Heidi Montag Blog and Journals

 

 

Like, I don't love my face, okay, I wish I was pretty, but even so, it's still my face. It's where all my self-expression comes from, the first thing people see when they see me and the first thing I see when I see me. It carries all the things I've lived through on it, it's the portal of me from inside my own head to the outside world. So even though I wish I was prettier, I couldn't imagine changing it even slightly because it would erase something on my face that I had carried with me for the rest of my life. I WANT to age because it's a testamet to how long I've been alive, what I've seen and done and experienced. It would show that I have lived enough to know a few things. Even a small alteration would be a big shock. But the idea of one day having oone face and the next day looking in the mirror and seeing a whole other face entirely (even if the work was good and I WAS prettier!) it would still be awful and scary for me because this huge part of my identity would be replaced and I'd no longer see what I see now.. what God really gave me ever again and instead have this new permanent mask designed to live up to this idealistic standard of beauty, knowing it's going to fade anyway no matter how many surgeries I get, and to save this new mask, in order to have any sort of face at all, I'd have to keep getting cut up and stitched. It's a total nightmare.

This is a new barrier that has been broken, a young woman has completely replaced her face and body for attention. This is going to lead to more extreme actions by people in the future who are as desperate for attention as she is. I know I shouldn't be posting about this because it's just feeding her need for attention, but I couldn't not say something.

 

Just so you all know, when you have plastic surgery this young, you have to get nips and tucks done for the rest of your life because your face is meant to change and it's the only way to keep it from falling apart.

 

PPlease let this be rock bottom. Please let this serve as a cautionary tale, not something people will emulate. It's just terrifying.

She was a pretty girl and now she looks like a pornstar freak.

Some people should't be allowed to get plastic surgery, like people with body dismorphic disorder. Anyway aren't surgeons supposed to use good judgement about the mental stability of their patients? Marrying that hitler youth, demon spawn is a sure sign that Heidi Montag is not competant enough to dress herself in the morning let alone pick out her own jumbo sized new breasts. Congratulations now you look like a used up porn star and your career will totally take off... just keep on praying, I'm sure Jesus is really stoked to have you as his number one fan.

Terrible!

Perez posted a clip of last night's show of Spencer apologizing to Lauren with "Save You" playing in the background.  Check it out, it's pretty cool.  Watching one of my favorite shows and hearing a song I wrote start to play is a pretty awesome and weird feeling, I can't really describe it.  I'm so immune to the song at this point (because I've heard it so many times) that when it started playing I didn't fully realize what was happening haha  

 

http://perezhilton.com/2009-05-26-watch-spencer-apologize

 

You can also watch the full episode at hills.mtv.com

 

 

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Aim

I'm excited to share this wonderful news of ANOTHER placement on The Hills! Save You performed by Miss Kelly Clarkson, written by myself and Ryan Tedder of One Republic, was featured on tonight's episode in the closing scene. If you want to catch it and happened to miss the episode tonight I'm sure MTV will be playing reruns this week and also you can head over to hills.mtv.com to watch it online. How exciting!

thanks guys!

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Aim

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Evelyn Nonsense, PhD

(commonnonsense)

---

Letter from the week of 5/1/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

So! As you may have heard either through our frequent (every twelve seconds!) Twitter updates of completely unscripted reality TV show, we are a newly married couple! PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY! But now that we are married, we are beginning to understand the trials and tribulations of being a completely commited couple that spawned from an awful reality TV show.

For example, when you get married in Mexico, apparently it doesn't count in the United States.

...What.

And now we probably have Swine Flu. Like, EPIC FAIL of a wedding, to be honest. So, we come back from Mexico all innocent and pure and then we hear that our marriage is fake. What would God think? Or our Republican brethren?

Therefore, to make it was more real, we decided to feature it on a reality TV show. Because nothing gurantees true love, adoration, and all that death-to-us-part stuff than being on TV, right?!

