death Blog and Journals

Lullabies
Part Ten

She paused, her hand on the door handle.  I looked over at her, my eyes still slightly watery.  She smiled at me, and swiftly leaned over and met her lips with mine.  Soft and lingering, she leaned into me and wrapped her arms around my neck.  I was frozen in shock.  When she released me, she smiled swiftly once more and left.  I watched her as she unlocked her door and went inside.  I saw lights flick on.  I could feel myself falling back into the hole.
I pressed on the gas pedal again, still surprised, the hole getting bigger.
This was a mistake.  I wasn't ready for this.  I may be ready to talk about Haley, but I wasn't ready for this kind of relationship, I wasn't ready to get this close with someone yet.  What if she left me too? It would be like losing Haley all over again, and I don't think I would be able to survive this time. 
My vision swan before my eyes and Haley's face came into my view. Again with the hallucinations. 

Her face spoke to me, Alex please stop! You're going to get hurt!

I'm already hurt.

You'll only make it worse! She begged

I don't care.

Remember what Ivy said?  Acceptance, Alex, acceptance!

I can't.  I've tried. I can't. 

There were bright white lights coming from behind her head now, getting brighter and brighter.  She was going to leave.

No, no please don't leave me again! I begged, I need you. 

You'll be with me soon enough. She promised.

I suddenly heard the screeching crash of metal on metal, and then everything went dark. 

        I opened my eyes into a blinding sunlight in a flawless blue sky.  It took me a moment to focus, my senses were so overloaded.  I realized I was standing up and looked around me.  The grass was a perfect green, the sun bright on the horizon.  A light wind blew, making the grass look like a huge green ocean; it rippled around my bare feet, the air smelled of wildflowers and saltwater.  I looked down at myself, I was wearing all white.  I turned to face the wind, and felt my heart stutter in my chest. 

It was Haley, my Haley.  Not Anna. Not a hallucination.  Not a dream. 

I took a step back, trying to remember how to breathe.  She was infinitely more beautiful now than I had ever seen her alive.  Her skin flawless and pale as ever, emitting a faint white glow, her body lit from behind from the sun, her eyes seemed to be green spotlights staring right into mine, wearing a knee-length dress that matched the flawless blue of the sky. 

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye -
it could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.
Alone and far from home we'll find you.

"Alex," she breathed, her voice as light and happy as the wind that blew my hair in my face, she ran into my arms. 
I held her against my chest tightly, surprised to find myself serene. 
At this point, I was sure I was dreaming.  This couldn't be real, there was nothing so perfect.  I waited to wake up screaming again. 
I kissed her over and over again, savoring the taste of her lips that I remembered so well. 

The screaming never came.  And I was grateful for it. 
She finally took a step back, but kept a firm hold on my hands, she examined me critically.

 Dead - Like a candle you burned out;
spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.
Scream - To be heard, like you needed any more attention;
throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.

"You look so sad, love," she said, her voice a perfect bell chime.  I shrugged.

"I'm sorry.  For what I did.  For leaving you.  You can't even begin to imagine how awful I feel.  If I had any idea what it would do to you..." she trailed off. 

I looked down at her flawless face.  Even now, after everything she had gone though, her perpetual happiness shone out of every oracle.  The faint white glow fell onto me and made me serene as well. 

Sing me to sleep; I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

"I never stopped loving you," I admitted. 
"I know."
There was silence as we stared at each other; I traced her face with my forefinger gently.  
"Where are we?" I finally asked.
"I don't know."
"Why am I here?" I asked. 
"You know why," she said simply. 
"Am I...dead?" I choked out.
She nodded sadly. 

Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around,
it's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you, but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?