addictions Blog and Journals

No, its not drugs, I'm talking about music, a band, one in particular....ESCAPE THE FATE!!! there fucking awesome!!! the song ashley is in my head when I go to sleep and something is on my mind when I wake up.

Yes it does sound strange, but try meeting me in person. Things just get a whole lot weirder.

I tried watching the rugby at the pub today, but I had one drink and then I was sick of it. Basically rugby sucks unless your actually at the game. The whole atmosphere is amazing.

Instead of doing that, I went to the net cafe for an hour, updated quizilla, all that. Its kinda weird now a bit. I don't have myspace, facebook or bebo to update. I deleted them all. And I'm glad I did. Its just weird that I have nothing to sign in to anymore.

Oh yes, and my sister is sick, so I have to be nicer to her. She's getting married in six weeks!!! I have to wear a pink dress....argh...

have fun kiddies

Original Poem- (C) Jen/ uncalled4

 

 

I love you

You know I do

You love your addictions

You’ve told me so

And I try to be as solid

As the wall you’re leaning up against

Taking another hit off your cigarette

Why can’t I be your feel good drag to you?

I wouldn’t steal your money

Like your Marlboro Reds do

Nagging at the back of your mind every corner store to buy more, more, more

You know all too well

Why can’t you just see?

Your addictions are killing you slowly but the one closer to death is me

Frozen Tart Yogurt

The Friday Night Boys Song: Better Than You

Girl Scout Thin Mints

Starbucks Java Chip

 

I could use a lot of these this week :]

--Eye liner
--Guys in eye liner
--Tokio Hotel
--Music
--Dancing
--Friends
--Spontaneous roadtrips
--Parties
--After parties
--Clubs w/my grrlies
--Poprocks
--Dancing in the rain
--Looking at clouds
--Late night movies
--Spontaneous adventures
--The Sun
--Eye liner :]

OMFG!!!!!!!

So if I mention the names of the meds that I take for my BPD then the computer assumes I am spamming it...??????????

Anyways, I am out of my meds and I have to go to the hospital to get refills because I am broke and can't afford to see my doctor.  I don't want to have seizures and die, either...... 

So anyways..... 

I do not like that this site thinks I am spamming it... I wrote about my mother's death, my mental issues, etc... and it totally would not let me post it......

I took a lot of valuable time out of my life to write that blog....... 

Oh well, life goes on.

Post this time, plz?

xoxo//Raven~

So what if I live in England? Who cares that we don't get all that much sun? That doesn't mean I can't have a wicked addiction to sunglasses! And I do, oh baby how I do! I bought another 2 pairs today. Luckily they're only cheap ones from Primark, £2 a pair (that's about $4 to my american buddies, not bad huh?). I am quite partial to a nice pair of Wayfarers, or as me and my pal call them - Geek glasses. you know the ones I mean. I guess they're kinda scene at the moment, but who cares? They're damn cool! And they're all over the catwalk. When they go out of fashion I won't actually care, seeing as I don't follow trends at all. I actually want a pair in every colour. So far I've got 3; red, white and tortoise shell. I've spied a pink pair in New Look, and a yellow pair on ebay. Well its only right that I have a pair for every outfit lol!

I think I'd give my left butt cheek for a pair of ray bans...

I've also seen some heartshape glasses that I must own. Those are a hefty £15 though... k not hefty, but I'm broke. Hmf I found them in pink with sparkles in the plastic too... I may have to cave in.

So what items are you currently stocking up on?

kin-keh
xoxo

This year rehab was the place to go. The new celebrity trend was to admit their addictions, or not. Some just went to rehab, or tried to say no no no. Some just didn't have the time.

But my addictions aren't life threatening, at least I don't think so. And there is no rehabilitation centers for these, even though sometimes, I really wish there was.

Diet Coke

Not regular Coke, and never, EVER Diet Pepsi. That's just nasty. I ony drink Diet Coke, and I drink a lot of it. Mmm, it's the nectar of the gods. I know I probably shouldn't drink a lot of this, because it's supposed to have really bad chemicals in it from the sweetener or something. But, I can't stop. It's so yummy. Haha. And it's not like I've actually TRIED to stop, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even be able to if I wanted to... Which I don't.

Myspace

God, I hate this stupidksdklgjdsklg website. Now this I HAVE tried to quit. I've deleted my profile, stopped for a few days (the most was a full week), but I always make a new one. And sometimes, I go through weird hating Myspace stages, well, an extreme version since I hate it all the time. And I'll delete hundreds of my friends, so I only have like, 100. But, I still go on and get so bored, and think I can find things to make me unbored there, but I never do. But I keep looking, and god, it's a depressing, annoying cycle. If you don't have one, which is now sort of considered weird, DON"T START.

Burt's Bees Lip Balm

I put this one like every five minutes. It's minty, and makes my lips feel cold, but it feels good. I know that sounds weird, but if you've ever tried this stuff, you probably know what I mean. I go through so many because it's just that good.

