Heartblog: Never Enough
I’ve been thinking about love, lately. No surprise there, but as the summer wedding pulls closer, I’m set to empty a bank account I have spent 10 years saving up to buy us a dream house, and being so tired that any amount of fun or positivity is lost the moment I step through the door and crash into my bed for a few hours of sleep, I’m feeling torn up.
I’ve promised many forevers in my life, some that still haunt me. My first grade forevers lasted weeks, my high school forevers lasted months, my early twenty forevers lasts a years and now I’m embarking on my grown-up forever. It’s really hard to believe that I can be successful at this kind of forever, because, what leg do I have to stand on? I’ve made so many fake forever promises, it’s impossible to trust myself.
So, instead of trusting myself, I’ve been looking at love with my A type, meticulous personality. Making lists and trying to scientifically prove that I can handle this, I can handle love and that swoon can trust in my forever, it’s scary. I think that’s how you know that you are really in love, when it’s becomes self-less. It stops being about what makes you happy, and turns into “how can I not ruin this other wonderful creature that I adore” because, I’m good at ruining things, and I’m good at blaming others when they sour. I’m good at pretending for minutes in my dreams that I can still run around temp-less and do whatever I want. Grown up love isn’t doing whatever you want, it isn’t about what makes me happy, it’s about doing whatever means we can stay in love another day. Most of the time that will also be the thing that makes me happy, but sometimes, it’s doing the thing that makes me want to smash plates into the wall.
It’s a very destructive thing to get everything you want. You spend so much time wishing for the job, or the love- and when there is nothing left to wish for- you start thinking that maybe none of this is what you even wanted at all. You wish new shiny wishes that push your old wishes into the gutter. I feel like the secret to life must be having it all and not wanting another bite. Being content to just be, with what you always wanted.
I wanted to be the best dancer ever, on the cover of magazines, with massive stars on tv- and I was- and it wasn’t enough.
I wanted to be on a tv show, wear fancy dresses and make people laugh…and it isn’t enough.
I wanted a kind, trustworthy, best-friend kind of love, that would never break my heart…