, me and my mom left L.A. to live with them in Huntington Beach, and now after last weeks bonding, Matt loves like a big brother loves his little sister.

Anyways, our parents were in New York on business and right now Matt was being a bitch. Like the first day I moved in but all over again. So, since I hate cleaning, I am not a big fan of Matt right now.

"Dude, we're going to clean up, okay? Just when everyone is up to it."Brian told Matt calmly when he walked into the kitchen again. It was like he was reading my mind.

"Yeah, calm down, Matty. You can even start cleaning without us if you want."I suggested innocently and he rolled his eyes and left. "Zacky'll be here soon."Brian called after him and Matt just told him to fuck off. Brian sighed and sat down at the table next to me. He played with  my necklace Zacky gave me, without a word, his fingers gently touching my neck. He was frowning slightly, he didn't like that Zack gave it to m, but Zack didn't like the things Brian let me keep either. Ever since Brian first talked to me, i just couldn't get him out of my head, or Zacky for that matter.

"I still can't believe you live here now."brian said softly and smiled his crooked smile. He knew I loved it. I smiled back, nodding.

"Yeah. And that Matt likes me."I laughed and so did he.

"Yeah, thats kind of shocking. He used to call you a bitch a lot, too." I laughed harder.

"Oh, how he was wrong."He said softly and leaned in toward my lips. I froze when his lips met mine. They were so soft even with our chaste kiss. He knew my rule well: no kissing until I could decide who I wanted. Him or Zack. But he loved to break that rule... so did Zack. So, I guess it was only a rule to me.

"Ding, dong!" It was Zacky, thank God. We quickly pulled apart, when he stepped into the kitchen. Matt must have let him in.

"Hey guys."He said, noticing our weirdness with a frown. Brian wasn't helpping since he was smiling smugly at Zack. I made a face and kicked him under the table. Johnny groaned again and sat up with a nasty look on his face.

"Gotta puke!"He shouted as he ran out the room. We all got our 'ew's in as he darted off.

"Well, since everyones here, we better start cleaning up."I sighed and got out of my seat and stretched. I was a bit stiff from sitting there. Zack and Brian both grinned at me then notice they were grining about the same thing, and glared at eachother. I rolled my eyes. They were like this friends and enemies at the same time. It was all my fault.

I told them to follow me into that livingroom, since that was the most trashed part of the house. Then it seemed to dawn on Zack that he was here to clean and he tried to make a break for it.

"No you don't!"Brian yelled and tackled him to the ground, but Zack got out from under him and started to run again. I laughed so hard when Brian caught him my the pants and started to pull them down to the  ground. Finally, Zack gave up and pulled his pants back over his ass and helped us clean.

. . . . . .

Liked it, want more? Tell me:)

| Death Note | The Swan Song; Chapter One: Meeting [Matt]

They were just faces. Another child added to the competition. Another child mindlessly bred to use his/her genius abilities to succeed the most infamous detective that has ever walked the earth. No pressure, of course, to fill this man’s shoes and maintain the world’s homeostasis by capturing the most threatening criminals on the planet and making sure they get dealt with in the proper manner.

You weren’t here to succeed this man - L. You were placed in Wammy’s because of your brilliant IQ and mental capabilities...but all you really wanted was a place to stay. A place to meet people, create bonds and fill the gaping hole in your chest that your parents had created when they abandoned you.

When another child entered Wammy’s house, most of the children felt threatened and compelled to try harder, to study more in order to keep their position on the ranks. Most children would shun the newcomer, and make his/her life absolute hell so they can keep their spot and improve their performance. Wammy’s was full of ingrates - selfish human beings who had no interest in anyone but themselves.

Some of these children had watched their parents die in front of their very own eyes. Some of their parents had been murdered and they were left with no family to turn to. No one who loved them, just the cold streets they had to sleep on at night. They would beg for money, and most people would sneer and walk away claiming that their parents had probably sent them there to guilt people into giving them money. What parents, though? These children had no one to turn to. And you remembered how that felt; most of these children were too preoccupied with studies to sit down and remember what it felt like to be completely and utterly alone in the world.

