A Plea From Rich: Teach Me How To Throw Shade

March 12, 2013

When I look at my life, it almost seems complete. I have two jobs, a dog that is always stoked to see me, and my Netflix/Spotify accounts. I can cook for myself and I know how to fix most of the things I need in my life that need fixing. If I don’t know how to fix things, I can Google them. Life is kind of easy at the moment but it is also getting boring.

Let’s talk about:

As the only single one out of my friends, I feel like there is something missing. There is a missing puzzle piece in my heart that yearns for completion. It can only be filled by the word above ^

When asked about exactly why I am single, I never really have an answer that is satisfactory. I wish I knew how to throw shade when asked about my singleness. I feel that being able to do so would help me cope with a lot of life’s cringe worthy situations.

^Me when I’m trying to have dinner with friends and they ask me about why I didn’t bring a date.

And then I just have to get up and LEAVE

I feel like I should know how to throw shade. I also feel like I should know how to throw a football but since I would rather sit in the grass and collect bugs when my father tried to teach me anything he thought I was “supposed” to know, well, that didn’t work out exactly.

^ My face whenever my father asked me to hand him tools to fix the car or play “catch.” I’m pretty sure he would shudder at what my version of “playing catch” is these days.

^ My dad’s reaction to all my “lifestyle choice” jokes

A lot of my life is like that. I spent most of it being angry at everything instead of embracing my inner self and learning how to be fabulous. Granted, this is not the peril of everyone, just mine. I am not trying to generalize everyone under a blanket but if you want to join me under the covers, I won’t stop you.

^ The usual reaction to my “come join me under blankets” advances

And so what is shade, exactly? I am not really sure. I have watched Paris Is Burning about a million times and Dorian Corey’s explanation of such escapes me. I suppose if I had actual people to throw shade to, that would also help in the practice of said activity.

Dorian Corey in Paris Is Burning

Even RuPaul’s words of wisdom can’t save me from my failure:

Some people have throwing shade down to a SCIENCE – Everyone but me

And so I leave you now with but a few gifs of people being shady. I was able to find these through Google, which I can thankfully use with aplomb. Enjoy!