Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’: Chapter 21

In the twenty-first chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, OH MY GOD THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ARE NOT A PLACE AT ALL. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 21: THE TALE OF THE THREE BROTHERS

OH MY GOD, IT’S ON. IT’S FUCKING ON. I’M BRINGING IT BACK AND WE ARE COMMITTING TO THIS TOMFOOLERY. IT IS TIME FOR (ONLY) THE THIRD HARRY POTTER CAPS LOCK PARTY BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY THAT I CAN DEAL WITH THE MIND-MELTING EVENTS OF THIS CHAPTER WITH A SINGLE LOWERCASE LETTER. LOOK. I JUST CAN’T. AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME.

OH MY GOD, SO THAT SYMBOL XENOPHILIUS WORE IS NOT AKIN TO THE SWASTIKA AND I AM SO GLAD HE HAS BEEN VINDICATED AND THAT KRUM IS THE REAL IDIOT BECAUSE LET’S BE TOTALLY HONEST: KRUM IS A PRETTY TERRIBLE PERSON. WHAT? DON’T BELIEVE ME? I HAVE A PIE CHART THAT CLEARLY DEMONSTRATES THIS FACT:

IT’S BASICALLY SCIENCE OR SOMETHING.

OK, MOVING ON. SO XENOPHILIUS STARTS REFERRING TO A QUEST AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT IT WOULD BE REALLY HILARIOUS AND SUBVERSIVE IF THE REST OF THIS NOVEL TURNED INTO FINAL FANTASY FANFICTION, BUT I IMAGINE THAT MAYBE SIX OF YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THAT AS MUCH AS I WOULD, SO OBVIOUSLY THIS MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

AND THEN ALL OF OUR BRAINS COLLECTIVELY EXPLODE BECAUSE WHO FUCKING KNEW THAT THE TALES OF BEETLE THE BARD WAS ACTUALLY THE ANSWER TO WHAT THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ARE? SO XENOPHILIUS HAS HERMIONE READ “THE TALE OF THE THREE BROTHERS” OUT LOUD AND WHERE ARE THE S’MORES, THIS IS THE WORST CAMPFIRE STORYTELLING PARTY OF ALL GODDAMN TIME, BUT I GUESS THAT IS OK BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE LOVEGOOD HOUSE.

BUT I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE STORY ABOUT THE STONE AND THE WAND THAT ALWAYS WON AND THE CLOAK THAT WAS TOTALLY INVISIBLE BEYOND IT BEING A NEAT FAIRY TALE FOR KIDS LEARN NOT TO BE RAGING ASSHOLES.

OH, WAIT, I’M WRONG, BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. AND THE HALLOWS IS NOT A PLACE IT IS THREE FUCKING OBJECTS: THE ELDER WAND, THE RESURRECTION STONE, AND THE CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY.

OH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU POSSESS ALL THREE, YOU BECOME THE MASTER OF DEATH. WHICH IS LIKE&hel lip;……………….I DON’T REALLY KNOW. CAN YOU CONQUER DEATH? OR MAKE PEOPLE DIE? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

NEITHER DOES HERMIONE, WHO TURNS THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION INTO LIKE…A WIKIPEDIA EDIT WAR. WHERE IS YOUR SOURCE, I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO CITE EVIDENCE OF THAT, YOU ARE ILLOGICAL XENOPHILIUS.

HERMIONE. HERMIONE. YOU LITERALLY LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN DO MAGIC FOR ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE MUGGLE-BORN, BUT YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS. AGENT DANA SCULLY WOULD EVEN CALL YOU STUBBORN. AND HOW CAN YOU DENY THE FACT THAT HARRY’S CLOAK, GIVEN TO HIM BY DUMBLEDORE, OWNED BY HIS FATHER, HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE VERY BEST INVISIBILITY CLOAK OF ALL TIME? I MEAN, HIS CLOAK IS CLEARLY THE CLOAK.

OH GOD, AND AFTER ALL THIS, HARRY REALIZES THERE IS A PAINTING OF HIMSELF ON THE CEILING AND HE GOES UP TO LUNA’S ROOM AND SHE FUCKING PAINTED HIM, HERMIONE, RON, AND NEVILLE ON THE CEILING AND IT IS A MURAL OF FRIENDSHIP AND I DON’T KNOW WHY IT MADE ME CRY BUT IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE LUNA IS SO PURE OF HEART AND SHE IS GENUINELY AN AMAZING FRIEND WHO APPRECIATES THOSE AROUND HER WHO CARE ABOUT HER AND IT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE THE BEST SINGLE DETAIL IN THE ENTIRETY OF DEATHLY HALLOWS OH GOD I NEED TO STOP WEEPING AND USING PERIODS AND COMMAS AND SUCH AS.

WAIT. WAIT. WHY IS LUNA’S ROOM FULL OF DUST. WHY. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD SHE ISN’T THERE. SHE HASN’T BEEN THERE. OH MY GOD, THE MINISTRY KIDNAPPED LUNA. OH MY GOD, THE DEATH EATERS ARE ON THE WAY THERE AND NOW THEY ARE THERE. XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD, THIS IS SO PAINFUL AND DEPRESSING BECAUSE I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS YOUR WORLD, SO THIS IS EXTRA HEARTBREAKING.

OH GOD THE CEILING COLLAPSED. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. OH MY GOD THE DEATH EATERS ARE IN THE HOUSE. OH GOD, THEY ARE GOING TO GET TAKEN AWAY. OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HERMIONE DOING???? WHY DID SHE PUT RON UNDER THE CLOAK? OH GOD OBLIVIATE TO LOVEGOOD’S FACE AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, WHERE ARE THEY GOING OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK