Folie A Dorks

Across the interwebs, there are those known for their wit. Their humor. Their galleries of self portraits with the same expression every time. I am not one of those people. However, in this charming little distraction called real life, I can give some pretty good advice. Every day I receive letters from celebrities and normal people alike, asking me to help them with their problems. Here, I will answer them: maybe you, the generation lost to the internet, can benefit from my advice as well.

Letter from the week of 8/9/09

Dear Dr. Nonsense,

As a network, we are known for our stimulating, thought-provoking shows, such as "Rock of Love," "Daisy of Love," "Megan Wants a Millionaire," and "Real Chance at Love." We have been praised for our creative titles and the lovely, unique individuals we find to participate in our fine reality television programming. Of course, we are...VH1.

Aw, thanks for your enthusiasm! Oh, Garth, we love you and all the free publicity you give Ed Hardy.

And how can we forget Donald, the (seemingly) 456-year old man who adores Megan the Gold-Digger with everything inside his little heart. He constantly entertains us with his witty phrases and pop culture references.

"I feel like Angel during the season 2 climax of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Sarah Michelle Geller runs him through the heart...AhhhhOHHHHHH!"

We enjoy watching his skin flap around and the sunlight glint happily off his coke-bottles.

"I believe is was Lady GaGa who said...'Just Dance, it'll be okay. Just...dance.'"

Donald, we would've kept you on the show longer simply to see Megan star in "your next movie," appropriately named "Cannibal Cave Girl."

Who can remove from their memory the classy, well-educated ladies vying for the hearts (or lack thereof) of "Real" and "Chance," who were on "I Love New York" or "I Love Washington State" or whatever that one show with the ugly girl was.

Well, that honey has more rythym than...an elk carcass.

When we realized how high our ratings were this season, we were all:

Except our mouths were set on a straighter angle. And our nails are real. So is our hair.

However, we've noticed that many people are...well, mocking our programming. WE KNOW, WE DON'T GET IT EITHER. We really think we are shaking up modern day television. CNN BE DAMNED, VH1 IS IN THE HOUSE...YA'LL.

YES, WE ARE SPITTING ANGRY! THE CLAWS ARE COMING OUT!

We need people to respect our television as much as Brett Michaels respects the 20 women simultaneously chasing after his eyeliner and tight pants.

Help us?

Sincerely,

The VH1 Network.

Dear VHClass,

Here on Buzznet, we have several celebrities we follow obsessively. Well, not the entire community, but. You know. We're kind of like Angel during the season 3 climax of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

Well, we won't go there.

Now, even if our favorite Buzznet rockstars don't keep us constantly updated on their love lives, we like to know that they have someone to snuggle up to and discuss how crazy their fangirls are. I mean, really. I just used the phrase "someone to snuggle up to."

We're absolutely crazy.

But I have the PERFECT rockstar to have on your latest "Oh dear, I've been rejected by a washed-up rockstar and now need to find a washed-up rockstar wannabe of my own to snuggle up to and discuss how crazy my fankids are."

I give you...

PATROCK OF LOVE!

Here's the episode summary:

Ever since Pete Wentz got married, Fall Out Boy frontman Patrick "P. Sassy/PatROCK/The Delicious" Stump has been searching for a significant other to call his own. You know, other than his Taco Bell dog look-a-like Penny Stump. That little traitor's been hooking up with Hemmingway Wentz anyway.

Patrick is looking for an intelligent girl who enjoys the following things:

1. Prince

2. David Bowie

3. GarageBand

Do you think you have what it takes to rock PatROCK's world?

Are you actually Prince?

Do you own/shamelessly make out with a Patrick Stump action figure?

If you can answer "YES!" to either of those questions...

OMG CAN I HAVE A SIGNED COPY OF "PURPLE RAIN?!!"

...I mean. You can sumit your entry form at VH1.com.

There you go, VH1. You will have thousands of crazed Fall Out Boy fans glued to their TV sets, waiting to see if "their little teddy bear" finally meets someone he can spawn/adopt beautiful children with.

If you do not accept this show idea, I'm assuming (although I can't make any promises) that Travis McCoy will beat your ass and something along these lines might happen to you...

But maybe I'm not in the position to threaten you with a drink in the face.

Your move.

Yours sassily,

Evey.

Fall Out Boy only has themselves to blame for this and this and this and, thanks to Peter, THIS EPICNESS.

For those of you who don't get the "Patrock" reference...

Patrock letters, meet FOB fan. FOB fan, meet Patrock letters. Thank you, Nicholas Scimeca.