Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 4

In the fourth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry learns a new method of wizard travel and in the process, ends up in the parallel to Diagon Alley: Knockturn Alley. There, he learns what an unsufferable lot the Malfoys are and then….DRAMA. MAD DRAMA. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

This is just so terribly exciting, guys.

Much to my CHAGRIN (lol lol lol jk I WILL NEVER USE THAT AGAIN), I’m still reading this chapter-by-chapter. Look, I’m a bookworm. Do you realize how insanely hard it is for me to read 10-20 pages at a time and NOT READ ANY MORE FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS. Also this is the most annoying first world tragedy of all time.

But thinking back on my experience with The Sorcerer’s Stone, I’m glad I didn’t read ahead before writing (or at least planning out) what my reviews would be. I can’t imagine how boring it would have been to know the endgame of that first novel before I got there.

That being said, I’m also coming to the realization that this project…it’s going to take me a long time. Like…I won’t finish until summer of next year. Guys, next year, I hope to be ON ANOTHER PLANET OR SOMETHING and not reading a book in an office with a wilty apple sitting on my desk, staring at me, JUDGING ME.

No seriously. It’s judging me.

Something is wrong with me.

So here’s a **TEMPORARY** plan I think I’ll be able to execute. I actually enjoying reading this. So I’m gonna try to bust out a few chapters on the weekend so that I can publish more than one a day during the weekday.

DID YOUR HEAD EXPLODE because mine might.

It would be pretty awesome to finish the entire series right before the first half of the final movie came out. Yes? Yes? Y/Y?

So, until that happens, let’s carry on with today’s review.

CHAPTER 4: AT FLOURISH AND BLOTTS

There’s one thing I suppose I…miss?….from reviewing Twilight. Twilight was so terrible that it allowed me to share with you guys thoughts about how I saw the world. All the exciting transphobia, defense of abuse…ah, it was so great to be able to talk about these things! And yet…J.K. Rowling simply isn’t wanky enough to allow me to act as a faux-intellectual rant on-and-on talk about important stuff.

Today, that changes. And it’s not even for a negative reason!

Before I get into the heart of it, I really liked this line:

  • What Harry found most unusual about life at Ron’s, however, wasn’t the talking mirror or the clanking ghoul: It was the fact that everybody there seemed to like him.

why don’t you just pull my heart out and crush it, Rowling.

We can use the comments to discuss any number of wonderful things that happen in Chapter 4. Gilderoy Lockhart. The reunion of Hermione and Harry. Ginny going to Hogwarts and being really strange and weird. Errol being amazing and hilarious. How delicately Rowling treats the Weasley’s lower class living. Knockturn Alley!!!!

Today we’re going to talk about the Malfoys.

Draco Malfoy is on the top of my list of People Who Should Die In A Fire. And maybe I’ll share that list with you eventually, but just know he’s at the top of it.

I think it’s pretty neat how quickly we are meeting other character’s families. (Chapter 4 also has the Grangers.) But I definitely experienced some MANRAEG upon meeting Mr. Lucius Malfoy, Draco’s father.

SO: Harry ends up in Knockturn Alley, which is the alley next to Diagon Alley and focuses entirely on the Dark Arts. (Stupid Floo powder!) After ending up in a magical shop he’s not supposed to be in, he hides inside a cabinet as he sees Draco Malfoy start to come inside this very shop, which allows him to overhear a conversation between Draco, Lucius, and the owner of the shop.

Truthfully, I’m excited to see how Rowling deals with what I’m calling “Mugglism.”

First, let’s discover what a scumbag Lucius Malfoy is:

  • “You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids,” said Mr. Malfoy, taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket and unraveling it for Mr. Borgin to read. “I have a few–ah–items at home that might embarrass me, if the Ministry were to call…”

    Mr. Borgin fixed a pair of pince-nez to his nose and looked down the list.

    “The Ministry wouldn’t presume to trouble you, sir, surely?”

    Mr. Malfoy’s lip curled.

    “I have not been visited yet. The name Malfoy still commands a certain respect, yet the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome. There are rumors about a new Muggle Protection Act–no doubt that fela-bitten, Muggle-loving fool Arthur Weasley is behind it–“

SO MUCH TO PROCESS. Shall we?

