Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 9

In the ninth chapter of Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, Harry, Ron, and Hermione narrowly escape Filch’s wratch, but Hogwarts learns that someone (or something?) petrified Mrs. Norris. Our favorite heroes, not content to just let things be, go on an expedition to learn what’s happening and all signs seem to point to Draco Malfoy. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 9: THE WRITING ON THE WALL

First, I have to open this review with this amazing quote from Lockhart in this chapter:

  • “It was definitely a curse that killed her–probably the Transmogrifian Torture–I’ve seen it used so many times, so unlucky I wasn’t there, I know the very countercurse that would have saved her….”

klsadf;lkjasdf;lasd IT’S LIKE MY LOCKHART REVIEW IS CANON. Oh god what a douche.

There’s a lot to discuss in chapter 9, so let’s get right down to it.

  • The photographs of Lockhart on the walls were all nodding in agreement as he talked.

my god could you be anymore of a douche

  • “He did it, he did it!” Filch spat, his pouchy face purpling. “You saw what he wrote on the wall! He found–in my office–he knows I’m a–I’m a–” Filch’s face worked horribly. “He knows I’m a Squib!” he finished.

Yeah, he probably doesn’t because that is a made up word.

And then…Snape. Oh god, Snape. I definitely don’t hate him anymore. If anything, I just want to know what the hell is up with him.

He begins grilling Harry, Ron, and Hermione about why they were in the upstairs corridor at all (they say that they were tired after the Deathday party) and Snape wonders why they didn’t just go to the Halloween festival.

  • “Without any supper?” said Snape, a triumphant smile flickering across his gaunt face. “I didn’t think ghosts provided food fit for living people at their parties.”

    “We weren’t hungry,” said Ron loudly as his stomach gave a huge rumble.

    Snape’s nasty smile widened.

    “I suggest, Headmaster, that Potter is not being entirely truthful,” he said. “It might be a good idea if he were deprived of certain privileges until he is ready to tell us the whole story. I personally feel he should be taken off the Gryffindor Quidditch team until he is ready to be honest.”

COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS, SNAPE?

  • “We will be able to cure her, Argus,” said Dumbledore patiently. “Professor Sprout recently managed to procure some Mandrakes. As soon as they have reached their full size, I will have a potion made that will revive Mrs. Norris.”

    “I’ll make it,” Lockhart butted in. “I must have done it a hundred times. I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep–“

    “Excuse me,” said Snape icily. “But I believe I am the Potions master at this school.”

    There was a very awkward pause.

Awkward indeed! Holy shit. I’m glad someone else is finally annoyed by Lockhart.

Oh, and Ron supplies us with the definition of a Squib, which is not what I expected.

  • “A Squib is someone who was born into a Wizarding family but hasn’t got any magic powers. Kind of the opposite of Muggle-born wizards, but Squibs are quite unusual. If Filch’s trying to learn magic from a Kwikspell course, I reckon he must be a Squib. It would explain a lot. Like why he hates students so much.” Ron gave a satisfied smile. “He’s bitter.”

Poor Filch. 🙁 🙁 🙁

  • “But you haven’t really got to know Mrs. Norris,” Ron told her bracingly. “Honestly, we’re much better off without her.” Ginny’s lip trembled. “Stuff like this doesn’t often happen at Hogwarts,” Ron assured her. “They’ll catch the maniac who did it and have him out of here in no time. I just hope he’s got time to Petrify Filch before he’s expelled. I’m only joking–” Ron added hastily as Ginny blanched.

Clearly Ron Weasley is the best fictional character of all time.

I read a lot of comments from you guys that this is generally regarded as people’s least favorite HP novel, especially since it mirrors the events of the first one so much. But I’m kind of digging it so far, because now we’ve reached the part in the narrative where our main characters’ curiosity has been sparked.

Not content to simply allow the world to happen around them, I really love how much Harry, Ron, and Hermione are willing to risk their own wellbeing or comfort in order to simply learn more about Hogwarts and the world of magic. In this case, the events of Mrs. Norris’ petrification spawns this same desire in Hermione, who is desperate to find out what exactly is the Chamber of Secrets.

I knew we were due for some back story on both Hogwarts and whatever links this Chamber to the present. I’ve got to applaud J.K. Rowling for the ingenius method of disseminating this information to us, by using Professor Binns (who teaches the History of Magic) to expand on the history of Hogwarts.

I am personally enthralled by history and I always loved those classes in high school and college. But there’s something about history teachers that always leave a bad taste in my mouth. I have rarely, if ever, had an awesome history teacher. So listening to Professor Binns drone on and on was deeply hilarious to me.

  • He had been speaking for half an hour when something happened that had never happened before. Hermione put up her hand.

    Professor Binns, glancing up in the middle of a deadly dull lecture on the International Warlock Convention of 1289, looked amazed.

    “Miss–er–“

    “Granger, Professor. I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Secrets,” said Hermione in a clear voice.

omg I love you so deeply, Hermione.

