Blogs From The Bathroom – Episode 2: Loud Noises
Here is another great post from my friend who has just put their 2 weeks in at a job they hated! Warning: today’s adventure might hurt your ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever wonder what goes through someone’s mind when they have given their 2 weeks notice at a job they hate but still have to go into the office for those 2 weeks? Well let me give you some insight into the process in a series I call “Blogs from the Bathroom”… you know, since I shouldn’t be writing this at work.
“Episode 2 – LOUD NOISES.
So let me start off today by saying the following: I know that I am brash, swear, and may be borderline vulgar. I also know that the lovely person who runs this blog is none of these things. That being said, please don’t let my dumb ass scare you away from her blog. She isn’t condoning what I say, or how I say it, but instead is giving me an outlet here to rant like a sailor who knows how to type. Just wanted to take a second to thank her for that and acknowledge that I’m aware what I say is a bit of a change of pace for her site.
That being said… I am bored out of my skull today. Also, my boss is not in the office until next week, so I plan on fully taking advantage of that while I can. But one can only surf Gawker and Facebook for so long, which leads to today’s challenge: see how long I can go by ONLY speaking through the megaphone I have on my desk. Seriously.
I have had a megaphone on my desk for months now. You may ask why do I have a megaphone? Why the fuck not?! Do you know what having a megaphone is like? Its like having a second dick that you can use to yell at anything and everything. Seriously, even though I would never be one, I see why cops enjoy their jobs: because their cars have megaphones in them. Its liberating, and I have used it to both compliment and call people out as I see fit. I will say this, however: if you are thinking to yourself “man, I want a megaphone at my desk!”, don’t do it unless you’re willing to get yelled at by your boss A LOT. She’ll eventually laugh it off and call you nuts, which she kind of may be right about, but you’re going to have a lot of lunch meetings about how you “can’t say ‘relationships are for pussies’ while at work, let alone through a megaphone” and how you aren’t supposed to “yell at HR from across the office” with it. Just saying, you’ve been warned.
I also want to take this chance to remind you that I did NOT get fired from this job, but I quit it. I was able to get away with this shit due to the fact that I am good at what I do, and would be working until midnight routinely, so you gotta find ways to break the tension. My method: a megaphone. Also whiskey in coffee, but mainly the megaphone.
So today’s megaphone experiment went exactly as I planned: 15 minutes in and one complaint. 10 minutes later a “really? this needs to stop”, to which I replied with 2 minutes of silence and then the siren noise on the megaphone. 3 minutes later was the death threat from the person who sits in front of me. Also, apparently responding to the death threat by yelling “Fuck You Bryan, I’ma live my life!” into said megaphone isn’t the best response to threats of violence, as I found myself on the receiving end of roughly 100 bouncy balls at high rates of speed. Ah… Thursdays.
Total time speaking through only a megaphone: roughly 30 minutes.
5 and a half days to go.
Until tomorrow, stay employed. Unless you hate your job, then say fuck it and piss off everyone with a megaphone until your life is threatened.
Imported from thoughts of a lovely gal