Heartblog: Hi. It’s Me. You Forgot Me.

If I could write to the kid I was before, 

I’d tell him you’ll get everything you ever wanted, 

But you will still want more.

Someone’s going to tell you

Who should want to be 

So you’ll forget the vision that they didn’t want to see

And when they give up, cause they will give up say

Here I am alive.

They say you don’t grow up

You just grow old, 

It’s safe to say I haven’t done both 

I made mistakes, I know, I know

But here I am alive.

So many people close to me cut me down, 

This is supposed to be a bad luck town

I jumped, I fell, I hit the ground.

But here I am alive.

-Yellowcard “Here I Am Alive” 

So, yesterday at work I got to interview one of my favorite artists Ryan from Yellowcard. I’m currently obsessed with the new Yellowcard record, and mostly the song “Here I Am Alive.” 

I’m not sure what the song does to my guts, but I feel like I could write 100 books when I hear it. I’ve just been there. I’m not without flaws, but parts of me feel like I am standing in a crazy room watching all these people that I have loved and love run around, and none of them even see me anymore. I’m just that girl that people use to save them, promote them, help them and then when it comes time to save, promote or help me, I’m just standing there. I’m not stupid, I know how karma works. But, I would hope that in some alternate universe that if we love someone enough to help them, that it wouldn’t turn into them turning their back on me. I don’t want favors returned, I want love returned. I want thoughtfulness returned. Mostly, I just want to be included. Are we as humans ever that busy? 

There is nothing worse than being forgotten. I truly believe that it’s much easier to be lied too. I’ve been in both situations, I’ve been all those girls. I’ve been the one who didn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch, I’ve had an entire cast of dancers hate me, to the point where I had to look at the floor when walking down the hallway so that I wouldn’t have to by chance see anyone. I’ve had my heart epically broken, I’ve had all the bad things. I’ve been the girl who said “it’s just been crazy” and not returned the call, we all have. But again, nothing is worse than being forgotten. It’s almost like, the people who love you, they put you on their top 5 list of things that no matter what- they try to keep you in their circle. Then, there are people who you are very close to and then something terrible happens, and your entire world turns into a version of “before-after that big crazy thing happened”. It could be a break up, someone throws a ball in your face and it hurts. It KILLS, but there is a reason, You can pinpoint where it all went wrong. 

Then there are the people who just stop calling, could be an agent, a manager, a lover, a friend. Maybe they do it on purpose, or maybe other people become more important and you just slide down the list to the bottom. The worst part is that WE don’t know why. Just one day we are in the inner circle, and one day, we are forgotten. 

Maybe, it’s my fault, I’m sure it is. I am loyal, I am so loyal in fact, it’s a flaw. I love people so much longer than they deserve it. I’ve had the same best friends since I was 6 years old. I’ve had the same hairbrush for like 10 years. I duct taped my tap shoes for 5 years because those things were “good luck” and I couldn’t deal with what they would feel like if I put them in the closet. I’ve loved ex boyfriends longer than we actually dated. I’ve loved them after they yelled in my face “STOP LOVING ME!” That is who I am. You will be running away from me throwing rocks in my direction and I will be running after you reminding you to floss. 

I would say that being forgotten is the worst thing I have ever felt. The internet and our tendency to over share make it even worse. Have you ever looked at a tweet and thought- “Hey look, everyone but me is having a blast right now.” It’s so high school, maybe I never grew up, maybe I won’t ever grow up. I still remember what it was like to no be invited to that Halloween party in 11th grade at Ryan Parker’s house, and I feel it exactly the same after all these years with whatever it is that I wasn’t on the list for. 

Maybe that is why this Yellowcard song means so much to me. I had some good chats with Ryan about His life Pre-Ocean Avenue, and after Ocean Avenue, and all those chances. I guess sometimes I wonder if Pete Wentz is out there being pissed off that none of those dudes who high fived him for the cameras in 2006 don’t invite him to the party anymore. I just wish everything for me was different, and I wish for everyone else that it stayed the same. 

I wonder if I will ever grow up? I wonder if I will ever grow up enough to know that people change and it’s not always in the way you wish they would.