Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 7
In the seventh chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry is taken inside Hogwarts for the annual sorting ceremony. And that’s when everything just gets weird. As if Rowling intended for this chapter to be worshipped by baked college students later in life, it reads very much like a drug-induced stupor. Singing hats? Ghosts with hinges for necks? Floating everything? This shit is weird. If you’re intrigued, then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 7: THE SORTING HAT
I’m having a hard time processing the shenanigans I just read.
Shenanigans.
I haven’t decided if this is a gripe or a compliment yet, so I suppose I’ll have to wait to see how this pans out. But I’m pretty overwhelmed. It’s entirely possible that Rowling wrote “The Sorting Hat” specifically to be overwhelming, to best capture the same thing that Harry is going through. But seriously, like 200 new things were all introduced at the same time and I don’t know what any of them mean and please don’t give me an aneurysm J.K. Rowling 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁
Shall we?
- The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and Harry’s first thought was that this was not someone to cross.
It’s Professor McGonagall. We met her in the first chapter, as the cat hanging outside the Dursley’s. Except…wait, did we know she was a witch? I thought witches were bad? Or only some of them? I DON’T GET IT.
- “Welcome to Hogwarts,” said Professor McGonagall. “The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your Houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your House will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your House, sleep in your House dormitory, and spend free time in your House common room.”
OMG HOUSES. Will I finally learn what they are?
- “The four Houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding wizards and witches. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your House points, while any rule-breaking will lose House points. At the end of the year, the House with the most points is awarded the House Cup, a great honor.
Ok, but what the hell are the four Houses for?
Of course, this is unanswered. WHAT IS THIS, AN EPISODE OF LOST? Because then MORE WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS.
- He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to one another and hardly glancing at the first years. They seemed to be arguing.
I’m sorry THERE ARE ALSO GHOSTS IN THIS UNIVERSE what the fuck
- “Move along now,” said a sharp voice. “The Sorting Ceremony’s about to start.” Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.
Not only are there ghosts in this world, but it is totally natural for them to just interrupt ceremonies by floating through walls.
wat
I didn’t understand what the name of this chapter meant, but right after this, Rowling explains it:
- Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it, Harry thought wildly, that seem the sort of thing–noticing that everyone in the hall was now staring at the hat, he started at it, too. For a few seconds, there was complete silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth–and the hat began to sing.
WHAT.
I’ll excuse a singing hat only because it FINALLY EXPLAINS THE HOUSES:
- You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindor apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.
Ok. Ok. Let me get this straight:
Gryffindor: Brave, daring, chivalrous, courageous.
Hufflepuff: Loyal and patient and….willing to do lots of time-consuming minutia? They sound boring.
Ravenclaw: Smart people?
Slytherin: Self-serving and see things as a means to an end, so clearly TOTALLY EVIL.
Amirite?????
- Perhaps it was Harry’s imagination, after all he’d heard about Slytherin, but he thought they looked like an unpleasant lot.
Is it because Slytherin look like this?
It’s how they look in my head so don’t tell me otherwise.
Harry gets chosen as a Gryffindor and the hat says shit to him? Honestly, it creeped me out a bit. But I don’t know if I should have cheered for him becoming a Gryffindor? I still don’t get this house business.
- “Welcome!” he said. “Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!”
No seriously what
- The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, but he’d never been allowed to eat as much as he liked. Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted, even if it made him sick.
Thanks, J.K. Rowling, for taking such a joyous moment, and ruining it with these moments of deep poetic tragedy. But wait…one of the ghosts is going to speak to Harry?
- “I haven’t eaten for nearly five hundred years,” said the ghost. “I don’t need to, of course, but one does miss it.”
Yeah brb going to jump off a bridge.
And after being depressed to death, I’m then frightened into a coma by the next scene, in which we learn why this specific ghost, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy, is named “Nearly Headless Nick.”
- He seized his left ear and pulled. His whole head swung off his neck and fell onto his shoulder as if it was on a hinge. Someone had obviously tried to behead him, but not done it properly.
YEAH. THIS IS A CHILDREN’S BOOK. But wait, there’s more!
- Harry looked over at the Slytherin table an saw a horrible ghost sitting there, with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood. He was right next to Malfoy who, Harry was pleased to see, didn’t look too pleased with the seating arrangements.
WHAT.
Before the chapter is over, though, we are introduced to another new character who’s sitting next to Dumbledore:
- “Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he’s looking so nervous, that’s Professor Snape. He teaches Potions, but he doesn’t want to–everyone knows he’s after Quirrell’s job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape.”
oh god YOU SHOULD MOVE AWAY DUMBLEDORE BECAUSE SNAPE WILL KILL YOU VERY SOON OR SOMETHING oh god.
- “And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death.”
And then this is literally not explained at all. And is a completely serious statement. What is happening?
And then they are attacked by a ghost? His name is Peeves? And he throws walking sticks? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS.
- Perhaps Harry had eaten a bit too much, because he had a very strange dream. He was wearing Professor Quirrell’s turban, which kept talking to him, telling him he must transfer to Slytherin at once, because it was his destiny. Harry told the turban he didn’t want to be in Slytherin; it got heavier and heavier; he tried to pull it off but it tightened painfully–and there was Malfoy, laughing at him as he struggled with it–then Malfoy turned into the hook-nosed teacher, Snape, whose laugh became high and cold–there was a burst of green light and Harry woke, sweating shaking.
omg *~foreshadowing~*
So let’s have some fun with this. In order to help me understand what the significance of these Houses are, WE ARE ALL GOING TO TAKE THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG AND TEDIOUS TEST TO DETERMINE WHERE WE ARE SORTED.
Post your results in the comments. WHO IS A HUFFLEPUFF AND WILL DIE A LONELY VIRGIN?
It won’t be me because I scored RAVENCLAW. BOOYAH.
