Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 12

In the twelfth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry’s first day of classes are nothing short of unbearable. Binns bores everyone to death, Snape picks on Harry again and Trelawney is somewhere floating around Jupiter. Again. And then we get a full introduction to Dolores Umbridge and….the world will never be the same. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 12: PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE

OH, JUST FUCK EVERYTHING. Do you know how unbelievably embarrassed I am for that last review? Do you realize how stupid I feel at this very moment for what I wrote?

We are not going to talk about Binns. We are not going to talk about Snape. We are not going to talk about Trelawney. We are not going to talk about how this chapter has suddenly turned into Harry Potter and the Bickering Bickerers.

We are going to talk about Dolores FUCKING Umbridge.

I’ll just start off this way:

FUCK. YOU.

You worthless, authority-obeying, mindless piece of shit. I cannot remember a literary character EVER filling me with this much rage, contempt, and disgust AND GUYS I HAVE READ THE ENTIRE FUCKING TWILIGHT SERIES. I will seriously take the entire four books of Bella whining over EVER reading this fucking BULLSHIT, SHITTY PERSON’S WORDS EVER AGAIN.

(Bravo, Rowling. You have a gift.)

OK BACK TO MY VERY HARRY-ESQUE, ALL-CAPS MANGER. Ok, seriously, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN EXIST IN WORD FORM BURNS MY SOUL AND MAKES ME SUDDENLY BELIEVE THERE IS SOME MALEVOLENT FORCE THAT EXISTS IN THIS WORLD AND IT TOTALLY MADE IT SO THIS CHARACTER WOULD BE REAL.

Oh god, I am so angry that I HAVE NOT EVEN EXPLAINED TO THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ THIS BOOK (which, let’s be honest, is like none of you) WHY I AM SO FILLED WITH RAEG.

• ”I do not wish to criticize the way things have been run in this school,” she said, an unconvincing smile stretching her wide mouth, “but you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards in this class, very irresponsible indeed—not to mention,” she gave a nasty little laugh, “extremely dangerous half-breeds.”

OH, FUCK YOU, YOU DIRTY BIGOT. I cannot wait for the day when the earth opens up and SWALLOWS YOU WHOLE and then celebrates by shooting rainbows in the ski via unicorns and puppies.

I hate you. I hate you for making people raise their hand to speak after deliberately saying inflammatory statements. I hate you for thinking that your students should TOTES BE OK with performing spells ONLY ON THE DAY OF THEIR EXAMS because just reading about them is exactly the same as PRACTICING THEM.

But I hate you most for calling Harry Potter a liar.

You could have called him rude, sanctimonious, immature, and brash, and I probably would have given you a high-five. But this?

• ”I repeat, this is a lie. The Ministry of Magic guarantees that you are not in danger from any Dark wizard. If you are still worried, by all means come and see me outside class hours. If someone is alarming you with fibs about reborn Dark wizards, I would like to hear about it. I am here to help. I am your friend.”

NO. NO YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN THE WORLD. YOU ARE EVEN WORSE THAN MOSQUITOS AND THERE ARE FEW THINGS IN THE WORLD WORST THAN MOSQUITOS AND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM.

I take it back. Harry gets the high-fives.

• ”So, according to you, Cedric Diggory dropped dead of his own accord, did he?” Harry asked, his voice shaking.

I forgive you for everything, Harry. You are my hero.

• ”Cedric Diggory’s death was a tragic accident,” she said coldly.

OH, HELL NO. OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING GO THERE.

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A moment of calm. Ok. I’m breathing. Harry gets sent to McGonagall’s office, where she provides him with a critical bit of reasoning. And a couple of biscuits.

As much as I support Harry boldly and bravely standing up to Umbridge, she has a great point: she obviously reports to Fudge and she obviously has power that he does not. This is not an argument about truth: it’s about Umbridge essentially trolling Potter on purpose.

• ”Didn’t you listen to Dolores Umbridge’s speech at the start-of-term feast, Potter?”

  “Yeah,” said Harry. “Yeah…she said…progress will be prohibited or…well, it meant that…that the Ministry of Magic is trying to interfere with Hogwarts.”

  Professor McGonagall eyed him for a moment, then sniffed, walked around her desk, and held open the door for him.

  “Well, I’m glad you listen to Hermione Granger at any rate,” she said, pointing him out of her office.

And there you go. The best advice one could ever get:

Always listen to Hermione Granger.