Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 11

In the eleventh chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry and his friends finally make their way to Hogwarts via the Hogwarts Express. There, Draco Malfoy makes sure to ruin Ron’s day. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 11: ABOARD THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

You know, despite that I’m moving hundreds of miles north tomorrow morning, I decided to take a peak at Chapter 11 (which I hadn’t read). Ten minutes later, I’d finished and thought WELL HELL, IT’S NOT THAT LONG MIGHT AS WELL REVIEW IT.

Hi guys! Before I dive in, I want to thank you for your patience during my HECTIC WEEK OF CHAOS as I move to Oakland. I would love for nothing more than to be reading/reviewing twice a day, not only to SATISFY MY RABID AUDIENCE but because…dudes, I’m selfish. I want to know what the hell is going on. Will shit get any realer?

So thank you. Things will be much more “normal” next week.

Onward we go!

oh god draco WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY NARRATIVE

Draco Malfoy. Good god, he is so annoying and mean that at this point, I actually spent a brief second thinking, “Wow, wouldn’t it be awesome if the Hogwarts Express derailed over a gorge and Draco fell out an open window and the entire train fell on top of him?”

Then I realized I was wishing death on a fictional character. STOP IT MARK OR YOU WILL SOON BE WRITING FANFICTION.

Chapter 11 is mostly a set-up chapter that provides the reader with more small details about the wizarding world.

Like, for example, wizard’s mode of remote communication:

• Amos Diggory’s head was sitting in the middle of the flames like a large, bearded egg. It was talking very fast, completely unperturbed by the sparks flying around it and the flames licking its ears.

Like…this puts Facetime on the iPhone 4 to complete shame. Why is the Muggle world so stupid? HATE. [WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I USE THE WORD “LAME” jesus i am an ableist fuck THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME OUT ON THIS.]

Mr. Weasley gets called to Ministry work early and doesn’t get to see his family (and Harry/Hermione) off to Hogwarts, and we learn someone named Mad-Eye Moody is responsible for some shenaniganry:

• “He’s retired, he used to work at the Ministry,” said Charlie. “I met him once when Dad took me in to work with him. He was an Auror–one of the best…a Dark wizard catcher,” he added, seeing Harry’s blank look. “Half the cells in Azkaban are full because of him. He made himself loads of enemies, though…the families of people he caught, mainly…and I heard he’s been getting more paranoid in his old age. Doesn’t trust anyone anymore. Sees Dark wizards everywhere.”

First, Mad-Eye Moody sounds like one huge badass. I want to be his friend. Except…now I am sad that he has no friends and does things like blast rubbish bins. 🙁 🙁 🙁

But then PEOPLE ARE REALLY WEIRD ABOUT SOME MYSTERIOUS THING AND I AM GETTING REALLY SICK OF NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON 🙁 🙁 🙁

• “I might be seeing you all sooner than you think,” said Charlie, grinning, as he hugged Ginny good-bye.

  “Why?” said Fred keenly.

  “You’ll see,” said Charlie. “Just don’t tell Percy I mentioned it…it’s ‘classified information, until such time as the Ministry sees fit to release it,’ after all.”

  “Yeah, I sort of wish I were back at Hogwarts this year,” said Bill, hands in his pockets, looking almost wistfully at the train.

  “Why?” said George impatiently.

  “You’re going to have an interesting year,” said Bill, his eyes twinkling. “I might even get time off to come and watch a bit of it….”

  “A bit of what?” said Ron.

  But at that moment, the whistle blew, and Mrs. Weasley chivvied them toward the train doors.

good god why why why why why WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON oh goooooooodddddddddd

So let’s get to Draco. Oh fuck, Draco.

• “…Father actually considered sending me to Durmstrang rather than Hogwarts, you know. He knows the headmaster, you see. Well, you know his opinion of Dumbledore–the man’s such a Mudblood-lover–and Durmstrang doesn’t admit that sort of riffraff. But Mother didn’t like the idea of me going to school far away. Father says Durmstrang takes a far more sensible line than Hogwarts about the Dark Arts. Durmstrang students actually learn them, not just the defense rubbish we do…”

Then why don’t you marry Durmstrang, Draco?

I swear, I know some of you like Draco or at least you ~understand~ him, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. So, in the meantime, I’ll just wish that Draco dies in all the fires.

• “Ah, think of the possibilities,” said Ron dreamily. “It would’ve been so easy to push Malfoy off a glacier and make it look like an accident….Shame his mother likes him….”

Or that. I’ll just imagine this. (Love you, Ron.)

• “Don’t tell me you don’t know?” he said delightfully. “You’ve got a father and a brother at the Ministry and you you don’t even know? My God, my father told me about it ages ago…heard it from Cornelius Fudge. But then, Father’s always associated with the top people at the Ministry….Maybe your Father’s too junior to know about it, Weasley…yes…they probably don’t talk about important stuff in front of him….”

oh my god WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

But one thing can make this all better:

• “Hi Hagrid!” Harry yelled, seeing a gigantic silhouette at the far end of the platform.

  “All righ’, Harry?” Hagrid bellowed back, waving. “See yeh at the feast if we don’ drown!”

Oh god, Hagrid, you make everything ok.