When I think Japan, I think of robot teachers and green tea. I also think of vending machines that sell beer but we will leave my vices out of this. Japan always seems to be at the forefront of the new what's next, even when it comes to fashion. Whether it's adorable hand bags or people dressed up like the characters from Death Note, Japan seems to be marching to the beat of a different taiko drum.
I couldn't possibly go into any detail when it comes to Japanese fashion. If you can recall what Gwen Stefani did for Harujuku, you will remember that she took something awesome and made it lame. All you have to do is go to her her Harajuku Lovers site and look at the Walmart-esque clothes with cheap, screened, faux Japanese prints.
Gwen Stefani's garbage:
A cute "Gothic Lolita" inspired ensemble:
I don't know about you but screw paying $40 for a yellow baby tee when you can wear a doll on your head and look awesome.
Harajuku refers to a myriad of styles that all converge in one spot. This was a magical bridge that was closed to traffic and gave people a place to congregate in the latest fashions they created themselves. Word around the camp fire is that the bridge, once closed to traffic on Sundays, is now open to traffic again. Where did all the Harajuku kids wander off to?
Ganguru girls look like Britney Spears, except you'd probably want to hang out with the former rather than the latter. I wanted to make a joke about having to listen to Britney's babies crying but she doesn't even watch her own kids so scratch that.
These girls look like fun. Like I want to hang out with them under their umbrellas and be their friend. If they get me mad, I can just rub my hand on their faces and run.
I don't want to hang out with this. I like how all the items in her trailer park gift basket are all the things that sustain this sham of a person. She is stoked for caramel frap madness. I would remove that Parenting for Dummies book because I hear Britney as some pretty clever nannies.
Fruits! They look like Bjork exploded on them. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Things in Japan either get more awesome or more weird. Let's look at something awesome first. Handbags inspired by handbags!
The first bag looks very ICP Juggalo-ish. That's o.k. thought, because we know this handbag comes from a good place and not the mall, bedecked in Hot Topic Goth apparel like so:
If the photo above gave you chills because America's youth would rather drink Fago and listen to ICP, perhaps you can keep warm with these:
Yup. Bewbz. LuLz. Someone made bewb scarves. Then, someone got old people to wear them. This is so Gen X-ish, right? I mean here's a simple equation: Gen X novelty item + old people = win.
Ladies, do you ever feel like you are being followed? Have some psycho ex on your tail? Need a quick hiding method? Look no further, Japan has you covered!
No, this is not a transformer. It's a woman, in a dress, THAT TURNS INTO A VENDING MACHINE! I hope no one tries to buy a beer out of her, lest her cover be blown. This was designed so that women could hid if they found themselves in a predicament that was most unsavory.
If you're looking for something a little more risque, you're going to want to check these out:
These are skirts with screen prints of exposed under carriages. At first, I thought they were see through skirts and I got all, excuse me WTF r u doin? Upon further inspection, it was revealed that these skirts were but optical illusions. I didn't need to break out the eye soap and say four Hail Mary's.
If I'm going to say anything about outlandish Japanese fashion, check out this little bloke:
This is Razor Ramon. He is Japan #1 Hard Gay. Yes. I just typed "hard gay" and I'm not even placing a personal ad on Craigslist. I don't really know how to explain this guy but this is what he does:
I hope that one day my very own inner leather daddy can be set free upon the streets as I thrust my pelvis to my hearts content. This is all I ever wanted.
Thank you, Japan. Thanks for you robot teachers and your hard gays. Thank you for you miniaturization of all things. Thanks for your square watermelons, strange fashions, and the inspiration that you bestow upon us all.