Mark Theorizes About the Future of Harry Potter: Part 2

I am just going to start this like so:

IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO SHOVE YOU BEYOND THE VEIL, THEN GO AHEAD AND DO WHAT SO MANY PEOPLE DID ON THIS REVIEW.

Look, I realize I am basically saying, HEY GUYS YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS AND I AM GOING TO PRACTICALLY TEASE YOU WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF SPOILING ME. But seriously, DO NOT DO IT AT ALL.

I’m doing this more for me. Ok, I definitely think it’s fun to make you squirm, but I SWEAR I AM NOT THAT EVIL. I think it’s fun to theorize and think about these sort of things. And embarrass myself. Lots of that.

So let’s go over what I said last time.

• Jesus fucking christ, it was just a small mention early in Goblet of Fire, but I STILL REMEMBER IT. I want to know what the Department of Mysteries is. Immediately. JK JK JK JK I WILL WAIT. But yeah. I do not think that was a disposable line at all, but I have no clue how it will be used or brought up again. BUT I WANT TO KNOW MORE. WELL HOLY SHIT I am basically ~Sybill Trelawney~
• I predict we will see Karkaroff again and he will be a Death Eater. That’s all I’ve got. No idea if this is true or not.
• I predict that Fudge will eventually come around to believing Dumbledore, regarding the return of Voldemort, but not until the end of the novel. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, FIRENZE.
• I have no idea what the Order of the Phoenix is but Fawkes will play a large part near the end. (JESUS I AM GRASPING AT STRAWS HERE STOP JUDGING ME.) lol lol lol I GUESS I WAS SORT OF RIGHT.
• SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE. lol lol jaykay Oh god, please don’t let this happen soon.
• Snape and Harry will have a conversation in book 5 about Snape’s past as a Death Eater. Wait…so….this happened, right? Are we going to count references to it? I’ll say yes.
• Hermione will hold hands with Ron but only at the end. (For the next book, not the whole series. also idk what i’m talking about at all.) STRIKE OUT.
• Ummmm….Voldemort will win some battle at the end of book 5 and Muggles will be killed? And then maybe World War III will start? Or maybe Dumbledore tries to bum Snape and that ignites a war. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME Ok, not completely right, but there is a war. No Muggles killed, though!
• Aren’t O.W.L.S taken in the fifth year? um Ron, Hermione, and Harry will do well and obviously Hermione will get ALL THE O.W.L.S. Actually, they won’t get the results of their O.W.L.S until Half-Blood Prince, so BOOOOOOOO.
• I say R.J. Lupin comes back in book five. Mostly because I miss him. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 OH FUCK YES I RULE.
• Sirius Black will play a larger part in the narrative than in book 4. Great. I’m going to start crying again. I am a horrible person.
• The Death Eaters will get a new follower by the end of book 5. Struck out, yes? I don’t think they gained a new follower.
• Professor Trelawney will predict Harry’s death again and be wrong. THIS IS INEVITABLE Y/Y/Y/Y/Y Oh god, THIS IS SUCH A TRAGIC PREDICTION OF MINE.
• Harry, Ron, and Hermione will find another secret room in Hogwarts. Oh man, REQUIREMENT ROOM SHIT YEAH.
• Harry will win all his Quidditch matches. Well, could not be farther from the truth.
• Someone will get hurt. UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING YEAR. Jesus christ.
• Someone will speak. alskdfjasd;fl was i right?????
• Someone will sleep. This is actually a terrifying prediction given how much sleep played into the narrative. Yikes.
• words. wat

Oh god IT IS SO EXCITING, ISN’T IT.

So let’s try round two. Same rules. Don’t say anything to give me any sort of hint that I’m right or wrong. Just laugh at me. I appreciate all humor aimed squarely at me.

• Aunt Petunia will apologize to Harry for the way she has treated him.
• We will see Harry return to the Burrow.
• We will see the first Voldemort-related death of a Muggle before the halfway point of the book.
• Harry will…uh…find a new girlfriend? I don’t know, I’m not feeling the Harry/Cho shipping.
• RON AND HERMIONE WILL HOLD HANDS. God, GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.
• Lupin will do his best to step into the role that Sirius left behind.
• Ok, let’s get into some real shit: Bellatrix is gonna WRECK SKULLS in this book.
• Snape and Harry will have a conversation about the end of the Occlumency lessons.
• Voldemort will appear in person in the book before the halfway point.
• We will see Karkaroff again…as a Death Eater. HEY I CAN RECYCLE PREDICTIONS.
• The Half-Blood Prince is….a new character we have not been introduced to.
• Harry will see some manifestation of his parents again.
• MORE LUNA LOVEGOOD. Only because…WHY NOT.
• I think we will learn why Dumbledore trusts Snape so much in this book.
• The next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will not be FUCKING EVIL.
• Umbridge will come back in some form, but only briefly.
• And for my big prediction: The number of people in the Order of the Phoenix will be cut in half by the last page.

OH GOD I AM A ~true seer~ rite amirite

UGH I AM EMBARRASSING.