We need help! We need to convince everyone that we're in this FOR REAL and not just to promote HEIDI MONTAG'S NEW SONG, "LOOK HOW I'M DOING," NOW AVAILABLE ON iTUNES!

ALSO LOOK FOR THE FOLLOWING IN A RELIGIOUS-GOODS STORE NEAR YOU!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER BIBLES!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER AMERICAN FLAGS!

- HEIDI AND SPENCER "MCCAIN / PALIN '08" STICKERS (THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GIVING UP!)

- HEIDI AND SPENCER SURGICAL MASKS TO WARD OFF FLU OF THE SWINE!

- SPENCER'S SHAVED, CREEPY FLESH-COLORED BEARD ON EBAY!

And much more!

How can we tell the world (A.K.A. the approximately 237.46 people who still watch The Hills) that our marriage is for real without filling the message with product placements and poorly disguised self-promotion? We need your help, O Great and Wise Yet Totally Liberal Doctor!

Love and hearts and God,

A totally loving and not attention-seeking couple STARRING IN "THE HILLS" ON MTV!

---

Dear "Speidi,"

...If that is your real name.

Your both have the same problem. It's a rare disease of the mind called "attentionseekeriliosis." So, I am sorry to inform you that you are very, VERY sick.

And you probably have Swine Flu, too.

What you need to do is rent a little house somewhere and escape. And by "escape," I do not mean "Go on vacation and then invite the paparazzi to take pictures of you in your little bikinis while holding hands and laughing and delighting in all of your celebrity glory."

That's not a vacation, kids. That's a photoshoot. You are not a scene queen; therefore, you don't need to take a camera everywhere. My own personal opinions concerning the scene aside, taking pictures is their job. Your job is growing pedophile-esque facial hair, being terrible actors, and creating songs that late-night drag queen clubs would play.

So, your job is almost harder.

MIND-FREAK.

Honey, WAVE that American flag. And do it with PRIDE. But don't do it in front of a thousand flashing cameras and creepy, ex-convict photographers shouting "OW OW, HOT MAMA!"

Maybe if you detach yourself a bit from the public, you will be able to relate to them a bit more.

With little to no patriotic joy,

Dr. Nonsense

P.S. GOOD GOD, I DON'T CARE IF LAUREN WAS AT YOUR WEDDING!

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WARNING! BEFORE YOU COMMENT!

We all know disclaimers do not rule, but I need to say: THIS IS 100% FAKE. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HUMOR. Also, I am in no way attempting to disrespect anyone. I have never met these people, and I can't really judge them. End of story.

macro by yours truly.

Please tune in tonight at 10pm (or the first rerun at 11pm) to watch the new episode of The Hills tonight on MTV. A song of mine that I wrote a little over a month ago called "LA Bitch" was chosen to be a featured song! They also rerun the show all week and in a couple days they will post the entire episode at mtv.com if you miss it! Please listen for it, this is really exciting for me as The Hills is one of my favorite shows :)



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Popsugar is doing this march (uh, April?) madness thingee for celebs and I had some fun making my picks this morning. You have to login to to do it, but I wanted to show you some of the current results... in case you felt the need to contribute:

 

WHEW. I would have no faith in humanity if Heidi even hit the double digits.

Who are the 2% who even voted for Spencer Pratt? Maybe Angelina Jolie. And all her children.

Uh, guys? Scientology and the capture of Katie Holmes. We have to do something about this.

NECK IN NECK!

Tonight marks the return of MTV's "reality" show, The Hills. It's season 5, and the drama is as fresh as ever. I mean, I think it is. I stopped watching somewhere around the era of excessive neck bling for Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. More, whether you like it or not...

So, since their elopement, pseudolebrities Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have probably been getting marriage advice from the far more famous people they tend to hang out with.  And while it's possible Spencer's been getting marriage advice from the likes of Pete Wentz, there's another source that's apparently been giving him some sage advise as well: Tom Cruise.


