My Diary: Anorexia Is Not A Life, Anorexia Is Suffering

Anorexia is not a life. Anorexia is suffering. “She” isn’t my friend and “she” destroys everything around me, everything what I’m able to make during my free time. My fear is connected with “her”. And even it that I don’t believe in myself. “She” steals my dreams. And is so hard to say a loud “STOP!”. “She” is like a addiction, I’m addicted from “her”. This so bad. 

When I talk to people about my weight I feel fear and euphoria together. I know that they think that I’m pathetic about my thoughts. Yeah, it’s not easy to be me. I remember as doctor in hospital said to me about my “extreme anorexia”. I mentioned about it here many times but it was one year ago and… I don’t see any changes. I’m so lucky because I don’t look like anorexic girl. Yeah, I think that I’m close to EDNOS than to anorexia nervosa, but doctors know maybe better?? 

I don’t know. I can eat but I don’t gain weight. My body needs a lot of the energy and probably it’s a reason this sick situation. I hate destroyed knuckless hand skin. It look like a skin bulimic girl, read and broken. And the next things about me…. everything is just crazy. 

The last time I don’t feel ok. But it’s about my life goals, not about ilness. But probably about ilness?? I don’t know. I want to be so much artist. Buzznet( @wevegotyoucovered ) gave me strenght to making art. I remember how scared I was when I joined here. I was scared that you will not accepted me. But I thought bad. For me being in this family it everything, everyone is mine family. You make me high!!! I can’t wait to Friday, I’ll celebrate my second birthday here. I want to write some special post for you. I’ll try make like the best!!!

But back to eating disorders things. I believe that anorexia was escape to me. I didn’t want to remember about painful and negative things, so “she” was the only “person” around me. It was the worse mistake in my life. I hope that you will not choose this way. I want to stay allive a long time so I’m fighter. 

I had the time that I heard “her” voice inside my head. It was like a slowly suicide. It was big battle when I heard “You can’t eat anymore etc”. Now I’m better than it. And I’m so proud of myself. I’ll do everything that don’t back to this moment from my past life. It’s so hard but I fight for you, for better life and happiness. I know that I wanna win with this monster and come true my dreams.

Recovery is everything what I need…..

Love you so much!!!!

Forbidden <3