Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’: Chapter 4

In the fourth chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Mad-Eye Moody arrives with Harry’s friends and surprises Harry with his plan for transporting him to safety. When they do leave, however, Rowling shows that she’s prepared to do whatever it takes to tell the right story. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 4: THE SEVEN POTTERS

DETAIL LOG

HEDWIG

SUBJECT: HARRY POTTER

DATE: JULY 27, 1997

1935: SUBJECT RETRIEVES ME FROM HIS SMELLY, UNTIDY ROOM. I’VE COME TO LOVE SUBJECT, BUT HE MUST GET BETTER LIVING QUARTERS IMMEDIATELY.

1938: SUBJECT IS QUIZZING ME ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I’LL MISS THE PLACE. HE HAS TO BE PSYCHOTIC. I’VE TAKEN BETTER POOPS THAN THIS PLACE.

1938: HE IS SHOWING ME A CUPBOARD THING UNDER THE STAIRS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? I CAN’T WAIT TO FLY OUT OF HERE.

1940: THAT MAN-BEAST CALLED HAGRID JUST APPEARED OUT OF THIN AIR ON A MOTORCYCLE. I THINK HE’D FANCY A LEATHER BAR SOME DAYS. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

1941: HAGRID BROUGHT ALONG A VERITABLE ARMY OF PEOPLE. RON WEASLEY IS HERE AND, THANKFULLY, THAT DREADFUL PIGWIDGEON IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

1945: THE ONE THEY CALL TONKS GOT MARRIED TO LUPIN. OH JOY. I NEED A NAP.

1950: MAD-EYE MOODY IS YAMMERING ON ABOUT SPELLS AND HARRY’S AGE AND I WISH HIS BLUE EYE WOULD STOP GAZING MY WAY. IS IT POSSIBLE TO PECK OUT A MAGICAL EYE? MUST FIND OUT.

1952: OK, MUST ADMIT THAT I AM SURPRISED BY MOODY’S PLAN. POLYJUICE POTION CREATES SIX ADDITIONAL HARRY POTTERS. HOPEFULLY THEY ARE ALL AS AWESOME AS HE IS NOW. I’LL TAKE THE REAL ONE, HOWEVER.

1956: NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE SEVEN SUBJECTS STANDING IN FRONT OF ME. PERHAPS I SHOULD GO BACK TO SLEEP.

2008: JUST LEARNED THAT WE CAN’T USE MAGIC TO TRAVEL. AND THAT I HAVE TO RIDE IN A STUPID SIDECAR WITH SUBJECT AND HAGRID. ONE DAY, I WILL TRAVEL IN STY

LE.

2015: PACKED INTO SIDECAR BETWEEN SUBJECT’S LEGS. HE LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. WHY CAN’T I JUST FLY? OH, RIGHT, EVERYONE TREATS ME LIKE A STUPID ANIMAL AND NOT THE MAJESTIC CREATURE I AM.

2016: TAKEN OFF. THIS IS LOUD. DO THEY MAKE EARMUFFS FOR OWLS? SOMEONE INVENT THIS.

2017: WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHY ARE THERE HOODED CREATURES AROUND.

2018: WHAT THE SHIT, THERE ARE FLASHES OF GREEN LIGHT EVERYWHERE. WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHY AM I STUCK IN THIS CAGE.

2019: OH SHIT, SLIPPING OUT OF SUBJECT’S SIDECAR.

2019: WHEW. SUBJECT CAUGHT ME. I CAN’T BELIEVE I EVER DISTRUSTED HIM. COULDN’T ASK FOR A BETTER ASSIGNMENT.

2020: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY ARE THE DEATH EATERS HERE. I HOPE MALFOY IS AROUND.

2020: THAT’S IT. AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THIS CAGE, I’M GOING TO START PECKING EYES OUT. IT’S ABOUT TIME HEDWIG GOT HER REV—[/CUT]