We didn’t really need the confirmation that the Malfoys are evil sons-of-bitches, but there it is. Housing illegal items in their home! (Not that breaking the law = evil, BUT IT IS THE MALFOYS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT, AMIRITE?

There’s a hint of the wizard superiority/wizard pureblood deal when Mr. Malfoy says his family name “commands a certain respect,” and then there’s MUGGLISM.

It’s made obvious that Arthur Weasley is not only fascinated by Muggles from a professional standpoint, he also doesn’t seem to make the same mistake most privileged people do: he doesn’t “other” Muggles. (And as far as I’m concerned, being a wizard/witch is a privilege, so we’ll just run with that from here on out.) He’s incredibly accepting of Muggles in a genuine, sincere way and, even more importantly, it appears he’s doing what he can to protect them from exercises of privilege from the magic community. (If he indeed is attempting to pass a Muggle Protection Act.)

Jesus….did I just turn Harry Potter into a thesis about privilege and power?

Sorry. I can’t help but think of the world in these terms. But it’s a quality that makes Arthur Weasley (and the entire Weasley family, by extension), such a great part of this book.

But let’s get to some douchebaggery:

  • “I hope my son will amount to more than a thief or a plunderer, Borgin,” said Mr. Malfoy coldly, and Mr. Borgin said quickly, “No offense, sir, no offense meant–”

    “Though if his grades don’t pick up,” said Mr. Malfoy, more coldly still, “that may indeed be all he is fit for–“

    “It’s not my fault,” retorted Draco. “The teachers all have favorites, that Hermione Granger–“

    “I would have thought you’d be ashamed that a girl of no wizard family beat you in every exam,” snapped Mr. Malfoy.

oh.

no.

you.

didn’t.

It’s a two-pronged attack of bigotry! There’s the subtext of OH NO MALFOY A SILLY GIRL BEAT YOU and then the whole NON WIZARD FAMILYS ARE DIRTY, FILTHY PEOPLE.

it’s so relevant, isn’t it? I mean, I knew people in high school whose parents were mad that a Mexican kid like me beat their kid to the top of my class. (BOOYAH, YOU STUPID BIGOTS.) And how many people do you know who think non-pure or mixed race people are bastardizations?

Hopefully you don’t know any. I’ve known many of them. Ah, racism, you are a pervasive thing.

  • “It’s the same all over,” said Mr. Borgin, in his oily voice. “Wizard blood is counting for less everywhere–”

    “Not with me,” said Mr. Malfoy, his long nostrils flaring.

    “No, sir, not with me, sir,” said Mr. Borgin, with a deep bow.

Doesn’t this also sound familiar? MAN, OUR NEIGHBORHOODS ARE LESS SAFE THESE DAYS. MAN, NO ONE CARES ABOUT PRIDE OR COUNTRY OR HERITAGE THESE DAYS. MAN, I’M A DOUCHEBAG.

It’s the familiar cry of a particular group who has used their privilege to maintain power over the unprivileged group and is suddenly discovering their power is dissolving. SUCKS TO BE YOU wait no it doesn’t because you’ve always had power I’M GLAD I’M NOT YOU.

  • “Busy time at the Ministry, I hear,” said Mr. Malfoy. “All those raids…I hope they’re paying you overtime?”

    He reached into Ginny’s cauldron and extracted, from amid the glossy Lockhart books, a very old, very battered copy of A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration.

    “Obviously not,” Mr. Malfoy said. “Dear me, what’s the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don’t even pay you well for it?”

…………………………………………………..

So the Malfoy’s aren’t just bigots, Mugglists, purists, and douchebags….they’re classist fools, too. GREAT. AWESOME.

  • “We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy,” he said.

    “Clearly,” said Mr. Malfoy, his pale eyes straying to Mr. and Mrs. Granger [THEY ARE A MUGGLE FAMILY], who were watching apprehensively. “The company you keep, Weasley…and I thought your family could sink no lower–“

HOLY.

SHIT.

I can’t wait to see how this turns out.