Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 9

In the ninth chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, EVERYTHING IS PRETTY AWESOME. There’s a class on broom flying and Malfoy is a TOTAL ASSWIPE but Harry Potter stands up to him and SORT OF WINS. Then he’s recruited to be SOME IMPORTANT POSITION for a SPORT THAT IS REALLY AMBIGUOUS. And Malfoy gets all TOTES MASC and challenges Harry to a MIDNIGHT DUEL and then everything gets REALLY WEIRD AND SUSPENSEFUL. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 9: THE MIDNIGHT DUEL

Is it strange that my reviews are full of less wank this time around?

I think a lot of what inspired my alternate narratives and CAPSLOCK RANTS was based on things that offended or angered me or triggered my brain vomits to spill forth onto my blog posts. I’m not in the business of waxing philosophically about such things, but I noticed how less…angry I am? And I mean this for my life outside of Buzznet as well. I can’t tell you how many times I left work with a migraine that I’m pretty sure was specifically induced from reading all the bullshit in Twilight.

I don’t think Harry Potter is perfect. (Yet.) It’s a kid’s book. The writing isn’t life-changing and it’s pretty silly at times. But sometimes I wonder if I like this so much specifically because I read it after Twilight.

Except…then I read this chapter. And I decided it’s just not possible. Because JESUS SHIT FUCK THIS IS AWESOME.

• Flying lessons would be starting on Thursday–and Gryffindor and Slytherin would be learning together.

Can I just say how much I love that Rowling just jumps into this world? It’s very…British of her. American pop literature, TV, and film is, generally, so dependent on this weird sense of realism that actually isn’t very realistic. We demand things be explained to us. We demand rational reasons for why things happen the way they do. Look at horror movies, most specially the recent batch of remakes. We’re big fans of long, extended flashbacks to give a character backstory or to explain why weird shit is happening.

Rowling doesn’t do this. And despite that Harry comes from a Muggle world where none of this weird magic nonsense is “real,” he also does something an American character might never do:

He just accepts it.

Even from a storytelling prospect, I find it far more fascinating when characters are dropped into a world that’s unrecognizable to them and they just go with it. (On a tangent, it’s why I find LOST so compelling; despite that we, the viewers, want answers to every question and mystery, the writers are more concerned with seeing how people react in a strange world than explaining what the strange world is.)

Ok. Done with my brain fart.

• Malfoy certainly did talk about flying a lot. He complained loudly about first years never getting on the House Quidditch teams and told long, boastful stories that always seemed to end with him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters.

Emphasis mine. I laughed so hard at this line because either Rowling is a poor writer or Malfoy is the worst liar to have ever lied a lie. Because seriously…Muggles in helicopters. All this reminds me of is that fantastic Gathering of the Juggalos infomercial from last year:

Helicopter rides @ 7:54, if you please. L O L.

• Ron couldn’t see what was exciting about a game with only one ball where no one was allowed to fly.

Neither can I.

Neville, who I am convinced is the inspiration for Butters from South Park, gets a gift from his grandmother during breakfast on the morning of the flying class. He gets something called a “Remembrall” that glows red when you’ve forgotten something. It doesn’t actually tell you what you forgot, but I suppose that’s just out of the question in the Harry Potter world.

Point of this: Malfoy STEALS THIS FROM NEVILLE. What a wanker. But it inspires something that I found to be pretty damn awesome.

Flying class begins and it’s clear that something is different about Harry. He’s the only first year whose broom jumps up into their hand when ordered. And when the professor leaves to attend to Neville’s broken wrist, Malfoy steals Neville’s Remembrall, which had fallen out of his pocket.

Harry’s transformation from a meek Muggle to a powerful wizard is still ongoing at this point of the book, but there’s a huge leap forward right here: Harry finally has the confidence to stand up to Malfoy.

To say I was bullied as a kid is an understatement. Everyone picked on me: my “friends,” my peers, my teachers, the counselor, my brother and sister, and my parents. Everyone did. I was an easy target: unsure of myself and a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge nerd.

Which is why stores like this appeal to me. Perhaps this is a statement of bias, if anything, but tales like this seriously make me so happy. Oh god, am I that simple?

But how Harry stands up to Malfoy is pretty spectacular. Since Malfoy is a great broom flyer, he takes the Remembrall high up to a tree, expecting that all these LOWLY FIRST YEARS will be unable to get him.

I knew that Rowling had created a world where everyone tells Harry he’s special and the evidence is certainly there. Yet I was still surprised that without any training whatsoever, Harry’s desire to do good and help out Neville allows him to be able to fly.

