7 Things That Will Definitely Happen to Lindsay Lohan In Jail

IN PRISON.

If you haven’t heard, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to jail. She apparently violated the terms of her probation and that’s a no no. Here’s a photo I “found” on the internet –

You can read the real story on TMZ by clicking this little linky here.

Anyway, I hear that prison is like vacation for trouble makers. Not really. I don’t mean to make light of the situation but I mean really. All she had to do was attend her AA meetings or whatever and she couldn’t even do that. The strange thing about prison is that it makes you realize a lot of weird things about yourself that you would’ve never realized unless you were there. Hopefully Lindsay changes for the better after her prison stint and comes back out more awesome than when she went in.

Here’s a list of things in no particular order that I predict will happen to Lindsay while she is in jail –

1. GET A TATTOO

Getting a tattoo in prison is a defining moment. Not only does it make you tough, it also makes you impervious to things like Strep and Hep C. The quality of tattoos in prison varies. I mean you get what you pay for. Trading a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, apple sauce, and a pack of menthols only goes so far when you are being tattooed with a guitar sting from the rec room, a spoon, and a battery.

That’s deep, Lindsay.

2. HER LIPS DEFLATE LIKE HER EGO

Lindsay is going to be sans Botox for a prolonged period of time and we all know what that means. She’ll go from this:

back to this:

.. and Lindsay, that’s ok. It’s ok to not have lips that look like you kissed a hot plate in science class on a dare.

3. DEVELOPS AN AFFINITY TOWARD ARTS & CRAFTS

With all Lindsay’s new “me” time, something’s gotta give other than her bad habits. She needs to refocus all her problems and harness the power of the mighty MACARONI NOODLE to make the following ART –

It’s that or mastering the art of the God’s Eye

You can do it, Lindsay! Once you get sober and stop seeing multiple versions of the same thing, arts and crafts are a sinch!

5. LEARNS HOW TO CLEAN TOILETS (AND OTHER PRACTICAL SKILLS)

Prisons don’t clean themselves. Not only is Lindsay going to learn how to clean a toilet with her tears and a toothbrush, she’s going to learn how to cook, wash dishes, and mop like no one’s business.

6. FINDS RELIGION, GETS SAVED

Prison is like some street cred version of seminary school. I am not even going to start on this, but let’s just say that Lindsay actually finds Jesus or whatever while she’s IN THE HOLE. You know, because you need something to justify your bad behaviour and make sense of the world.

7. RESOLVES INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION ISSUES USING ONLY QUOTES FROM MEAN GIRLS.

If you think about it, prison is a lot like Mean Girls except you solve your problems with a shank and people will trade you for a pack of Virginia Slims. Oh and there’s a lights out time. Lindsay is going to make her time in prison mean something by solving all the problems in her cell block by using quotes from Mean Girls. This means that everyone is going to do trust exercises, eat lots of Kalteen Bars to bulk up in the Weight Yard, and everyone will get Candy Canes from Santa with secret speshul notes during the Christmas.

I hope Lindsay Lohan is on the road to recovery and that her time in the pokey is spent wising up, realizing that she is still awesome, and that her parents are horrible people.