brandon Blog and Journals

Chapter 12: So Long and Goodnight

It was raining the day of Brandon's funeral. Of corse it was, this was a day where you think nothing more could be sadder. But, somehow Mother Nature had to turn on the sprinklers and the clouds have decided to get drunk and  have a bar fight. This is perfect. I wore a Taylor Swift styled black dress. It looked like her dress that was in the December/January issue of Cosmo Girl. It was weird, I didn't care that was exposing the world to my scars. Brandon would've never let me do that but he also always told me that I needed to feel okay with myself and my body. So, here I am Brandon, standing with my arms and legs bare, showing you that I am empty and that I don't give a fuck about what everyone is seeing of me right now. Eat your heart out world, Alyssa Kelly Montgomery doesn't give a shit about her shitty body. 

Alex and the rest of the band came with me to this place, this dark hole of nothingness and love. Alex had his arm around me the whole time, he dried my tears instead of my parents. I always thought my parents didn't like Brandon and I didn't think that they cared about me. What does it tell me that they let me cry on Alex's shoulder instead of theirs? Does Alex care more than they do? I mean, this kid didn't even know Brandon and he cares enough to let me stain his jacket with tears and come to the funeral for that matter. Mom and dad only came to the open casket. Speaking of, I'd like to tell you about what Brandon looks like. I've always known him as the long brown haired kid, his hair was always styled like Martin Johnson's, even before Martin Johnson styled his hair like Martin Johnson. His eyes were green with tints of brown in them, just gorgeous. His body wasn't anything, we always joked about his "one-pack" but still, he was thin and slender. Sometimes it scared me that I was going to accidently break him. Half of the time, he wore black rimmed glasses. He dressed like any scene/emo kid, he pulled it off. Now, I looked at him, laying in the casket. Dents all over his head filled in with make-up, stains of what were probably blood that didn't come off his chin. His eyes were shut but if they were open, they'd probably speak of what happened. Of what a drunken jackass the other driver was. I'd love to know what happened, it'd make me sick but I could still know what killed my best friend. They had smoothed back the blood clots in his hands so that you couldn't tell what was there before. But, people kept rubbing his and so much that he was bruising. This bones were broken, frail and cracking through his clothes. It was sickening. Now, he was wearing a faded and cracked blue and white Thrice shirt, over it was a brown leather coat. He had on skinny jeans and his Kurt Cobain/Converse hi-tops. 

So, the pastor read from the bible and then the choir sang. His brother, Joe, got up and said a few words and so did his girl-friend, Krystal. Then, I was asked to get up and say something about him. So, I choked back a few more tears and checked my make-up in a mini-mirror. "Be strong, chick, be strong!" Alex smiled at me, cheering me on. Then I walked up to the podium and stared down at the bible that was open in-front of me. I knew that it wasn't supposed to be read off at this ceremony because the pastor had already read from that same chapter. I didn't know whether or not to read it out loud or just keep it to myself. But, I decided Brandon was smiling down on me enough right now to read it and share my story rather quickly. I looked out at everyone; their red eyes and cheeks lighting up the church. 

"Brandon was my best friend since I was seven," I told everyone. I looked out and saw his mom, trying to be strong for me. She tried to put on a smiling face but it didn't necessarily shine through strongly enough. "I don't know what I would've done without him in my life," I looked ahead and saw a picture of him and I when we were at the lake when we were 11 or so, we were so cute. "I mean, in my situation, I'd probably be dead without this boy trying to help me and keep me alive." I bit my tongue. Maybe this is why Brandon had to go, so I could tell my story the way he wanted me to. "See, I blame myself for a lot of things and that put me into the position of becoming a cutter. I truly wish that I would've listened to Bran and wouldn't had cut, I mean, he tried to get me to stop so many times. I got him to do everything and vise-versa, only, I wanted to cut so much that I had to love it more and want it more than I loved and wanted Brandon," I started to cry. "That's not fair." I told them. "It's not, I wish I could be looking at him right now and telling him sorry. I'd be on my knee's begging for the forgiveness that he'd instantly give me because that's the kind of person that he was. A forgiving one. One that'd forgive you if you just killed his dog." I felt warm tears stream down my face more and more. "When I came up here, I saw this bible and quincidentaly it was on the Psalm that Brandon had read to me when I was recovering from cutting even though I barely believed in all the nonsense of "God" and I would like to read it to you if that's okay." I looked to the pastor for acceptance and he nodded his head 'yes' at me. "Psalm 6: 'O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me with your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint. O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed,; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.' " I stopped and smiled with watery eyes. "Thank you for listening to me," I told the people in the pews. Then I looked up to the sky and said  "Lord, thank you for letting me borrow Brandon in my time of need." And I walked down from the podium. Alex was right there with open arms for me to cry in. 

So here, for you, is the perfect (depressing) funeral mix for you little friend who you didn't know would be out of your life so rapidly. The time was momentary and you don't know what to do. R.I.P. Brandon, you're severely missed.

1. "Helena" by My Chemical Romance

2. "Corps of Corpses" by Hawthrone Heights

3. "Wait Until I'm Gone" by The Honorary Title

4. "The Last Fight" by Velvet Revolver

5. "Hopeless" by This Providence 

6. "Home" by Three Days Grace

7. "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx:AM

8. "Baby You're My Light" by Richard Hawley

9. "Sad Song" by Oasis**

10. "Broken" by Lifehouse

11. "Memphis" by Jessica Harp

12. "Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby)" by Jack's Mannequin

13. "Something To Believe In" by Poisson

14. "The Flame (LIve)" by Cheap Trick

15. "Last Words" by The Real Tuesday Weld