Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’: Chapter 21

In the twenty-first chapter of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 21: THE UNKNOWABLE ROOM

WHAT IS GOING ON, GUYS? WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON?

Look, I have no problem admitting how confused that I am. I am utterly lost. I cannot figure this shit out. I don’t know where this is headed. AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

(I haven’t swore in a long time so BEAR WITH ME.)

I cannot figure out how Harry is going to convince Slughorn to talk and I cannot even remotely guess what his missing memory is going to be. I actually feel incredibly stupid that I cannot put the pieces together, especially after I LITERALLY FUCKING FACEPALMED TWICE READING CHAPTER 21 BECAUSE I HAD NOT THOUGHT OF THE ACTUAL REVEALS. Also, DO NOT FACEPALM TOO HARD BECAUSE IT SORT OF HURTS, as I have to discovered.

WHAT ARE HORCRUXES

WHY IS SLUGHORN HIDING ALL THIS SHIT

HOW DOES THIS ALL MATTER

WHY IS DUMBLEDORE TRYING TO LEARN ABOUT VOLDEMORT’S PAST

AHASDKJFLHASKJHASDLKFJHADFHALKSJDHAJKFDSH

So then Kreacher and Dobby show up and we learn (from Dobby, because Kreacher is basically a useless bigot) that Draco has been using the Room of Requirement.

JESUS, THAT HAPPENED A BOOK AGO. HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THIS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN? Rowling, you are a master at distracting me and NOT MAKING ME THINK ABOUT ALL THE CLUES YOU’VE ALREADY GIVEN ME. Oh my god guys HOW DID I NOT REALIZE DRACO WAS ACTUALLY IN HOGWARTS THE ENTIRE TIME oh my god

What is he doing? WHY? WHY IS HE MEETING WITH OTHER PEOPLE? WHAT THE FUCK?

Oh my god, wait, CRABBE AND GOYLE ARE USING POLYJUICE POTION? IT IS SUCH A SIMPLE GODDAMN EXPLANATION HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS AT ALL. OH MY GOD THEY WERE THE GIRLS WITH MALFOY BEFORE THAT QUIDDITCH MATCH. My brain. It hurts. I can’t. I just can’t. THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER AGREED TO DO EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL RECORDED TIME.

ALSO WHY IS THERE NO TIME SPENT ON THE SCENE IN WHICH MOANING MYRTLE TALKS ABOUT A BOY CRYING IN THE RESTROOM? What is she talking about? DON’T ANSWER THAT, OBVIOUSLY, BUT SERIOUSLY, MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER MYSTERY oh my god my brain is going to start forgetting normal, every day details in my life and then I will forget my signature or I’ll forget my address or maybe I’ll forget I have a job? LOOK, I DON’T KNOW, IT’S JUST GOING TO HAPPEN, DON’T DISPUTE ME.

Then—THEN!!!!—Tonks shows up AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER. She makes me so, so sad and then I miss Sirius and then my brain also cannot handle trying to guess how all these narrative lines will be tied up. I HURT. EVERYWHERE.

And even worse than all this? Harry never gets inside the Room of Requirement. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT MALFOY IS DOING. GUYS, THERE ARE NINE CHAPTERS LEFT AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS BOOK IS GOING. Good lord, HOW DID YOU ALL LAST FUCKING YEARS IN BETWEEN BOOKS? I CANNOT LAST ONE SIMPLE HOUR BETWEEN CHAPTERS WITHOUT APPROACHING THE EDGE OF MADNESS.

Oh god I am not going to survive OH GOD.