breakups Blog and Journals

Well, i got what i wanted. I was finally with the one person i loved the most on this entire earth... for two months. Out of almost four years of knowing eachother he could only stand to be with me for two months. But ofcourse, i was ALWAYS the "other woman" in his past relationships. He said he had changed and really loved me for who i was and realized i was the only one who cared about him as much as i did and i believed it and we were happy. Well, now... we're not. i'm stuck here alone and he's up in NC right now for a few months. I found out the day he got up there that he was missing his ex girlfriend and has been for a while and even though she wants nothing to do with him, in his mind he deeply believes that she'll soon leave her current boyfriend to be with him again, which im highly doubting. And so, now he's feeling exactly the same way i've felt for him. For all those years he never wanted to believe the way i felt and told me that i was overreacting and that i just needed to get over everything, that's what he gets... now he understands. He still wants to be friends and he's really trying harder this time around compared to years ago yet things still end up going sour because apparently i've learned when it comes to him and when he's in my life i get ASAD[google it] badly whenever i feel like or know he's leaving/left. It's a pretty shitty situation to be in, because i don't want to feel this way and do the things i do, but i don't ever want to lose even his friendship. But lately i'm starting to feel like if he doesn't think he could ever be with me again, that i'm gona tell him i can't be his friend anymore and be hurting all the time just like i was when i was sixteen year old. I'm an adult now, and i won't be pushed back in someones life to be replaced by a new girl ever year. HE KNOWS i know him best and i know his dark secrets and i've seen him at his complete worst... since he lived with me and all. And every time he has a new girl i get pushed back and he totally is oblivious to the fact that im even alive sometimes UNTIL he thinks it goes sour and then suddenly misses me and i just can't handle being torn and played around with anymore. I really wish he would have tried harder in our relationship, because i know if he had and he wanted to make sure things would work out we would be good with eachother forever. I know it....i just wish he would too.