You were repulsed by the way these children - seeking nothing more than a home - were treated. That’s why you took it upon yourself to make them feel welcome. You thought that, one way or the other, you could help mend those wounds that were gashed so deep inside their hearts and minds - you wanted to heal. You didn’t want any of the children to have to go through the pain and suffering of isolation. Though, you were only thirteen, you felt that you were somehow responsible for these children...even if you’ve never met them before. You would put them in front of you, and risk your happiness in order to make sure they felt happy.

The children would be grateful at first, but then would just cast you out because they were so accustomed to Wammy’s that the same thing ran through their heads, “You’re my competition. I can’t trust you. You’ll manipulate me just like everyone else has, and you will laugh at me as I fall to the ground.”

Your kindness was often forgotten quickly...and though you gave your heart and soul to these people...you were alone.

“Seat 29, can you please explain the Squeeze Principle to us?” you were snapped from your prolonged thoughts by your teacher’s insipid voice.

Just another face without a name.

“The Squeeze Principle is used on limit problems where the usual algebraic methods are not effective. However, it requires that you be able to “squeeze'' your problem in between two other “simpler'' functions whose limits are easily computable and equal. The use of the Squeeze Principle requires accurate analysis, deft algebra skills, and careful use of inequalities,” you replied dully.

“Good, but not the exact answer I was looking for.”

Is anything ever good enough?

“Now, let’s move onto problem 12 - 98, part A-“

The sound of a door creaking open caused all of the students’ heads to turn abruptly in the direction of the doorway. A smiling Roger waved at the students in the classroom, and with his free hand he placed his palm on the back of a boy and guided him to the front of the room. The boy was at an average height - maybe 5'5" - and he looked no older than 13. He had bright red hair trimmed into a disheveled bowl cut that complemented his still-developing bone structure. Brilliant green eyes shone through orange-tinted goggles; said eyes were currently focusing on the screen of the boy’s Gameboy Advance. “Sorry to interrupt the class, kids, but we have a new student here at Wammy’s. His Name is Mail Jeevas-“

“It’s Matt - call me Matt,” he corrected timidly, his fingers still clacking against the buttons of his game.

“- And I’d like you to welcome him and help him enjoy his stay here,” Roger said kindly, with a sweet smile spreading across his aged and wrinkled face. He left the room hurriedly, and the teacher nonchalantly sent Matt to the back of the classroom to sit by himself while everyone continued their work.
_

The class was excused after finishing an hours worth of calculus problems, and you made it a mission to introduce yourself to Matt and try to get to know him better. You did this with nearly every new kid, though, most of them were rude and claimed that they were in no need of your help. You never let that discourage you - not even when people called you a suck-up or said nasty things about you behind your back. None of them understood you as a person - they only analyzed your competitive nature...and most deduced that you weren’t a threat.
_

It was lunch time, and as you predicted, Matt seemed completely lost as to where he should sit. You figured this was your cue, and after preparing your tray you walked over to him with a warm smile. “Hi, my name is ____, you’re in my math class. Matt, right?”

He nodded, not quite sure if you were being sincerely friendly or not. He had already been pushed around on his first day at Wammy’s, and he was a bit...nervous.

As if you could read his thoughts, “Don’t worry; I swear I’m not like the rest of them.”

Matt quirked a brow, “A-Alright...”

“So, now that we’ve got the introduction down...we better find a seat before they get filled up,” you began walking towards an empty table, and Matt hesitantly followed you.
_

For the next couple of weeks, Matt clung to you like a stray dog. You didn’t mind it at all, it was a nice change from being alone all the time. Matt was a very quiet person, he often locked himself in his room for hours on end just playing video games. And even when you would visit his room, he rarely said anything. He spoke only when necessary and it was usually a one or two word response.
It would be difficult for you to get close to him.
But that’s okay.
You didn’t mind a chase.