As Hermione presses Professor Binns more on the issue, he launches into a bit of history about how Hogwarts was founded and where the four houses came from. (There’s no explanation as to why each house has a specific personality type attached to it, but it’s still more info than I expected.)

Thankfully, there’s a great deal of info about Slytherin that I find interesting:

  • “A rift began to grow between Slytherin and the others. Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed that magical learning should be kept within all-magic families. He disliked taking students of Muggle parentage, believing them to be untrustworthy. After a while, there was a serious argument on the subject between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and Slytherin left the school.”

Ah, Mugglism. Now we know where it came from and that, from the start, it was always unbelievably irrational.

This does bring up a few questions, though. If Slytherin produce more Dark Arts wizards and witches than any other house, why do they keep it around? Why are such doltbags allowed to learn magic and, possibility-wise, then use it to become evil? If Slytherin has a history of catering to Mugglists (LOL), why hasn’t a school that is officially accepting of all types of students addressed this with that house?

We know that Draco’s father, Lucius, is a stone-cold racist shitbag. Draco, by that fortune, is a product of his environment. He’s been taught that those who aren’t pure-blooded are indeed inferior to him. What I’m interested to see is how this will relate to him coming to terms with wizards and witches who prove they aren’t inferior to him in the coming books.

Anyway, on to other developments. Professor Binns doesn’t believe that there is actually a secret chamber that Slytherin built, which can only be opened by the next Slytherin heir, that contains a monster that will destroy Hogwarts, but something ends up bothering Harry. And I cheer because I love complicated characters:

  • Harry had never told Ron and Hermione that the Sorting Hat had seriously considered putting him in Slytherin He could remember, as though it were yesterday, the small voice that had spoken in his ear when he’d placed the hat on his head a year before: You could be great, you know, it’s all here in your head, and Slytherin would help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that….

    But Harry, who had already heard of Slytherin House’s reputation for turning out Dark wizards, had thought desperately, Not Slytherin! and the hat had said, Oh, well, if you’re sure…better be Gryffindor….

Look, I don’t even care if this is basically ripped out of Star Wars, THIS IS FANTASTIC. (Think about it. A character with a mysterious past might be destined for the good side or the dark side AND NEVER QUITE KNOWS UNTIL THE END. dun dun dun)

I’m going to fast-forward a bit because I need to talk about this. But Ron, Harry, and Hermione do a bit of exploring where Mrs. Norris was turned to….hard kitty? Whatever. And they go inside the girl’s restroom, where Moaning Myrtle haunts the toilets. (no, LITERALLY). Point being, Percy, the perfect Weasley, catches them. And he acts weird. Again.

  • Percy Weasley had stopped dead at the head of the stairs, prefect badge agleam, an expression of complete shock on his face.

    “That’s a girls’ bathroom!” he gasped. “What were you–?”

    “Just having a look around,” Ron shrugged. “Clues, you know–“

    Percy swelled in a manner that reminded Harry forcefully of Mrs. Weasley.

    “Get–away–from–there–” Percy said, striding toward them and starting to bustle them along, flapping his arms. “Don’t you care what this looks like? Coming back here while everyone’s at dinner–“

    “Why shouldn’t we be here?” said Ron hotly, stoping short and glaring at Percy. “Listen, we never laid a finger on that cat!”

    “That’s what I told Ginny,” said Percy fiercely, “but she still seems to think you’re going to be expelled I’ve never seen her so upset, crying her eyes out, you might think of her, all the first years are thoroughly overexcited by this business–“

    “You don’t care about Ginny, said Ron, whose ears were now reddening. “You’re just worried I’m going to mess up your chance of being Head Boy–“

    “Five points from Gryffindor!” Percy said tersely, fingering his prefect badge. “And I hope it teaches you a lesson! No more detective work, or I’ll write to Mum!”

    And he strode off, the back of his neck as red as Ron’s ears.

Ok, first of all, can he take points from his own house?

Secondly, WHAT IS UP WITH PERCY? He’s been acting weird this whole book. Wait DON’T TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Two more things. First, the ending of the chapter made me laugh. Our heroes wonder if the “heir” to Slytherin is actually Draco, so Hermione comes up with a slightly amazing/genius plan to use Polyjuice to trick Draco. Polyjuice actually transforms a person (temporarily) into someone else, but getting the potion recipe is easier said than done.

  • “I think,” said Hermione, “that if we made it sound as though we were just interested in the theory, we might stand a chance…”

    “Oh, come on, no teacher’s going to fall for that,” said Ron. “They’d have to be really thick….”

CALLING IT NOW. Gilderoy Lockhart.

And now, your dose of “The Most Depressing Sentence(s) in the English Language,” courtesy of J.K. Rowling:

  • “I wasn’t paying attention,” said Myrtle dramatically. “Peeves upset me so much I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I’m–that I’m–”

    “Already dead,” said Ron helpfully.

JESUS we should all commit ritual suicide y/y