Yeah, you read that right.  Tom "Jesus of Scientology" Cruise. 

MTV.com reports that Cruise's advice was mostly about the wedding itself, telling Spencer to make sure it was an affair that Heidi would remember.  "She's gonna remember it forever," Cruise said.  And really, Tom should know, since his 2006 Italian wedding to Katie Holmes was ridiculously extravagent and star studded.  Pratt apparently told US Magazine that a big wedding would be possible under one condition: "If Tom's the best man, we'll have a big wedding!"

Of course, though out all of this, I find myself wondering when Tom Cruise slipped Heidi and Spencer copies of Dyanetics and told them to call him if they needed help understanding any of it.  After all, Scientology would likely KILL for a very special episode of The Hills where Heidi and Spencer have their Thetan count calculated.

I was inspired by user Kawaiinai to write up a column on how to make some good costumes for cheap. I love making my own costumes, but don't always have the money to get the results I want. I figured, why not spread the wealth (since that seems to be the word of the day) and share my knowledge with you, the Buzznet public? Because we can't all afford professional-quality costumes. And why buy it when you can make it?

1. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

This is a good couple's costume. Works especially well if you're...well, blondes. Preppy Spencer loves button-up shirts and polos, which are easy to come by at low prices. Don't forget jeans, which are a definite staple to his wardrobe. If necessary, try to draw on (or if you're blonde, grow one) his creepy flesh colored beard. As for Heidi, less is more. The cheaper and skankier, the better. With her, it's easy to just find some short shorts (or cut pants to desired length) and a tank top with a bold print, preferably zebra. Express sells similar items with a bit of a hefty tag, but why buy one when you can just paint stripes on a cheap tank top? At the same time, you could buy stuff off of Heidi's Anchor Blue line, Heidiwood, but that might cost you a bit more. Then again, it is less than Lauren Conrad's collection. Paparazzi optional. If you do choose to have some, make sure they know where you are at all times.

2. Hayley Williams of Paramore

In what will probably be one of the most common female costumes this year (right next to Amy Winehouse and probably Britney Spears), you can be sure that a costume like Ms. Williams will turn heads. Hayley is good at being bold while being not too-high budget, unlike her more mainstream counterpart Avril Lavigne. Obviously Williams' most prominent feature is her vibrant hair, which can be red or orange depending on what you want. If you already have red or orange hair, good for you! If not, this can easily be achieved by picking up hair color sprays, which can be found at most party stores like Party City, or Spencer Gifts, and come at about $3-$4 a can. Spray all over the hair until you get your desired color. Ladies with longer hair might need several cans. In a true testament to Hayley's unique style, grab a plain white tank top and write "RIOT!" on it in black and orange. You can also write "Paramore is a band", or if you're feeling really creative, "Paramore es una banda" (which Hayley had scrawled on her shirt at the recent Latin American VMAs). Skinny jeans complement the look, preferably colored ones, which are a little harder to come by (at low prices) than typical skinny jeans. You can go to Hot Topic and buy tiger-striped jeans at $40, or you can go to Target and buy basic skinny jeans, which work just as well. Hayley would approve!

3. The Joker

Easily the most copied costume of this Halloween, and at the same time still easy to copy. Going back to what I said about Spencer Pratt above, reasonably priced button up shirts are not hard to find. Especially purple ones. Swing by Wal-Mart and pick one up for probably $14. It probably costs a lot less than Heath Ledger's did. While you're there, see if you can find pinstripe pants. They are your friend. If you can't find purple ones, you might be able to get by with basic black. A green vest and tie might be a little challenging, but maybe if you sift through your dad's closet, you might get lucky. Same with his purple blazer. What will be the easiest thing for you is his signature makeup. Stage makeup unavailable to you? See if you can find a sort of exfoliating mask, the kind spas use that turn your face white for a while (I think they peel off?). Not only does it crack after a while (very Joker-like), but it's good for your skin! The cheapest makeup you will ever find (though still decent quality) is New York Color. You can pick up cheap eyeshadow and lipstick at your local drugstores (Walgreens/CVS/etc). Eyeliner pencils for only $1! Don't put it on neatly though. Smear it. Smear it all over. Mess your hair up well and spray it with green hair color spray. Aquanet is optional, use only if desired.

