Heartblog: EPIC &%$#*

This week I had a very interesting thing happened to me. I lost my cool, twice. 

Privately, I lose my cool all the time. My future husband can attest to this. I get very, very, VERY angry sometimes and punch the air, cry and complain. However, I’ve always tried to not do it to people’s faces. I’ve always tried to just write, with this blog, my journals, my chalkboard, the things I was feeling, the events of the story and then ask questions and pause and reflect. Most of the time, my readers, or my own soul, came to some sort of conclusion. Usually, that conclusion was to be calm, and to say nothing, and let people live their lives. You know me, I always respond to mean people by showing them more love. 

I’ve always shared my life, because I wanted people to feel less alone. I’ve shared my highs and my lows, and gotten crap for it both ways. I’ve shared the love I feel for my fiancé, only to have the knocked down, I’ve shared the confusion I’ve felt over years of bad relationships, also getting knocked down. But,I’ve stayed strong, and continued sharing because I know it’s what I was meant to do. 

This week caught me in a really bad place. I was angry at some friends of mine who I felt were not making the best choices and in turn hurting Swoon. Usually, I would have just bitten my tongue and offered my advice and love and let it be. Instead, I sat and wrote one of the meanest emails of my life. (it was really long) and then pressed send without even pausing to take a breath. There was so much negativity in that email! Enough to seriously ruin someone else’s day! 

In the aftermath of that, I felt incredibly guilt. We are all just trying to live, and sometimes people’s mistakes are theirs to make. I should have been more compassionate, I still feel awful.

Next up in my rotten week was a whole bunch of stuff that went out on twitter, and ended in me being called an “epic bitch” by a complete stranger. 

Sometimes, when you don’t pause to think about your words, you don’t realize how they can be interpreted. There is a certain amount of creative license to everything I post. It might not always be about when, where, and who people would assume it might be about. I understand we are not all in the same place as I am (ie. married, living together, pretty safe) and often I write and say things because I think it’s something that “WE” can relate to. It’s hard to explain, but if I only wrote and talked about my life in the now, it would be a whole lots of cheesy love-songs, and then it might make all of you feel sad, so I try to take a little of my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend, a little of my friend who just met someone, and a little of me at 15, 17, 22 and mush it together into an online conversation. you dig? 

Also, sometimes, playing nice is really exhausting. I’ve seen it all break me down over the past few years. I started as someone who would never talk behind someone else’s back, and now, my integrity has been chipped away slowly. 

I find it extremely difficult when there are people that comes to be players in your life, and when those people hurt you, or do things that disappoint you, you don’t get to add a notch to some giant scoreboard of life that explains what happened for the whole world to see. It’s just affects you. Other people only get to see small pieces of the lives that we actually experience. Many of you would find me to be very different in “real life.” It’s even harder when those disappointments and dilemmas have to do with love. Often a break up can go something like, breakup/ihateyou/let’sbefriends/nowaitihateyou/noletsbefriends/nowaitthisisweird/nowaityousaidthat?/deeptalks/waitihateyouagain. There are many reasons behind all of it, and it’s impossible for all of us to hash out a giant he-said-she-said report that fairly explain both sides. I guess that is why most people just do it in private. 

There is also a little part of me that believes that I tend to romance and make worse things in my life as inspiration for writing, blogging and living. After all, I was an artist for most of my youth and up until a year ago, I was a sparkly artist…but still art. And so, I find a really bittersweet nostalgia in things that I experience at 12, 17, 25 and 28. I love living in a memory, it’s like my own personal movie. 

My point is, that at some point in your life, you are gonna be in a situation where you feel like the other guy really did you wrong. Every bone in your body is going to want to yell, kick, scream, call names and be an “epic bitch.” People might come at you saying that you are wrong, and you’ll want to send them that giant scorecard so that they can see the proof, the other person was terrible 42 times and you were only terrible 15 times. But, you know? Life isn’t fair guys. Also, sometimes you can’t change people’s minds. They just see you the way they want to see you. You can be right, wrong or uncalled for, and I’ve learned that the more right you are, the more upset people are when you call them out about it. We hate to look in our own mirrors, I know I do. 

I suppose that I was right when I wrote in my book, “Life is just about reactions and everyone is waiting to see yours” 

So instead of saying what I really want to say most of the time which is 

“ps. hobo said to go fuck yourself” 

I’m learning that saying nothing might be better after all, you cannot warn someone out of a mistake, and you cannot coach people through their lives, you just have to exists beside them and play nice. I’ve made some pretty big mistakes this week, and I’m feeling pretty terrible about my character. It really doesn’t matter what happened, or when, or with who. 

What do you guys think? Have you ever been in this situation before?