Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 30

In the thirtieth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, we learn why Hagrid is always beat up and why the centaurs hate everyone. And this book goes back to being utterly miserable again. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 30: GRAWP

I cannot take this much longer.

THIS HURTS. Oh man, for ONE CHAPTER I was thinking THIS ISN’T SO BAD, THE TIDES ARE TURNING, PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO REBEL AGAINST UMBRIDGE AND MAYBE HARRY’S DAD WASN’T A COMPLETE DOLT BAG AND GEORGE AND FRED ARE AWESOME AND MAYBE THIS BOOK WON’T MAKE ME WANT TO DIE but guess what

WRONG.

Well, there is the portion at the beginning of the book where utter chaos reigns at Hogwarts and the students and teachers start using Umbridge’s rules against her. But this is just a momentary relief from UTTER SADNESS.

I don’t know how to talk about Grawp. It’s so sad and fucked up and it is not going to end well at all. I can’t even imagine a way that it could end well.

SO GRAWP IS HAGRID’S HALF-BROTHER. AND HE IS AN ~uncivilized~ GIANT.

What the fuck, guys??? ROWLING WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE THIS PLOT LINE AND MAKE ME DEEPLY SAD AND FILL ME WITH UNENDING FEELINGS OF DREAD AND DOOM?

This will not end well this will not end well this will not end well this will not end well HAGRID I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BUT YOU ARE BEING UNBEARABLY STUPID RIGHT NOW oh god MY HEAD HURTS.

• “HARRY! HERMIONE!” yelled Ron, waving the silver Quidditch Cup in the air and looking quite beside himself. “WE DID IT! WE WON!”

  They beamed up at him as he passed; there was a scrum at the door of the castle and Ron’s head got rather badly bumped on the lintel, but nobody seemed to want to put him down. Still signin, the crowd squeezed itself into the entrance hall and out of sight. Harry and Hermione watched them go, beaming, until the last echoing strains of “Weasley Is Our King” died away. Then they tunred to each other, their smiles fading.

  “We’ll save our news till tomorrow, shall we?” said Harry.

  “Yes, all right,” said Hermione wearily. “I’m not in any hurry….”

Good, because neither am I. SO LET US TAKE A MOMENT TO COMPLETELY IGNORE THE PLOT THAT IS GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING AND JUST HAVE A RON WEASLEY PARTY INSTEAD.

Sound good?