My Body Image Issues

Kate Cordova ( @littlemisskate ) recently wrote a great blog, called “Don’t Forget To Say “I Love You”” . She inspired me to share something from my soul & mind.

You know that my body image is like a dark place to me. I know that my weight is too low but inside me is body war. It’s hard when your mind drives you to crazy but the only way is fight with these feelings.

I believe that no one is perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. I keep my weight from 10 years in the same point because I dreaming about being accepted by everyone. It’s impossible but I feel that you will not like me if I’ll weight more. If you read my blogs, you know that I was bullied and I met with cyberbullied. I don’t have almost any friends and it makes that I feel alone and I have days that I think that I’m unwanted. And maybe it helps my body issues.

I don’t know. Sometimes I want to scream so loud that someone hears my voice and just hugs me. I need to say what I feel but I closed myself in the cage and it’s like a the endless pain. Just my dream is be happy but probably I don’t deserve. From the childhood my life is hard and just music and art calm me down and help me but my favorite music died for me a few months ago and I’m the last months with my art because new Internet contract will be too expensive to me. When I think about it I’m more and more sad because I’ll lose contact with you, my true family. And it will kill me. I don’t know if someone will miss… my last months with my art, just I feel right now tears on my face :/

Yeah, I think that I need to say how I feel. I love blogging here but sometimes I’m scared. I hope that @wevegotyoucovered will not kill me for it but I have bad luck. I know that the part of ads here is automatically generated because I saw that when I searched some books or school the next I had adverts in Polish, but this advert “attacks” me often:

When I see “it” …. I’m shaked because I have stupid and crazy thoughts that maybe I don’t fit here, that I’m too “fat” for being here. This is the reason why I feel so horrible. I think about it a lot and it hurts my mind and my body issues are stronger than I am. I hope that I’ll learn how lives with it.

I hate when the people in my place make gossips about me or my family. They think that know me, they don’t know anything about me. I remember when I went to high school and I was happy because I qualified for my favorite high school but what someone said to my sister, that I shouldn’t go to high school, just to technical school. I hate these crazy moments when maybe we needed help but someone didn’t help us. I don’t like my place because is full of the lies. I’m not gossip girl and is it my blame that I think not the same like the people???

And I feel unwanted and unloved. I think that even I don’t deserve to realize my dreams. Often I heard that I’m nobody, I’m trash, I’m too fat or I’m a w*ore. It doesn’t want to leaves me alone. I’m scared always when I post something that you will angry at me, that I’m problem for you.

Today I’m so worried about everything.I hope that tomorrow will be better for me.