Confessions of a Synyster Mind: Part 4 of the A7X Series

 

Synyster Gates’ POV

 

 

 

  Love sucks.  Love sucks so fucking much, I’m serious, it does.  I loved Matt first.  He ended it with me when I started to become very attracted to Johnny.  After I first rejected little Johnny, back in high school, he went and got this smokin’ hot girlfriend, Cassy.  God, I hated that bitch.  Every time I saw her and Johnny together, I wanted to kill her and rape him.  Matt was furious when he found Johnny and I toe to toe in a fight over her one night.  I wasn’t the slightest bit afraid of either Johnny or Matt, but rather was hurt by Johnny’s attitude when I told him that she had asked me to fuck her.  I called her a whore to his face and he laid me out for it.

 

  That was the first time that Matt fought to defend me, and I loved it.  But, I hated that it caused Johnny to take off and ignore me for a long while.  He dumped her, got arrested for kicking the ass of the guy she was cheating on him with, and called my dad since his mom was busy.  I rode along and got to sit next to him in the back of the car, where I talked at him for the entire ride back to my house.  I say that I talked ‘at’ him, because not only was he not talking to me, he was ignoring everything I said.  That ended up hurting my feelings, a lot. 

 

  Once we were in the house, in my messy bedroom, I sat next to him on my bed and tried to comfort him.  I tried to assure him that we would find some way to have fun, and he broke my fucking heart.  He told me we weren’t friends and never have been, and that he loved me…a lot.  I tried to let him down easy, since even though at the time I was madly in love with him, I was still Matt’s boyfriend, and a big part of me still loved the big lug.  He ran off and if Matt hadn’t shown up on my doorstep at just that moment, not only would I have caught Johnny before he escaped, but I most likely would have ravished him.

 

  All summer long, he ignored us.  Not just me, but all of the guys, too.  He even went and got a new girlfriend that he paraded all over town and rubbed it in my face that he was happy without me in his life.  We kicked Justin out of the band after he claimed that Jimmy and Zacky had been having an orgy in Jimmy’s car one night, yet there was no proof and they had no damned clue what he was talking about.  After summer was over, Jimmy and Zacky somehow managed to talk Johnny into being our new bassist, and he was perfect.

 

  We taught him all our songs, created some new ones with him, then rocked out as a band of close friends.  That last part stung for quite a while, since he never was around any of us unless it was to practice or to perform somewhere.  Otherwise, he was with her.  Kailie was her name and Johnny loved her with every ounce of his being, which cut me deep every time I saw them together.  I tried to break them up one night, when I got him drunk, then had Zacky dare us to make out.  We made out, and it fucking rocked!  The next morning, Jimmy screamed so loud and panicked that all but Johnny woke up from it.  When we ran to find him, we saw why.

 

  Johnny’s girlfriend had killed herself.  When we woke him up, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling.  I tried to keep him from seeing, but he pushed past me.  When he saw her like that, he broke.  He had scooped her up in his arms and started rocking her to and fro while screaming so loud, it was if he was trying to reach her on the other side. 

 

  After that, Johnny changed again.  Not for the better, either.  He started ignoring everyone, especially me.  He became very closed off and hated every sign of affection from any of us guys, but once again, especially me.  That was when I started to get pissed off.  Why was only I getting hated on so much?  He obviously blamed me for it; I know that now.

 

  I caught him crying all the time.  I would watch him constantly for any sign that he was suicidal.  Matt knew what I was up to; he was really worried about him as well.  Of course, I found a way to make Johnny hate me even worse.  I showed him my love one night after a particularly amazing show and he rejected me, and then broke down into uncontrolled sobs.  Matt had found me on the floor with my arms wrapped around the small and sobbing man on my lap and had joined in on comforting him.

 

  A week later, all hell broke loose.  I tried to seduce Johnny and was kissing him when Matt walked in on us.  Matt was furious.  I was afraid for Johnny and afraid for my already overly abused ass.  Matt had gotten to the point that for every time he caught me loving on Johnny, he fucked me without lube.  Lately, it had been happening more and more frequently, which even caused me to fuck up during shows sometimes.

 

  Matt started screaming and breaking things.  When I whispered sweet nothings to calm him down, it didn’t work for the first time ever.  Finally, I had no recourse.  I blamed it on Johnny.  I knew Matt wouldn’t hurt him, or so I thought.  I was wrong.  Matt screamed some of the most awful things to Johnny before then punching the poor guy in the balls…hard. 

 

  The way Johnny looked at me that night still kills me when I think about it, it was so cold and hate filled.  That night marked the beginning of my downward spiral.

 

  I started acting up to get Johnny’s attention, since he had become dead set on ignoring me at all times unless on stage or in an interview or something like that.  It only seemed to make him hate me even more.  Val came on tour and I noticed a distinct change in Matt’s behavior.  He became more aware of his looks and behavior when she was around.  I finally figured it out when I caught them fucking on the floor in the back of the bus, they had been so eager that they hadn’t even made it to the bunks themselves.

