Anybody else just not in a good mood today? I love you guys, take care.
If you could go back in time, a week ago..., a month ago..., a year ago..., would you? Would you tell yourself what you know now? And what is it exactly that you have learned? Would you tell your younger self not to be so dumb? Not to be so secluded? To never pick up those blades or diet pills. To never put a finger to the back of your throat, binge, purge, starve? Would your life be any different then it was now?
We have all these questions but yet, no answers to why we're this way and that. That some people can cope with their life while others have to find salvation in a blade. Are we any different from any other living being?
I looked around the ward and ran my fingers through my hair, biting on the pen and contemplated for awhile before writing again.
Do you think your life would be any different then it is now?
Questions that cannot be answered until you figure it out yourself, truth be told, or, that's what they tell us when we're having group therapy. But really, it's just people pecking at other people for the way they are.
I looked around and spotted the orange-haired girl, with her short hair in a ponytail, hesitant about taking the medication the ward had to give us and without hesitation, my voice boomed, "You have to take them, or you'll get points off."
She turned around, quite a ways away from me and turned back to the nurse and tilted her head back, taking the medication and turned to look at me for a few seconds. For someone who was admitted, this orange-haired girl was standing straight with her head up high. Something that I would be too afraid to even do at home. I was never the one for self-confidence.
"Can I sit here?" The girl looked down at me and I stared at her, noticing her pale green eys and the little gap between her teeth. And the over-size, "Nashville" sweater that had oversized print for this small girl. Like she was sort of hiding.
"Sure." I said and moved over, closing my book, "I'm Taylor."
"Hayley." She sighed, "So could you tell me more about this points system?"
"Yeah, um...," Where too begin, I had been here for so long that this had been routine for me. "You get points for getting out of bed and getting dressed. You get points for eating and hanging out with the other patients. And once you get enough points, you get outside privileges."
She played with her fingers, chipping off the black nail polish, "And do I want outside privileges?"
I nodded, "If you're like me, it gets your mind off of how a boring white, the walls are."
"You take notice on the walls?" She asked, raising her eyesbrows.
I shrugged, "I take notice on everything."
"That's weird, isn't it?"
"Only to people who find it weird." I stood up, and put a cigarette in my mouth, "And in that case, I don't really care what people think of me because, look at me. Look at where I am. It can't get any worse then this, now could it."
I turned on my heel and waved to the nurse and she escorted me outside, to the spot where I normally sat. By the lake, with supervision. Although, I haven't had thoughts of killing myself in awhile.
I inhaled and exhaled, a breath of smoke coming out in front of me as I opened my book and started writing again.
My thoughts are a constant battle, between good and bad. Light verses the darkness. You can have good days and bad days. Maybe since I feel like I can trust you now, I'll tell you something about myself. Fact about me: It's easier not having friends. But that doesn't make it any less lonely.