Heartblog: Happy Birthday Me, A Reflection On A Year.

A reflection on a year.


A year ago, on my 30th birthday I threw myself a giant birthday party, complete with a sparkly dress and personalized cupcakes. I was so afraid that no one would actually show up to celebrate with me, that I invited my dear friend to have a “joint” birthday party and in the case that all my friends were total flakes, I could sit in the corner and pretend that her friends were my friends. (happily, some people loved me and showed up, actually too many people.) 


I was freaked out about turning 30, I was freaked about getting married, I was freaked out about my face looking like a prune, I was freaked out that my best days were behind me. I was freaked out in general. If you are reading this and in your early twenties, then you have no idea what I am talking about. If you are nearing the ages of 26, 27, or 28 you might have a keen sense that something is about to rumble in your soul and the fear of the end of your twenties is starting it’s slow take-over of your mind. 


It’s hard to explain, something changed in me. If you have gone through your own turning thirty, then I can imagine that you are somewhere nodding your head and giving my golf claps about the fact that I didn’t shave my head, move to Africa, or start smoking. The first month of my thirties was one I will never forget. There I was thirty, to old to be cool, too old to wear short skirts and too old to be the complete and utter disaster of a human being I was. 


Disastrous tendencies of a twenty-something that is okay at 20 but NOT okay at 30:

Being a fair-weather friend, being obsessed with your own face and showing it off in million of daily insta-gram close ups, hooking up with random boys and being careless with their hearts, being careless with your own heart. Never calling your parents, not washing your face at night, promising someone forever but not meaning it, fucking with your hair, not having a 401K, not having health insurance. Being broke, fucking with your eyebrows, having like 500 friends, but being insanely lonely, putting yourself first every single time, doing things to get ahead without worrying about what could happen to other people.  Having a bad relationship with your family, living on diet coke and cookies and thinking you won’t fucking DIE early because of it. (you will.) I hate to admit it, but I was most of these things. Honestly, I was. I made a goal that in my 30th I would get my life together and I have spent most of the span of 30 to 31 learning how to do that. 


Something I did this year that freaked me out and turned out okay:

I promised swoon my forever. It’s not something I take lightly, because light non-forever  love lives in your 20’s. Forever isn’t as easy or a pretty as movies and Jason Mraz songs make it seem. Choosing someone when they make the wrong choices can be hard, it’s the most beautiful challenge in the world to actually really love someone. 



Also, about the diet coke and killing myself with un-health, so, 20’s of me. This past year I made a choice to stop feeling like I was going to die each day and eating all my meals from 7-11 and only drinking diet coke. The choice was hard, it takes time and prep and planning and saying no to food that sucks, but honestly, it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s an amazing feeling to not have any excuses when it comes to my own mind and body, you are what you eat. When I was eating Diet Coke and cookies everyday, I felt terrible. In order to deal with it I was swallowing sleeping pills, and wake up pills, and zombie pills just to combat the terrible that I felt. Once I made the decision to eat healthy and give up soy, soda, wheat, dairy, rice, meat, corn and candy… I realized that food is fuel and a healthy stomach is a healthy mind. I couldn’t imagine going back- and I lost 6 lbs! 



On the subject of parents, parents can be annoying. I think maybe the same level of annoying that we were when we didn’t sleep as babies and then took all their money as teenagers. This year my Dad had a stoke that almost killed him, I lost my godfather and took my momma on a trip to Italy and Greece and realized that she is no longer living at the speed of youth. In your 30’s you realize your parents are getting old and you have to stop being the baby and start being the caretaker. It’s the most terrible thing on the planet and you start really needing to have them around you. My advice is, stop hating your parents, include them in your life and love them everyday. 


Lastly, sometime around March I laid crying on my pillow (happens often, I’m a seni-tore) and cried to Swoon “look, I suck. I’m giving myself one year, and if something doesn’t happen in show-business in this one year, I’m giving up. I’m quitting and I’m opening a craft store because all this rejection is killing me and it’s cute to be trying in your twenties but not in your thirties.”  I gave myself ONE YEAR, I sat down, and worked my ass off and tried everything and knew that on Jan. 27th 2013 was it. My year was up. You all know how that ended, I auditioned and got a fancy job on the tv show of my dreams, so the craft store will have to wait. 



My point is, life changes, you care about cars and getting into clubs and then you start really caring about having a nice dishwasher. You become the person you never thought you would become and I love that life has all these seasons. I love that I lived with so much fear of turning 30 and then my 30th year turned out to be the best year I have ever had on this planet. I guess, I just want you to know that life gets better as you get older, not worse and I will gladly accept the wrinkles and 8 pm bedtimes, for all the love and satisfaction I feel on a daily basis. 


Make a goal. Make it come true. Be the very best you. Don’t worry so much. Take responsibility for your own life. tick, tick, tick, tock, it’s happening right now.