 

   I ended it with Matt and started trying to regain Johnny’s love and attention.  All that got me was more heartbreak as he openly insulted me and then laughed when I had started to cry.  Zacky had held me and rocked me to sleep like I was a baby.  Hell, even Matt got in on the ‘Syn and Johnny Love Brigade’ as Jimmy had anointed us.  Once again, Johnny insulted me so viciously, that I finally gave up.  I started bringing groupies around him, flaunting it in his face that I was over him and moving on.  It was a lie that caught up to me one night.

 

  I had picked up a biker and his girlfriend.  I took them back to the hotel room that I was sharing with Johnny.  I told Johnny that he would want to leave because I would be fucking the two all night.  Johnny fucking flipped out!  He punched the girl in the nose first before throwing her out of the room and into the hallway.  The guy charged at Johnny, who side stepped before bringing the bedside phone crashing down on the big guy’s skull over and over again as I stood there gawping at the sight in front of me, my mouth opening and closing, but there was no sound as I tried to process the pure violence that I was witness to.

 

  Matt had pulled the phone out of the raging and hard breathing Johnny’s hands before handing him over to Jimmy as he had pushed the guy out into the hall where two paramedics were waiting for him.  Johnny started retching before he had finally puked up any and everything he had recently eaten or drank in the past 24 hours all over the expensive plush carpet.  That was when Jimmy dropped the bomb, so to speak.  That was not the first time that Johnny had lost it like that.  Jimmy had actually witnessed the small man that I was in love with, kill another human being…a groupie whom had gone too far one night and insulted Johnny’s dead girlfriend.

 

  Matt, Zacky and myself all collapsed on the big red leather sofa that was in the room and against the wall opposite the bed.  As I was sitting there, Johnny came toward us while Jimmy explained the killing in a more graphic manner.  Johnny straddled my lap and pressed his cold forehead against my own warm one as he looked into my eyes.  I immediately wrapped my arms around him and brought him closer to my own body.  All signs of drunkenness gone now, I was thinking only of how to turn this situation into a possible start of a relationship with the small trembling bassist on my lap sometime soon.

 

  Jimmy had asked if Johnny intended to kill us since we knew about the hooker, whom Johnny had insisted was a groupie, but said that he wasn’t going to do anything to us.  Zacky had pointed out there wasn’t really much of a difference when you really think about it, which we all agreed made sense.  Then, Jimmy asked Johnny a very good question.

 

  “So?  Are you two gonna fuck after we leave or what?  Because if you are, I need to know, so I can put my earplugs in!” this had caused Zacky to giggle so much that he had tears in his green eyes after he had finally managed to calm himself down.

 

  Johnny said no, which really upset and confused me.  I asked why not.  I asked if he still hated me.  He informed me that not only did he not hate me, but was thinking of my safety as he was capable of hurting me during any kind of invading intercourse because of how angry he still was.  I had assured him that if he chose to hurt me during sex, I would still be all for it.  But, he refused.  I did get a hand job out of it, though.  I also got a new boyfriend, whom I quite honestly loved to the point of obsession.

 

  He and I were hot and heavy, but there was no real sex between us for a very long time, as I wanted to wait at first.  But, as time went on, it began to become painfully obvious that Johnny was not willing to give or take, either.  Even when I initiated it, it went nowhere further than a messy 69.  Since Matt was once my lover and still my best friend other than Zacky, I naturally complained to him about my lack of a sex life.  He then told Johnny about it very loudly one night after a particularly amazing show in Texas.

 

  That night I got bent over a nasty and ugly couch and butt fucked so hard, I could barely move the rest of the night afterward.  I never thought that it would be Johnny topping me.  That night changed my views on that forever.  He even gave me such filthy talk that I came multiple times for him.  I had never done that for anyone else other than Matt before Johnny. 

 

  The down side to all of that was Matt.  Matt was so hurt by watching Johnny take and gently dominate me the way he did when we were together, that he took off and stayed gone for almost two weeks.  It felt like forever to me, though.  I ended up treating poor Johnny like shit while Matt was gone because of all the guilt that I felt.  When Matt got back, I spent almost all of my spare time with him.  Not just to reassure him of my standing as his best friend, but we started screwing around with each other once again. 

 

  It became too much for me to handle finally.  I started doing more coke to help ease my sexual urges and would sometimes even lash out at Johnny.  The nights would pass with either me trying to love up on Johnny or trying to kill him for making me hurt my Matt in the first place.  I know it was never his fault, but at the time I blamed it all on him like it was.  Finally, it all came to a bloody and shattering halt one night when everything escalated and Matt and I took it too far.

 

  I raped my boyfriend.  I forced my hard and throbbing erection in my sobbing Johnny’s tight ass and took all of my rage, hatred and violent urges out on him…over and over again.  Even worse of a betrayal was that I let my ex-boyfriend/ secret lover take him repeatedly as well.  God, how Johnny screamed as we did that to him.

 

   It still haunts me to this very day. 

 

  Matt and I had made out right in front of his red and puffy eyes after Matt’s cock was pulled limp from Johnny’s bleeding ass.  After we had left, we got a call from the local hospital.  We had hurt Johnny so badly that he was in the hospital and was currently in surgery for the damage that we had caused to his rectum.

