Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 2

In the second chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, we’re introduced to the first new character of the second installment in the series: Dobby. It’s hard to pinpoint precisely what makes Dobby so annoying: it could be his inability to communicate directly, his unfortunate way of talking, or his willingness to ruin everything. Oh, and he ruins pretty much everything during the Dursley’s important dinner. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 2: DOBBY’S WARNING

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m pretty keen to the Star Wars series. (THE FIRST THREE FILMS ONLY but I will get to that in a second). I’m not as…obsessed as I was as a child, but it’s a large part of my childhood. I grew up as a kid who was completely in love with science fiction, with horror, with fantasy. I’m sure I could write a novel about how this translated to my quest to “escape” the upbringing that I lived, but let’s instead focus on something else: non-human characters.

I did find it slightly odd that non-human characters existed in sci-fi and fantasy worlds and magically were able to speak English. I mean…that’s kind of an absurd concept, right? They already speak whatever language their native species uses to communicate, and then they have to learn another one? LOOK I KNOW I AM ALREADY THINKING ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH, SO JUST IGNORE MY WANKERY BECAUSE THERE’S A POINT HERE.

Dobby, who we’re introduced to in chapter 2, is one of those characters. He’s an elf. But he’s not just any elf. He’s an amalgamation of two characters from the Star Wars universe:

That’s right, Harry Potter fans. Dobby is Yoda and Jar Jar Binks. Only he’s more Jar Jar Binks. Which means he’s annoying. Actually, not really annoying. More like, “completely unbearable.”

Dobby shows up in Harry’s bedroom and immediately begins babbling nonsense. (Jar Jar Binks.) He also does this in third person. (Jar Jar Binks AND Yoda.) And he also does this by reordering words in his spoken sentences, in complete opposition to basic syntax.

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Holy god, this is probably all intentional and Rowling is probably a genius, but every sentence made my skin crawl.

• “Oh, yes, sir,” said Dobby earnestly. “Dobby has come to tell you, sir…it is difficult, sir…Dobby wonders where to begin…”

Dobby should just SPEAK NORMALLY.

• Dobby shook his head. Then, without warning, he leapt up and started banging his head furiously on the window, shouting, “Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!”

oh you are even more annoying than Jar Jar Binks.

• “Oh, no, sir, no…Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir. Dobby will have to shut his ears in the oven door for this. If they ever knew, sir–“

Dobby should crawl in the oven and die in a fire.

• “Harry Potter is valiant and bold! He has braved so many dangers already! But Dobby has come to protect Harry Potter, to warn him, even if he does have to shut his ears in the oven door later…Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.”

ARE YOU SERIOUS. Harry is living in a WAR ZONE run by TYRANNICAL CHILD ABUSERS and you want him to STAY AT HOME.

I’m intrigued. Tell me more, Dobby.

• “No, no, no,” squeaked Dobby, shaking his head so hard his ears flapped. “Harry Potter must stay where he is safe. He is too great, too good, to lose. If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be in mortal danger.”

OK BUT WHY

• “There is a plot, Harry Potter. A plot to make most terrible things happen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year,” whispered Dobby, suddenly trembling all over. “Dobby has known it for months, sir. Harry Potter must not put himself in peril. He is too important, sir!”

OK BUT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

• Dobby made a funny choking noise and then banged his head frantically against the wall.

YOU ARE LIKE AN UNSUFFERABLE CHILD. Also, please remember that Uncle Vernon just ordered Harry to pretend like he doesn’t exist and this is certainly the complete opposite of that.

• And before Harry could stop him, Dobby bounded off the bed, seized Harry’s desk lamp, and started beating himself around the head with earsplitting yelps.

oh my god ARE YOU LIKE A NEUROTIC PUPPY what is happening

Oh, that’s right. Dobby is ruining absolutely everything.

• “Friends who don’t even write to Harry Potter?” said Dobby slyly.

  “I expect they’ve been–wait a minute,” said Harry, frowning. “How do you know my friends haven’t been writing to me?”

  Dobby shuffled his feet.

  “Harry Potter mustn’t be angry with Dobby. Dobby did it for the best–“

  “Have you been stopping my letters?”

  “Dobby has them here, sir,” said the elf. Stepping nimbly out of Harry’s reach, he pulled a thick wad of envelopes from the inside of the pillowcase he was wearing. Harry could make out Hermione’s neat writing, Ron’s untidy scrawl, and even a scribble that looked as though it was from the Hogwarts gamekeeper, Hagrid.

First things first:

<33333333333333333333333333333 omg Hermione and Ron and HAGRID omg <33333333333333333

Now, on to other things:

DOBBY WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU THE WORST THING TO EVER EXIST EVER

oh what’s that you are going to make things worse this is not possible

• “Harry Potter will have them, sir, if he gives Dobby his word that he will not return to Hogwarts. Ah, sir, this is a danger you must not face! Say you won’t go back, sir!”

  “No!” said Harry angrily. “Give me back my friends’ letters!”

  “Then Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice,” said the elf sadly.

  Before Harry could move, Dobby had darted to the bedroom door, pulled it open, and sprinted down the stairs.

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

• Harry ran up the hall into the kitchen and felt his stomach disappear.

  Aunt Petunia’s masterpiece of a pudding, the mountain of cream and sugared violets, was floating up near the ceiling. On top of a cupboard in the corner crouched Dobby.

  “No,” croaked Harry. “Please…they’ll kill me…”

  “Harry Potter must say he’s not going back to school–“

  “Dobby…please…”

  “Say it, sir–“

  “I can’t–“

  Dobby gave him a tragic look.

  “Then Dobby must do it, sir, for Harry Potter’s own good.”

  The pudding fell to the floor with a heart-stopping crash. Cream splattered the windows and walls as the dish shattered. With a crack like a whip, Dobby vanished.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I actually don’t even understand this. Isn’t it going to motivate Harry even more to get out of the Dursleys house? Because then we learn that Hedwig has gotten out and she then a Ministry barn owl drops off a letter from the Ministry of Magic. They’ve detected that magic was used in a Muggle household by an underage wizard. Which means that Uncle Vernon learns that Harry isn’t supposed to use magic. Which means he then CONSTRUCTS AN ACTUAL PRISON IN HARRY’S ROOM BY BARRING THE WINDOWS AND FITTING THE DOOR WITH A CAT-FLAP FOR FOOD.

Ok, if the Dursleys paranoia and abusive tendencies were exaggerated in the first chapter, now they’re completely over the top. I just don’t get anything anymore.

• He opened his eyes. Moonlight was shining through the bars on the window. And someone was goggling through the bars at him: a freckle-faced, red-haired, long-nosed someone.

  Ron Weasley was outside Harry’s window.

FUCK YES LET’S HAVE A RON WEASLEY PARTY IN THE COMMENTS BECAUSE RON WEASLEY IS HERE!!!!!