Buzznet Movie Review: Beowulf

I think by now it’s incredibly obvious what a giant nerd I am. The Star Wars tattoos, the many freakouts I had at Comic-Con, my obsession with The X Files. Oh, and there’s that fanaticism with really bad power metal. And Iron Maiden. Oh. And how I own more books and vinyl records than anything else I’ve ever owned.

Well, I’m ok with that. And guess what? This nerd totally enjoyed reading Beowulf back in high school. (I know. Blasphemy. Someone actually enjoyed assigned reading?) The heroic story of a man who fights three epic battles against mythical creatures was right up my geek alley. Frankly, I love that kind of story: slightly historical, drenched in epic structure and imagery, and battle scenes of sword-wielding heroes and horrific monsters.

I hadn’t seen a film adaptation of the long form poem up until I saw Robert Zemeckis’ take on it. To be honest, I didn’t really have any expectations for it, bad or good. I mean, the source material is complicated and written in a language no one speaks anymore. In that sense, I didn’t expect it to be a straight-rendering of the story.


But when I wasn’t being blown away by the visual mastery of this film, I was scratching my head at the story. Which left me right back where I started: I don’t feel anything for this film. (I can’t even tell if it’s a good or bad thing that I felt neutral about a film before seeing it and then feeling exactly the same after seeing it.)

Let me digress and state what totally works about this film: The visuals. Where Polar Express was kind of boring and soulless in its presentation, Beowulf improves in leaps what Zemeckis first experimented with in that film. Of course, there are times when the film does appear to be illustrated. You can see the digital imaging and see the effect it has on the film. But holy mother of god, there are some mind-blowing scenes that could only work with the technology present in this film.

When Beowulf firsts arrives on screen, there’s a rather flattering scene where the camera rushes just above the ground, in between horses’ legs, sweeping up to show a snow-covered landscape, desolate and empty. And it’s so frighteningly realistic that I forgot I’m watching a digitized movie.

This continues to be the case with a large bulk of the scenes. Any of the close-ups on Anthony Hopkins’ face (as King Hrothgar) are meticulous, calculated, and capture all the subtle nuances of his acting.


It doesn’t work all the time, though I imagine that it’s just a result of a constantly evolving technology. While there are plenty of scenes created just for the use of 3-D glasses (spear pointed at the screen, coins thrown at camera, blood dripping down), I found some of the characters (mostly Beowulf) to look completely fake.  Dudes, I know what Ray Winstone looks like. And even though I’ve never seen him nude, I know he doesn’t look like that.

Which now brings me to my main criticism of the movie: the story. Nearly all of the original elements and structure is there. I don’t have a problem with that. And the writers don’t so much change Beowulf as add to it and fill in the blanks. That’s what weirds me out. (Neil Gaiman did say that this was going to be a strange adaptation of Beowulf, so I suppose I should have believed.)

The movie has three distinct parts: Beowulf fights Grendel. (Crispin Glover) Beowulf fights Grendel’s mom. (Angelina Jolie) Beowulf fights the dragon. (Himself) Just like the original poem. And the battles are pretty literate to what’s described. They’re fun, dramatic, ridiculous, and violent. (Pretty much exactly what I want from Beowulf.)

But what’s so distracting is the movie’s constant attempt to portray Beowulf as anything but a badass hero. That’s the whole point of the poem! It’s all about how Beowulf sweeps into town, kills a bunch of gnarly beasts, and dies heroically saving the town from a dragon.

Instead, we’re treated to a fractured, conflicted human who makes mistakes and nearly condemns his entire kingdom to destruction because he couldn’t resist having sex with Angelina Jolie. HE’S BEOWULF. NO PRETTY LADY WOULD CAUSE HIM TO FORGET A BATTLE.

The other additions to the story include giving Grendel a motivation for attacking Heorot: an earache. That’s right. You read that correctly. Grendel, who is horrific to the eyes and is played wonderfully by Crispin Glover, tries to destroy an entire city because he has an earache. An earache. I wish I was lying.

The film is rated PG-13 and I’m mystified as to how that got approved. I’m no prude, but this is a violent film. Lots of blood. Beheadings, arms ripped off, people smashed into the ground, and a completely nude Angelina Jolie. (Guys, just because I can’t see her nipples or her pubic hair doesn’t mean I think she’s not naked.) And there’s one particularly gross joke about semen that I don’t think any 13 year old will get. I have no idea how that was allowed in the film.

But in the end, I guess those are just small details. The world Zemeckis has created is stunning, large, and just as epic as the original poem. I can appreciate that.

If I had to give any sort of recommendation, I’d say go see it. In 3-D, if you can. Zemeckis and the cast did pull off the story, even with the bizarre additions. There’s really no movie that’s ever been made that encompasses such a large visual scope and gives the viewer such an experience.