Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 16
In the sixteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry agrees to meet with a few students who are willing to actually train with him for a more practical use of the Defense Against the Dark Arts. But when the meeting, held at the dingy Hog’s Head pub, finally arrives, Harry is shocked by the response. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 16: IN THE HOG’S HEAD
This is book is not unfolding as I planned.
The idea that Harry teaches REAL Defense Against the Dark Arts in a practical sense to those willing to learn it, given the reality that Voldemort is back, is so goddamn genius I feel like punching myself in the face because I didn’t think about it first.
And to elaborate on what I said in the last review, the method in which Ron, Hermione, and the interested group in this chapter use Harry’s trauma and his whining to create a positive, proactive solution is so mature and fantastic that, for the first time in this entire book, I feel hopeful. For what? I can’t really say anything specifically, mostly because I now live in abject fear of ever predicting anything in this series again after that embarrassing Umbridge paragraph of mine.
But even though there haven’t really been many quiet, slow parts of this novel, I feel like the narrative has been given another kick in the pants by Rowling. And it didn’t even need one! I’m already blazing through this in record time because it’s so suspenseful and fascinating.
OH GOD THIS BOOK.
- ”So who did you say is supposed to be meeting us?” Harry asked, wrenching open the rusty top to his butterbeer and taking a swig.
“Just a couple of people,” Hermione repeated, checking her watch and then looking anxiously toward the door. “I told them to be here about now and I’m sure they all know where it is—oh look, this might be them now—“
I know you guys say this to me often. “Mark, you are not prepared.” And most of the time, you’re right. I generally don’t have a clue what’s going on and I’m the kind of person who is genuinely surprised by plot twists. Which is kind of strange, because I’m also the person who remembers small details, has a great memory, and can generally piece things together well. I think a large part of me, though, just tries to enjoy the experience instead of making attempts to figure this shit out.
So this completely caught me off guard:
- First came Neville with Dean and Lavender, who were closely followed by Parvati and Padma Patil with (Harry’s stomach did a back flip) Cho and one of her usually giggling girlfriends, then (on her own and looking so dreamy that she might have walked in by accident) Luna Lovegood; then Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet, and Angelina Johnson, Colin and Dennis Creevey, Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Hannah Abbott, and a Hufflepuff girl with a long plait down her back whose name Harry did not know; three Ravenclaw boys he was pretty sure were called Anthony Goldstein, Michael Corner, and Terry Boot; Ginny, followed by a tall skinny blond boy with an upturned nose whom Harry recognized vaguely as being a member of the Hufflepuff Quiditch team, and bringing up the rear, Fred and George Weasley with their friend Lee Jordan, all three of whom were carrying large paper bags crammed with Zonko’s merchandise.
HOLY. SHIT.
A couple people????? This is virtually every character that’s ever been introduced in the entire series. Oh my god OH WHAT THE FUCK!
Hermione continues to prove she is the most valuable character in this entire series by beginning the meeting and jumping right into the REAL reason they are there.
- ”You want to pass your Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. too though, I bet?” said Michael Corner.
“Of course I do,” said Hermione at once. “But I want more than that, I want to be properly trained in Defense because…because…” She took a great breath and finished, “Because Lord Voldemort’s back.”
The reaction was immediate and predictable. Cho’s friend shrieked and slopped butterbeer down herself, Terry Boot gave a kind of involuntary twitch, Padma Patil shuddered, and Neville gave an odd yelp that he managed to turn into a cough. All of them, however, looked fixedly, even eagerly, at Harry.
Oh man, this is so wild. I love that things are so much more straight up this time around. She gets right to the point. Bless your heart, Hermione.
The students waste no time either; they immediately begin to question the very facts Hermione just presented them, most especially Zacharias Smith, the blond Hufflepuff dude. Harry, however, recognizes this derailment for what it is and quickly pulls things back into perspective:
- ”What makes me say You-Know-Who’s back?” he asked, looking straight in the face. “I saw him. But Dumbledore told the whole school what happened last year, and if you didn’t believe him, you don’t believe me, and I’m not wasting an afternoon trying to convince anyone.”
In your face, haters. Please familiarize yourself with the left-hand evacuation procedure.
All silliness inside, this is a really mature thing for Harry to say, both because he’s willing to remove the attention off of himself and because it’s not easy to be so steadfast in front of so many people.
- ”If you’ve come to hear exactly what it looks like when Voldemort murders someone I can’t help you,” Harry said. His temper, always so close to the surface these days, was rising again. He did not take his eyes from Zachariah Smith’s aggressive face, determined not to look at Cho. “I don’t want to talk about Cedric Diggory, all right? So if that’s what you’re here for, you might as well clear out.”
Oh shit, son, YOU JUST GOT TOLD BY HARRY POTTER.
And then a beautiful thing happens: the people in the small crowd take Harry’s words and begin to ask him questions about the things he’s done over the course of the past four books. The reason I’m so stoked about this part is that it provides Harry with a much-needed boost of his own self-esteem. His teen angst, combined with his history of trauma, is giving him a damaging sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. He slowly begins to smile again and, despite all his attempts to qualify the things he’s done as not-all-that-special, he realizes that it’s actually ok for him to be proud of his accomplishments.
Everyone is still on board at this point when Hermione drops the bomb on everyone to give her theory on why Umbridge is their new teacher: the Ministry is trying to pre-emptively prevent Dumbledore from building an army to overthrow Cornelius Fudge.
And then Luna Lovegood decides she’ll drop an even bigger bomb on all of them.
- Nearly everybody looked stunned at this news; everybody except Luna Lovegood, who piped up, “Well, that makes sense. After all, Cornelius Fudge has got his own private army.”
“What?” said Harry, completely thrown by this unexpected piece of information.”
“Yes, he’s got an army of heliopaths,” said Luna solemnly.
“No, he hasn’t,” snapped Hermione.
“Yes, he has,” said Luna.
“What are heliopaths?” asked Neville, looking blank.
“They’re spirits of fire,” said Luna, her protuberant eyes widening so that she looked madder than ever. “Great tall flaming creatures that gallop across the ground burning everything in front of—“
“They don’t exist, Neville,” said Hermione tartly.
I don’t necessarily believe Luna is 100% correct, but she has brought up a point that’s worth thinking about: wouldn’t it make sense for Fudge to build up a Ministry army just in case?
Oh god, this is not going to end well.
I’m going to skip over the bit where people are hesitant to sign the parchment and swear not to tell Umbridge because something way funnier happens:
- ”I don’t like him [Zacharias] much either,” admitted Hermione, “but he overheard me talking to Ernie and Hannah at the Hufflepuff table and he seemed really interested in coming, so what could I say? But the more people the better really—I mean, Michael Corner and his friends wouldn’t have come if he hadn’t been going out with Ginny—“
Ron, who had been draining the last few drops from his butterbeer bottle, gagged and sprayed butterbeer down his front.
“He’s WHAT?” said Ron, outraged, his ears now resembling curls of raw beef.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD. Oh Ron, your little sister is growing up. This is deeply hilarious to me, guys. Also, do I sense a bit of jealousy from Ron, since she found a partner before he did?
One last thing:
- “And talking about Michael and Ginny…what about Cho and you?”
“What d’you mean?” said Harry quickly.
It was as though boiling water was rising rapidly inside him; a burning sensation that was causing his face to smart in the cold—had he been that obvious?
“Well,” said Hermione, smiling slightly, “she just couldn’t keep her eyes off you, could she?”
Harry had never before appreciated just how beautiful the village of Hogsmeade was.
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Hermione. You are simply the best.