Wait. He doesn’t just fly. He fucking dominates.

• Harry saw, as though in slow motion, the ball rise up in the air and then start to fall. He leaned forward and pointed his broom handle down–next second he was gathering speed in a steep dive, racing the ball–wind whistled in his ears, mingled with the screams of people watching–he stretched out his hand–a foot from the ground he caught it, just in time to pull his broom straight, and he toppled gently onto the grass with the Remembrall clutched safely in his fist.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HARRY POTTER.

Professor McGonagall catches Harry in the act (the previous teacher was off with Neville), and it appears he’ll be getting in trouble for it. OH NOES, I thought. Because now Harry’s life in Hogwarts is OVER JUST AS SOON AS IT STARTED.

But of course, there’s more than what’s on the surface. McGonagall takes Harry to meet a man named Wood. (No, really.) McGonagall wants Harry to be one of the only first years to be on the Gryffindor Quidditch team as a Seeker.

I know what one of those words means. Maybe two. And barely. Just barely. So…what?

But we’re not done yet. After Harry learns this information (and is asked to keep it a secret and immediately tells Ron), Malfoy resumes picking on Harry Potter.

• “Having a last meal, Potter? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?”

Oh you unlovable sod.

• “You’re a lot braver now that you’re back on the ground and you’ve got your little friends with you,” said Harry cooly.

FUCK. YES.

Unfortunately for Harry, though, Malfoy challenges Harry to a wizard’s duel at midnight. And before Harry agrees, Ron agrees for him and also says he’ll accompany Harry.

Oh boy. I love Ron, by the way. But not as much as Hagrid <333333333333.

And then Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone basically turns into an episode of LOST. Because everything gets really fucking strange and some questions are answered but then make me ask 85 million more questions. What.

As best as I can understand it, this is what happens:

• Ron and Harry sneak out of Gryffindor Tower through a painting of a fat lady. On the way there, Hermione confronts them and scolds them for possibly ruining things for everyone by losing points for Gryffindor. (Her obsession is kind of endearing, even as I expected to hate her do-gooder attitude. This is how you write a good character FYI.)
• Because paintings are not static in this world, the fat lady leaves her painting to go….somewhere? Basically, this locks our characters out of their tower. OOPS.
• They find Neville asleep on the ground. He had forgotten the password to get into Gryffindor so he just slept outside. omg this is hilarious to me.
• They go to the trophy room, where they’re supposed to meet Malfoy, but he doesn’t show up, Instead, the STUPID FILCH AND HIS STUPID DUMB CAT are searching for students who are out exploring and breaking the rules.
• Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Harry realize that Malfoy most likely lied about the duel and instead set them up to get in trouble. I cannot call Malfoy an unlovable sod more than I already have, yet I will continue to do it.
• Peeves, that weird, slightly unhinged ghost, catches the four of them sneaking around and starts screaming, “STUDENTS OUT OF BED!” why
• They run down various corridors and everything is very confusing and disorienting until Hermione uses a spell to unlock a door and they hide behind it.
• oh by the way THIS DOOR IS TO THE CORRIDOR ON THE THIRD FLOOR THAT IS FORBIDDEN.
• oh by the way guess what’s locked in this room and why it’s supposed to be off limits
• FUCKING CEREBRUS

NO. REALLY. There’s a fucking THREE-HEADED DOG JUST HANGING OUT UP THERE. And before it eats them all for a midnight snack, they do manage to escape and make it back to Gryffindor Tower undetected. But WHAT. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and then there’s this:

• “You don’t use your eyes, any of you, do you?” she snapped. “Didn’t you see what it was standing on?”

  “The floor?” Harry suggested. “I wasn’t looking at its feet, I was too busy with its heads.”

  “No, not the floor. It was standing on a trapdoor. It’s obviously guarding something.”

Well, holy shit. This just gets better and better.

• But Hermione had given Harry something else to think about as he climbed back into bed. The dog was guarding something…What had Hagrid said? Gringotts was the safest place in the world for something you wanted to hide–except perhaps Hogwarts.

WHAT

• It looked as though Harry had found out where the grubby little package from vault seven hundred and thirteen was.

oh man. I AM OFFICIALLY HOOKED ON HARRY POTTER oh god what are you doing to me J.K. Rowling i do not have time for a new obsession

oh but wait LOST ends on Sunday and I will need something to fill the vacancy in my heart 🙁 🙁