10 Bearded Cuddle Buddies For The End Of The World

Warning: This is going to be a really long post about innocent/intimate stuff. You have been warned. Stick around though, because it’s going to be fun and you’re going to love it. You might not. It happens. I love you though. Why won’t you let me love you?

Hulk smash!

Remember how last week we started to count down the days till the 2 Pac-alypse in the Question of the Day? Well, we are still doing that but I guess this blog is more like an expansion pack on that topic. Since there are now 10 days left in our countdown (and our lives), let’s talk about something semi-adultsy:

Cuddle Buddies

I didn’t know how I was going to bring up the subject of cuddle buddies to you all but here I am and I think it’s going to be fine, right? I mean, we are just talking about spooning and such, I promise. I don’t mean anything gross when I type “cuddle buddies,” so there. You’re just going to have to trust me on that.

Let it be known that I am great at cuddles. Not only do I give off lots of warms, which is perf for winter cuddles/bad for summer cuddles, but I also don’t move a lot when I sleep. Also, I have references because I’ve totes had a cuddle sesh or two or three or four in the past. It happens. CUDDLES HAPPEN.

Appropriate, right?

Anygays, since the Question of the Day was about the 10 people you’d want to save by inviting to your underground bunker, this is blog is about 10 Cuddle Buddies that I would like to keep me warm in my cement bunker far beneath the earth’s crust. It’s going to be cold in there. Body warms might be the only way we can keep cozy as the world above falls apart. Let’s take a peek at my list of potential cuddle buddies that can sleep on the right side of my bed.

Behold: Man beards, cuddle buddies, and the end of the world. Note: All Cuddle-bility/Beard Strength levels are on a scale of 1-10 (10 being Maximum).

1. Fassy –

Cuddle Level: 8 (I hope he doesn’t get all PROMETHEUS on me as I sleep cuz that would suck)Beard Strengh: 8

Did I tell you about that one time I went to watch Shame by myself and I was the only single person in the theater surrounded by older gay couples and a group of womyn? Well, it happened and I’ve been in swoons ever since.

2. Hugh Jackman

Cuddle Level: 7 (because he’ll probz get up in the middle of the night to sing at least once)Beard Strengh: MAXIMUM 10

Remember that one time I wrote about Hugh Jackman holding things and then I died because he wasn’t holding me? Well, that’s a thing and you can read about that here. Look at him being all awesome in Les Mis. Can you hardly wait? Stupid armageddon better not happen or else we will all be out of luck having never seen that movie. 🙁

3. Moo the Dog

Cuddle Level: 7 (read below)Beard Strength: 10 (She’s all beard, right? I think that’s how that works)

Look at my little angel. Moo is pretty good at cuddles but she’s a terd. In the middle of the night, she usually steps on my back but I am assuming that’s right after I roll on her in my sleep. She’s still awesome though. Oh and she snores. Also, she has bad dreams and YIPS in her sleep and it’s f**king cute.

4. Idris Elba

Cuddle Level: 6 OMG IS HE MARRIED? 🙁 Beard Strength: 7 (not a full beard)

On Luther, he’s married. IRL I don’t think so. Have you all seen Luther? It’s pretty good. Actually, it’s GREAT. I didn’t know Idris was from across the pond because his acting is so phenominal that I thought he was from America when I used to watch The Wire. I wasn’t going to put him on my list because his Instagram is all full of lady rumps and not enough of him being shirtless. Oh well. I put him here anyway so there.

5. Tom Hardy

Cuddle Level: 9 (Not a 10 because he’ll probz try to orchestrate the “liberation” of my bunker)Beard Strengh: 10

All I am going to say is Bane probably needs cuddles too. Maybe that’s why Bane is all angry and stuff. You know, because he was like, in that weird prison and no one cuddled him for a really long time and junk. I am here to give you some cuddle time, Bane. Let’s see if you can be angry after that.

6. Lil Bub

Cuddle Level: 5 (She’s a cat)Beard Strength: 10 (All fur, lots of fuss)

Lil Bub is not real, right? I mean, she looks like a doll. I am afraid to cuddle Lil Bub because what if I smash her in my sleep? OMG 🙁 I would like to pet her right before I snooze, so that’s a possiblity. MAKE IT HAPPEN, internet.

7. Tard – Grumpy Cat

Cuddle Level: 7 (I mean, he’s all ready for cuddles in the photo on the right but his face is telling me no)Beard Strength: 10

I love this grumpy cat because he looks like how I feel inside. That’s pretty much it. I want to hold Tard just one time AND NEVER LET GO.

8. Rich Juzwiak

Cuddle Level: 8 (Already has a cat cuddle buddy)Beard Strengh: 0 🙁

Even though there is no gnarly beard on his face, that’s okay. He’s all kinds of handsome and HE LOVES CATS AS WELL AS OTHER ASSORTED ANIMALS. I first found out about this dude because he used to be besties with this cat named Winston Bananas and he recapped hella ANTM. Basically, he’s what I think the internet should be full of because he’s funny and kind and I get anime heart eyeballs when I look at him.

9. Latrice Royale

Cuddle Level: 9 (would little spoon for Latrice) Beard Strength: 0 (Latrice has to got to those looks)

I don’t write enough about RuPaul’s Drag Race. Actually, I just started watching it because apparently, I am a bad gay. Also, I only started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race because of AmyPie. Anyway, Latrice is amazing. Latrice is my allstar 4evr.

10. The Oonly Cuddle Buddy I’ll actually have a chance at:

Cuddle Level: 10Beard Strength: APPA

If you don’t know how much I love Avatar: The Last Airbender and My Neighbor Totoro, you probz don’t know me too well. That’s okay, though. That’s what blogs are for – so that we might learn about each other. Anyway, Appa is a sky bison that has been made into a Pillow Pet. I love Appa. I also love Totoro. I wish Totoro was really my neighbor. I want to get in that bed right meow.

I wonder what it says about me that the only cuddle buddies I might actual get are ones that I have to buy with MONEY?

If anyone knows any of the aforementioned persons/animals in this here post, send them my cuddle buddy blog and let them know that I have a space for them in the bunker of my heart that will be here for all time, even after the world ends.

Make sure you go and answer the Question of the Day about the people that you’d like to be in your bunker at the end of times. Go forth and blog!

TTFN!