19 April 2014
Recently there have been so many heartbreaking incidents going on, from the aircraft that vanished in thin air, the sudden passing of my friend's brother, the sunken South Korea ferry and to the deadly car crash that took away the life of a prominent politician. All of them involved innocent lives being taken away. Over the past one and a half month these incidents hit me so much - that lives can be taken away so easily. That I could wake up one day receiving a text message telling that someone has passed away. That I could be chatting with my friend that she broke the news that her loved ones have become ashes.
I underestimated how fragile I could be. I underestimated how fragile life could be.
I guess the MH370 incident sparked a change within me, without me even noticing it. When I look back at my uni days I realise I barely go home - all in the name of studying and working on assignments. If I could go back in time I would probably visit my hometown more often. It's growing so rapidly, sometimes a little too fast for me to catch up. I wish I had witnessed it changing progressively. My sister never understood why I never had time for my parents. I never understood why she had so much time travelling back home. I guess until today I couldn't shed the thought and feeling of how worthless I felt when my dad is around. I would still, however, love to be at my hometown. The only reason I'd chosen to run away from home is to escape from all the negative energy which is slowly sucking my energy out, leaving with nothing worth looking forward to.
Now that I've started a brand new chapter in life I'm more willing to spend time travelling back and forth from PJ to Sitiawan. The journey can be a pain but it's worth it. It suddenly hits me that I don't have much time left to spend with my family. I'm still in the midst of learning how to talk to my dad again. And I'm willing to stay at home and at least give him a chance to literally see me hanging at home. As much as it's still unacceptable to me that loving me has given me him a (in)valid reason to abuse me verbally, I'm trying to resolve it so I won't be living my life in hatred. Words are so powerful that it can take someone's life away - and no way I'm going to use it that way just because I've been hit so harshly. Why would I want another individual go through the pain that I went through? I'm still rather shocked that I could actually have a short conversation - after more than 10 years - with my dad without feeling like I'm a worthless piece of shit. It's a good start I presume. I can't change the past but maybe I can create a better reality now.
Lately I'm also a wee bit more willing to spend - not that I have extra savings. I got the news that my secondary school junior got into an accident that left him paralysed for the rest of his life. I was surprised that I'd pick up the phone and call another junior who's currently raising fund for him and donate. If it were a few years back I'd probably felt sorry but I wouldn't be willing to give away anything monetary. I guess it's not always about keeping the money for my own future use. Now that incidents happen one after another it sort of made me feel like there are certain times when others would need it more than I do. I am not, in any way, convincing you to spend money recklessly by the way. I just thought that sometimes money just don't mean much when your physical ability and well-being have been pretty much taken away. Sure, money allows you to pay for treatment. But I wouldn't want to trade it for my health.
It's weird that only on occasions like these that only I'd realise how blessed I am to have even lived up to the age of 24. I don't know if I'll internalise these thoughts and feelings I have now. But if it does, and hopefully it does, you'll be hearing me talking more of my non-work-related stuff. Or maybe you'll see me travelling more often. Or perhaps hanging out with my mates during weekdays.
I guess I just need to worry less of what will turn out in the future. I may not even have one. Cherish the present because you never know what will happen the next second.