Death To My Non-Existent Ego
I realized that I wanted to live in a city that feels homey, filled with dreamers, and a place where I feel like a better person. It could be Nashville, it could not be Nashville. I don’t think you fully know where you feel at home until you spend a lot of time there. I know Las Vegas is not home for me.
A few weekeneds ago, I spent some time in Nashville- My favorite city. I rented a house, spent time eating, shopping, and digging deep into the city. At the end of the year, this trip opened my eyes more than ever.
I mentioned in a previous blog that this year has been a battle against fear, and a journey towards bravey. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means that I spent most of my time being scared of a zillion and one different things. Ignoring a big lump in my throat. Feeling like life was just laughing at me in a room filled with glass walls.
I was afraid of losing people I truthfully cared about. i was afraid of not being able to do what I loved. I was afraid of settlilng. And I was never one to settle.
You see, we all have this vision for life whether we choose to admit it or not. We have an age we want to get married by, the perfect career, what our house is going to look like, kids, etc. There’s a list we’re trying to get things checked off 365 days a year. Mine might be more over the top then most, but I panic when I can’t cross things off in a certain amount time. Maybe that’s why some people settle? They can’t handel their own panic button.
I can’t tell you how many people I saw walk out of my life this year. Not because of bad blood or anything- they just left. How shitty of a person do you feel when the people you care the most about and would do anything for, just stop talking to you- for no reason. I saw this quote that said, “You’re growning up when you start losing friends”. Is that true? Are we just growing up and our lives are no longer crossing due to this? I often wonder how some people keep friends for 10 years. Are those people not growing up? How do you keep a friendship going when you feel both parties are going seperate ways due to life? Will they circle back around 5 years down the road?
On a Monday I got an email from someone I hadn’t heard from in a long time. “Are you going to be in L.A on Wednesday?” That’s all it said. 2 hours later he was calling my phone. His number wasn’t the same. I answered it as I got into an elevator headed to watch some friends play. It was so weird to hear his voice, something I had missed deeply. He was filling me in on something he needed me for because he got a new gig. I was trying to un-parallel parked and I got a laugh from him once I told him what I was trying to do. I couldn’t remember the last time I had made him laugh- it had been so long. He kept repeating “I meant to call you earlier a few weeks ago” and all I kept thinking was, “No, we haven’t talked. I don’t get the option of this anymore.”
When it ended, I don’t think it had an ending, it was many months later and it was due to me hitting the unfollow, followed by the block button. I recieved a text an hour later asking why I unfollowed, he said he’d call to talk, never did. So I realized that this was the end of not only our friendship, but the end of everything we once stood for. The respect was never there, and for that, I knew I needed out, as much as I hated that. I mean, there’s only so much you can take when you watch him walk out with another girl right in front of you.
As much as I would like to think I’ve crossed the hurdle of moving on, I haven’t. I couldn’t tell you why, but I can tell you that I’ve never felt more stupid (does that make sense?) in my entrie life. This guy that I cared for a lot, just emotionally drained me. I hadn’t talked about it in a really long time, but here I was two days earlier crying in Nashville, which I haven’t done ever!
I’ve never shed a tear, but something in me just made me break down for the first time. I think I finally realized and was ready to admit, “He hurt me”. Because for girls in today’s world, that’s a sign of weakness.
I wanted so badly to be that girl who was just like “He fucked me over, who cares!”, but I wasn’t. I thought if he didn’t care what he did, I shouldn’t care either. He’s moved on and maybe that’s why I was ready to admit it. We’re not the same people anymore, as much as I hate it- it’s true. He’s settling-something he wasn’t one to do either.
In my short life, there’s always been two people who were it for me. The one mentioned above, and the one below.
Another Question: How many great loves do we get?
(Editors Note: That four letter word makes me want to vomit!)
If you ask anyone who is close to me, they’ll tell you Gabbie’s only cared for two people ever- and they’ve both fucked her over.
I visited the first person-I might of ever cared for while I was in Nashville. He’s my best friend and someone I carely deeply about. We’ve always been on and off, but it’s like this secret thing that nobody but us know about. But, everybody knows. He’s the type of person who says a million and one things, but when it comes down to it, he freaks.
Well, here I was sitting in his brand new house with his dog (who I actually adored more than him) listening to him talk about life. This is what I wanted more than anything. Then the words “I’ve grown up a lot in the past 4 years” came out of his mouth. Here I was in panic mode, this is where our whatever you want to call it relaitonship actually ends. Nope, not yet. He showed me around his house and drove me back to my little place. We sat in his car in my driveway for probably 10 minutes- just talking and staring at each other. He made a joke saying call him if I was going to New York soon and he would go. I of course responsed so sassy “You don’t answer your phone anyways”. And he looked at me, looked away and said- “I might of blocked your number” and he looked at me searching for an answer. All I managed to get out was, “Oh, reallly”. He stated that he needed space, because apparently us texting, facetiming, and other things was too much to handle, when I’m never in his city. Basically- “It’s hard to see you, but never actually see you, but even harder when you com to visit and you just leave.
You see, we both probably care for each other more than we will ever actually admit. I was scared of losing him, because truthfully- he means the world to me. It would be weird not to have in my life as he’s been there for the past almost 4 years. I didn’t care if we never were a thing ever again, I cared a lot about our friendship more than ever. I told a few people about this encounter and all they said was “Maybe he’s afraid of holding you back, he always says he wants to be with you, but freaks when you’re actually in person.”
This is something I hear all the the time. Why does everyone who has even been in my life feel like they’re going to hold me back. I’m 22 and can make my own decisions when it comes to life. I have huge dreams that I’m slowly crossing off one by one, and just because you’re in my life, doesn’t mean you’re going to stop me from doing so. Maybe because of this, I’m seen as “unattainable”. Unattainable because I want to live my own life and have my partner do the same. I was never one to follow someone around like a lost child. That probably freaks men out more than I think.
Let’s circle back to the “How many great loves do we get?” question. What if it’s only 2? I already used up both. I don’t think I’ll ever feel the way I feel about the two people I mentioned in this post EVER with anyone else. And maybe that’s true and maybe that’s not true.
Next Question: What If I’ve Already Peaked Career Wise?
I’ve worked REALY hard for all the amazing things I’ve been able to do in my life. But, my current fear is, what if I already peaked career wise? What if all the things I’ve done already is as good as it’s going to get? That freaks me out so bad. Lately, I feel it’s sort-of true. I’ve probably already used up my “Great Loves” and “Career” cards too early in life. But again, who ever knows these things.
Here is the most honest blog you might ever get from me ever again. I may for the most part have my life together, but I fall from grace too!
R.I.P to my none-existent ego.