 

  I never moved as fast as I did then.  Both Matt and I rushed to the hospital where Val laid into us pretty badly.  Matt got a black eye and a split lip as she literally yanked his lip ring out and I got a broken nose and two black eyes as well as a broken wrist and two broken ribs courtesy of one Zacky fucking Vengeance.

 

   I had to sneak into Johnny’s room after his surgery since there was actually an armed guard at his door with the express permission to beat the hell out of Matt and me if we tried to get into the room that held my small and injured boyfriend.  Once I was finally passed the guard, Johnny fucking screamed loud and long with a high note wail mixed in it when he woke up to see me laying next to him and gently laying little kisses on his face and neck.  The door was kicked inward and the big guard grabbed me by my hair and actually sucker punched me in the gut, yet Johnny refused to tell him that it was okay for me to be in there.

 

  Instead, he cried as Val held and rocked him.  I was on pins and needles for the two weeks he was in the hospital and Matt and I were terrified of how this would affect not only the band, but our friendships and relationships as well.

 

  -Johnny broke up with me the day he was released from the hospital.  Just like that, we were over.  I destroyed my perfect relationship with a man who would have given me anything if I had but asked, instead of violating and humiliating him like I had done.

 

  He got together with a small brunette named Lacey and I got with Michelle.  We would try to outdo each other, but it would only lead to a hurt that pained me so deeply, some of the wounds felt as if they would never heal.  It came to a head after one spectacular drunken night between us.  Johnny and I had spent all night at my house fucking like wild animals.  When he gone home, I had felt an empty hole form in my soul.

 

  Later on the next day, I had gotten a phone call from Val telling me to get down to the hospital to pick Johnny up.  Lacey had gone postal on the poor guy and only Val showing up had saved him from a certain death at the crazy bitch’s hands.  When I got there, they led me back to the place he was in.  He was still being bandaged as his hands were really fucked up from trying to keep her from stabbing him with a huge hunk of glass from the table she had tackled him through and thus shattered.

 

  We got back together, this time with Matt’s complete support.  I also began to notice a slight attraction between Matt and Jimmy, more so on Jimmy’s part, though.  Even Val noticed, but unless Matt decided to do something about it, there was nothing she could say or do about it, so she stayed silent and loving.  Johnny and I were more in love than ever before when the shit between Jimmy and Matt finally erupted in a fuck-fest that was just beautiful to behold.  I even loaned my sweet lover to Matt, and watched in fascination as he took all of Jimmy’s cock in a hot deep throat that had my cum splashing all over my calloused hand.

 

  We became the walking undead known as vampires a year later.  Matt and I left the others for their own safety, but after four years away from Johnny, I could stand it no longer.  I went back to claim what was mine, only to learn he almost died by his own hand.  At the hospital, I turned him while Jimmy was turned by Matt.  Lacey was Johnny’s first kill, a fact that makes me beam in joy to this day.

 

  -Now, though…you’d never know that Johnny and I were once madly in love unless you were there for it all.  We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.  We have affairs.  Mine with women while his are with Zacky, Leana, Jimmy and Matt. 

 

  God, I wanted to kill Matt when I walked in on them for the first time!

 

  Johnny had been kneeling on the floor with Matt fucking him from behind, Jimmy’s cock in his mouth and his own dick was buried in Zacky’s tight ass.  I’ll be honest, I was more jealous than hurt at the time.  Jealous that between the two of us, Zacky wanted Johnny topping him more than me!  Why Johnny?  Was I that bad of a lay the few times that Zacky and I got together?  Or did Johnny do something different with them than with me?  I was so furious that I almost missed the triumphant sparkle in Matt’s eyes as he dumped his cum in my man’s asshole.

 

  The snarl that came out of my mouth had sparked a chain reaction in the fucking men.  Zacky had sprayed the carpet with his seed and slumped the floor, exhausted.  Jimmy has screamed and cum in Johnny’s mouth before falling on to his back on the bed.  And Johnny…he had cum so hard, he actually passed out against Zacky’s sweat slicked back!

 

  Matt had seen my fury, but he simply smiled all dimples and teeth, like he knew how hurt and confused I was by what I had just witnessed.

 

  “What’cha thinking about, beautiful?” the slightly slurred purr next to my ear distracts me from my ruminations of things past.

 

  “Just stuff, love.  Why?  You have something better for me to think about?” I am attentive in my sudden desirous attention of my newest lover’s interest.

 

  “My cock sliding in and out of your wicked mouth.” I grin and drop to my knees in front of a drunken Zacky Vengeance.

 

  As I slip my mouth around my secret lover’s cock, my eyes water a bit as I try to imagine it as Johnny’s.  He’s gone and I have no clue where he and Matt are, but it worries me.  He didn’t even tell me he was leaving, he just up and left.  Zacky starts moaning like a whore as I work his dick and balls with both my mouth and hands.

 

  “Fuck, Bri!  That feels so fucking…Ahh!” Zacky screams, but not from pleasure and this makes me look up.

 

  I scream at the sight that meets my eyes…