Tacky Twilight Thursdays, Eclipse Edition: Companion Books

What’s worse than a terrible series of poorly-written but somehow best-selling novels?

The companion books to said series.

Now, books like this aren’t uncommon. I mean, there’s a ton of guides to series that I absolutely love, including Harry Potter and Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. And not all of those companion books are high quality. Hell, some of the Buffy tie-in novels are just terrible.

But those were things based on a mostly solid series that didn’t put all of it’s metaphors on the surface. I’m trying to figure out why you have to dig for meaning in Twilight, since Stephenie Meyer doesn’t even try to disguise her messages. Actually, she pretty much beats them into your head so hard I’m kind of shocked none of her readers have sued her for assault with a literary brick.

But still, Twilight is a cash cow and lots of people want a taste of that milk.

Some of this stuff is official. Like the Twilight Graphic Novel, which directly retells the story of the first book, but with pretty pictures.

I completely legally (wink wink, nudge nudge) obtained a copy of this, to see if the story were better without Smeyer’s constant telling-not-showing when it comes to writing. And you know what? It’s not. The artwork is gorgeous, but that doesn’t change the fact that the character and the story both, well, suck.

And I don’t mean that as a cute vampire pun.

But still, that’s the same author retelling her same story. What about other authors trying to talk about said story?

Wait. MY favorite authors talk about the Twilight series? REALLY? So, Neil Gaiman, William Gibson and Margaret Atwood all commented on Twilight? And, I mean, how did you even get Charlotte Perkins Gilman to comment on it? One, I don’t think she’s read it and two, she’s been dead for a pretty long time.

Oh, wait. You don’t mean My favorite authors. You mean people Stephenie has given positive quotes to splash on their novels in order to sell them. And hmmm…lemme guess who’s involved.

Yep, Cassandra Clare’s included. Guess I can’t blame her for wanting to associate with Stephenie Meyer. It’s better than being known as a plagarist, isn’t it?

But hey, enough about those people. Let’s focus on the folks talking about Twilight‘s DEEPER meaning. Those hidden messages it’s concealing.

About Jesus.

All four of these books are basically Christian witnessing guides to Twilight. Which is utterly ridiculous, since Twilight itself is a Mormon Witnessing Guide. While these books might lay out the idea that Bella (and every girl just like her) searching for Edward’s love is really Bella (and every girl just like her) searching for Jesus, the truth is, Stebella Meyerswann really wants to get it on with Edward Joseph Smith Abstinence Metaphor Cullen.

Want something deep but non religious? Well, look here!

This book actually contains an essay comparing Bella to Sarah Palin. But you know what? It also actually contains an essay that full out says “Edward Cullen is a freaky stalker creep and there’s nothing romantic about that.”

Okay, that’s it. As Doug from The State would say? “I’m outta heeeeeeere.” I need a vacation.

Oh great. A travel guide to locations from the Twilight series.

Gee, I wish there was a specific one for just Forks!

Okay, to be honest? I think it’s really cool that Twilight has been helping the tourist industry/economy in Forks. The country is in the middle of a time where making money isn’t the easiest thing, so I think a town that’s found a way to leverage this whole Twilight thing into a way to make money? That’s pretty awesome.

Even if the Twilight books still suck.

All this talk about travel is making me hungry. I better cook something fast! And look, I’ve got just the thing to help me!

The Twilight Cookbook! There’s a bunch of Italian recipes (cause, you know…ITALY. And Isabella is an Italian name. Or something), but also some thematic stuff. I couldn’t get my hands on a copy to read myself, but luckily, some other Twilight sites have reposted a few of the recipes.

“Cold Ones” Love Potion

• 10oz Wild Cherry Pepsi
• 2oz Chocolate Sauce
• Whipped Cream

Combine Wild Cherry Pepsi and Chocolate sauce and mix well. Pour over ice and serve. Liquid yield 12oz. Suggested glassware: 22oz Tumbler.

TASTY!

But the BEST part of this one? Is the author replying to negative reviews of the book on Amazon.com. When a reviewer said they checked it out of the local library and found it largely disappointing and full of typos and suggested Amazon no longer carry it because of the low quality, the author felt besmirched and replied:

This book is not available in or on the library system, therefore the comment that you picked up at the library is false. There is a remote possibility that a book was donated to the library, in which case you are fortunate to have had the fortitude and interest to check it out from cyber space and even more fortunate to have had the opportunity to critique and criticize a book that if it actually was found in the library, you had the time to review and cook the recipes. I universe stands by their books and their authors. Your comments sound more like a jealous individual than a person that has actually purchased this book. Your recommendation to amazon that they not stock this book, sounds like sour grapes, which is not a recipe found in the book. Grow up and be happy for authors who actually spend their time accomplishing something for the world, and less time downing others. Your condemning of a book that isn’t even available at the library is ridiculous. I will see to it that your true identity is shown, so others who work hard won’t have your rudeness to look forward to!

I would like to point out that the Carnegie Library System in Pittsburgh has two copies of this book currently in circulation.

BEST ITEM OF THE WEEK

I CANNOT believe I’m saying this, but…

Smeyer’s new novella, based on the evil vampires from Eclipse, takes the cake this week. Why? Because she’s

A) made it available to read online for a limited time

and

B) $1 from every physical copy of the book sold (and let’s face it, a lot of Twihards will buy copies of this book, even if it’s free online) will go towards the American Red Cross to help with relief efforts in Haiti.

As much as I rip on Stephenie Meyer (and feel like proceeds from Breaking Dawn should have gone towards women’s shelters), I have to applaud her using her fame and following to do something like this. There you go, Stephenie Meyer. I have said something NICE about you. Can we please pretend this never happened?

WORST ITEM OF THE WEEK: …this has got to be the worst effing book title I’ve ever seen.

Blood Rivals: Vampire vs. Werewolf: Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner: The Biography.

If you need FOUR colons in your book title? IT IS TOO LONG.

Tune in next week where I scour the web for the worst of the Eclipse tie-in merch. And of course, in two weeks, our grand finale: Hot Topic’s Eclipse exclusives.