breakups Blog and Journals

Heartbreak is such a painful thing. I wish there was a button to turn off your feelings. I hate when you fall in love with the wrong person. I'm not saying that falling in love is bad cuz you can fall in love with someone and manage to stay close friends. But when its someone that you really fell hard for its a lot harder to deal with. You feel like you can't breath, think, or even put your feelings into words. Thats what I use to do, I use to write so many songs about anything I was feeling, but now I can hardly put a verse together. I have so many thoughts and feelings going on that I don't really know which words are right to use to help really explain how I feel. Now I didn't just get broken up with or anything like that, I just have these constant thoughts about certain things and I feel the need to express them, since I'm sure you all can relate to what I'm saying. I dont understand a lot about love, except that when you love someone no one else in the world could ever compare to the person you want to be with. I also dont understand how some people can just get over a person so quickly, when they have claimed to have loved them for a long time. So what if there's problems, learn to work through them! Because we're young, we really dont understand that concept of love, like "real love" not I've met you for like 10 mins and I'm in love kind of love, but love that is real, pure, hectic, exciting, unsure, but all at the same time no matter what you'll always be there for that person. I think thats a lot of the reason why people get divorce so much in this country, nobody really thinks about love. They say that they just feel out of love, they were drifting away or whatever. We hate problems so when they come up we like to take the easy route and just don't deal with it until things get so bad you two pretty much want to choke the person whenever you see them.

I've watched my family have different girlfriends, boyfriends and also the ones that have been married. Now I have an uncle who he has 3 kids with my cousins mom and they've had their ups and downs, he even went off and married someone that we all hated, luckily they got divorced, but yet my uncle has always found himself back to my cousins mom. I can tell they love each other and I know they've been through a lot but they are still together and thats what I love. There's that saying that if you love someone set them free and if they come back it was meant to be. Now I half and half believe in that, I believe that if you are meant to be with someone, you'll be with them no matter how long or what happens that is the person for you. But then there's that half thats doubt, that whenever you go through a break up you never know if its really the end. I know I'm young, but I feel like I've experienced a lot through my 20 years of being alive. I've only had 3 serious boyfriends and I've dated. I find that dating is just a waste of time, I'm not the kind of person that just dates, I tend to stay a long time in a relationship, which is probably why I've only had 3 serious ones. But there's only one that I feel hurt the most and that was my last boyfriend. We broke up last April, but basically stayed together without the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Then last October, shit happened and now I'm still having a hard time dealing with things in my life now. Granted there's a lot of good in my life, I'm closer to my family, I know exactly who my good friends are, I am trying to pursue the things that I love, but through everything I feel like a part of me is missing. I dont know whats missing, I just feel this emptiness that no matter how great everything is there's still that little part of me that just doesn't feel right. You know what I mean?

Which brings me back to now, whenever its late I start to really think cuz during the day I'm busy so I dont have time to actually stop and think, but when its this time I can't stop and thats when everything starts to bug me. I hate having this empty feeling, I have so much good in my life, that I feel like there's no reason for me to feel this way. I feel like I should be past everything thats happened in my past and be done. But I'm not, no matter how much I try. I've been doing things to better myself and I am proud of myself. I use to be in a really tough and dark place but I managed to get out of it, even though I never thought it was possible. I'm def. a more positive, stronger, caring, understanding person now, but its that one little feeling that holds me back. Like I feel if I take a step forward, I go two steps back. Ehh life and love two of the most confusing things in my life.

So if you read this whole thing thanks :) Message or comment me if you have something to get off your chest, I'm a good listener and I like to help :)

Leave me some of your thoughts <3

xoxo

Pinky