4. Gabe Saporta of Cobra Starship

Gabe is a T-shirt and jeans (and hoodie and hat) kinda guy, so don't expect to pay too much to make something like this. A must for Gabe is of course his hoodie. He seems to love purple hoodies, so go find yourself a good purple hoodie. American Apparel sells hoodies similar to Gabe's for about $40, but if you look around you might be in luck. Bands like Hawthorne Heights, Boys Like Girls, and, yes, Cobra Starship, have been cashing in on the purple hoodie trend lately. While BLG's and HH's are harder to come by (sold at shows only), you can get an actual purple Cobra "G.A.B.E." hoodie from the Fueled By Ramen webstore for slightly less than American Apparel (the Cobra hoodies are $35, a little more reasonable). Hats are recommended, and he tends to alternate between hip-hop style baseball caps and classy fedoras. I'm sure your dad might have a baseball cap lying around somewhere. Underneath that jacket it's recommended that you wear a fitted T-shirt with a witty saying on it, in true Gabe style (but nothing including the words: "penguin", "clowns", "ducks", or most of anything you can find at Hot Topic...remember: WWGS. What Would Gabe Say?). Jeans are preferably skinny, and can be found at reasonable prices at stores like Target (for guys and girls, I'm sure). Hipster shades optional, but recommended. And don't forget your Justin Timberlake necklace. :)

5. Scene Queen

It's possible to be a scene queen without having to go with permanent hair color or bleach. Remember, color hair spray is your friend. If you want to rock the pink hair like Audrey, or Raquel's cool blue, a color spray is at your disposal somewhere (for this I recommend Beyond the Zone Color Bombz, which come for less than $5 a can at Sally Beauty Supply stores. They come in a wide array of colors and shades. Just be careful spraying this stuff, it gets everywhere). If desired, you may tease your hair in the classic scene style, with the bangs-over-the-eye style, or switch it up with blunt bangs. You may leave your hair natural a la Hanna Beth, as well. Scene queens are always over-the-top, so start off with a bold tank top or T-shirt. Prints work, especially polka dots, stripes, lightning bolts, and the like. Jewelry is definitely a must. Simple chains with big charms work (stores like JCPenney and Claire's normally have a wide selection of inexpensive scene-friendly jewelry), but strings of pearls are almost a requirement. If you're cheap like me, find a costume supply store and get a cheap plastic pearl necklace. I got one at Target for $2 and wore it to homecoming that year! For the bottom garment, you can choose to go the skinny jeans route, or you can switch it up with leggings and miniskirts. Flats are good, but you can wear heels if you want. Recommended (and this goes for anything you're wearing) colors are anything neon, black, gold, silver, or animal print (especially leopard or zebra). Also optional (but still recommended) is a tiara. Tiaras are pretty easy to come by, and you can pick one up in the toy aisle of your local store (Target, Wal-Mart, Toys R Us even). Be as bold as possible--without spending too much. It is possible! I promise you!

Katy Perry Have you ever kissed a girl? Doesn't matter. You can still be the luscious Katy Perry for Halloween this year. The keyword here is vintage. Drop by some good thrift stores and see what you can find. You might get lucky! I once found a really cute Old Navy shirt at a thrift store, unfortunately it was too big for me...but I digress. Katy's hair can be achieved by use of a wig (a pinup girl-style wig will work) or, again, spray dye, and pinning it up Katy style. If you want you can get a cat as an accessory a la her infamous video for "I Kissed a Girl". But preferably use a toy cat...you know, for reasons. Let me know what you want me to put here--I'm sure I have a way!

xoxo Alex