Chocolate Covered Pretzels

!!! If you put a bag in front of me, I won't let you have any and I will eat the all of them. In about five minutes. It's a bad, bad addiction. But at least it's a delicious one. :)

Andddddd drum roll!
My favorite addiciton...
BUZZNET!
Of course, right?
But really, as much as I get frustrated with it sometimes, there are so many things I love about it. It sounds like I'm talking about a pet dog. But oh well,
We love Buzznet, right?
:)



What are your harmless (but maybe not) addictions?

one week ago i had $600 in my band account..... a Big Black Security "Do Work" t-shirt, a Metal Mullisha hoodie, a Rob Dyrdek skateboard, grip tape, a set of Speed Metal Bam Margera Wrecking Ball bearings, a fake wedding ring, Starbucks coffee traded for a poster, pair of brown DC Rob Dyrdek sneakers, Sushi dinner for 3, duck salad, scan tron & pencils, trapper hat, dinner at Pink Taco, and x-mas presents for my mom (flip flops, warm sockish boots, a mc lovin shirt, and a wino cd), later... and i'm broke..probably over drawn.... do i have some kind of spending problem or what.... i pretty much define shopaholic...though the average shopaholic isn't buying skateboard merchantdise for the most part.

 and to think i was going to try and lease a car... though i figured out the car i want would have been nine hundred a month.

what really sucks, is no Red Bull until next month probably.. because if i want Red Bull i have to pay for it myself.

[[[Notes]]]: Blah. So I've been thinking a lot about addictions, and demons, luckly I don't think I've been adicted to anything except buzznet.But anyway. I wrote this. Not sure who's point of view its from. But I just wanted to write it. Gerard's maybe? The thing is he gave up drinking without seeing a shrink, and the ages would be wrong. I don't know. It might be able to work for anyone who's ever had an addiction. [731 words]

My psychiatrist says that there are five stages to addiction and recovery. The first one is Delight and Discovery. You find what you’re addicted to, it excites you, it completes you, it makes you invincible, or at least you think. I was twelve. It was at one of my cousins weddings; the servers seemed to forget that they weren’t allowed to hand out drinks to minors. The concoction they handed me was sickly sweet, it made me feel light headed, helped me forget about everything else, made me forget. I had three more drinks that night.

The second step is Protecting and Promoting. You find your love for the thing you’re addicted to. It takes over your life. You’ve found this great truth, you want to share it with as many people as possible. You’re the only one that knows the beauty behind it. I told my best friend. He and I stole some Vodka from his mothers stash. He didn’t feel the same way, he didn’t get how it was an escape, it was the thing that made everything okay. He didn’t see. It was only me after that.

Step three is Defense and Denial. This is the turning point. The addict can’t receive the same high that they originally got. The reach road blocks, their family finds out, they don’t have enough money to continue it. I got two out of the three, but it only happened after a few years. My mom was never there, and my brother didn’t have a clue. The drinking, however, wasn’t giving me my safe place anymore. It just become a habit. Something that I would just do. I would have to drink so much to get the original feeling, which is where the second problem came into play. Getting it was hard. I needed more, and it just wasn’t possible. I became angry and bitter, and the only thing that seemed to help is when I got a bottle and drank until I passed out.

Fourth step, Resentment and Relapse. You’re frustrated. You quit. You crave it even more. You fall back into the pattern. The shitty thing is how well it works when you’re clean. Repeat. I started to hate it. To hate myself for drinking. I became suicidal. I quit. Then I drank. Then I quit. Then I drank. The came the suicide note. I almost did it. I took the pills. I guess in a way the alcohol saved me a bit that day. Because I threw them up involuntarily about ten minutes later. It became a sick cycle. I was dead emotionally. And about to be dead physically.

Growth and Gratitude. Most addicts don’t make it to this stage. But if you do you move on. You try to live a normal life. It might be a life changing experience or something as simple as a change of thought, but something trigger it. And breaks the cycle. But the thing is addictions never leave you, even if you leave them. They follow you, always at the back of your mind. You have to stay one step ahead of them. I almost didn’t make it to this stage. I almost gave up. I almost faded away. But I did it. I didn’t get a near death experience, or an epiphany. I just looked at myself in the mirror. Eyes blood shot, vomit on my hair, dark circles under my eyes. I told myself. I couldn’t do this anymore. I had lost myself. I was gone, and I had been replaced by a monster. That’s what did it. That’s what made me quit. I gave it up. Admitted it to mom, my brother, everyone. They helped. It took so much out of me. But I did it. No more alcohol. No more drinks. No more.

I’m myself now. I do see a shrink, but only because I know I need to. I’m twenty-one now. It’s actually quite funny that all this happened before I was legally able to drink. But it makes things harder now, its so easy to slip. But I can’t. I won’t. I lost so much of my life to drinking, and I’m not ready to give up anymore of it. I’m well adjusted now, or at least I’d like to think so. But I’m the real me, and that’s all I can ask for right now.