Explaining the Video: Miley Cyrus’ “Can’t Be Tamed”

Okay, guys, I know this has the potential to bring out the worst in people. So I’m asking a few things of you here:

DO NOT COMMENT UNTIL YOU’VE READ THE WHOLE THING. Because I talk about some stuff near the end that is a little bit srs bznz.

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT leave comments calling Miley a “whore” “slut” or anything else like that. Why? It’s my blog and I don’t like it. Dislike her all you want, I don’t care. But don’t use those words here and DON’T try to argue with me that you should be able to. Take it elsewhere. Comments of a purely derogatory nature can and will be deleted.

Try to roll with it. Like my other blogs like this, I’m joking around for the most part. It’s just a music video, dig?

I’m going to be blunt: this really won’t be much of an “Explaining the Video” because, well, it’s pretty straightforward. But honestly, I didn’t feel right NOT blogging this video because, well…

…oh, look, there’s a woman with a birdcage on her face.

Oh, we are just getting STARTED.

So, anyway, there’s this scholar/announcer/guy in a tuxedo announcing they’ve got this very rare specimen in captivity. And what could that be?

Avius Cyrus.

IE: Miley Cyrus AS A BIRD.

At first, she’s turned away from the camera and we wonder, dear sweet Raptor Jesus, what could she look like? What kind of hideous combination of human and animal could this be? WOULD IT BE BANNED IN ARIZONA?

AND THE BIG REVEAL:

Oh. Oh, she’s…she’s got a lot of eye make-up on. That’s…not really BIRDLIKE, but I’ll hear you out.

Oh yes. A UNITARD. There are SO MANY BIRDS WEARING UNITARDS.

Well, at least there’s no badly CGI’d wings, right? Right?

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUU

First of all: BAD CGI. VERY, VERY BAD CGI.

SECONDLY: Those wings in NO WAY could support Miley during flight. Biologically they are ridiculous.

THRIDLY: OMFG, YOU GUYS, MILEY CYRUS HAS WINGS WHAT THE HELL.

Also, she’s supposedly this really rare creature, right? Well, suddenly a lot of OTHER bird-people pop up. Like, a lot of them.

And I don’t know if it occurred to the people who trapped her, but she is in the LEAST EFFECTIVE CAGE IN THE WORLD.

See, slips RIGHT through the bars.

So, because she’s now free, she and her bird people begin dancing around the place and wrecking shit up, yo. HARDCORE.

And then Miley Cyrus is a peacock.

I…um…I don’t know if anyone informed anyone else during this shoot? But peacocks, the MALE of the species, are the ones with the brightly colored feathers. Peahens, the females, are actually very dull looking.

*sigh* Sorry, Miley, I will take my logic elsewhere.

Wait, wait, I have a little bit more logic to interject: can we PLEASE find another symbol for teenage rebellion that’s not the “I’m gonna kiss a girl! Oops, wait, didn’t!”? I’m really, really sick of implied bisexuality being the fast track to “naughty girl.” Can we please find another taboo? ‘Cause a) girls kissing girls really shouldn’t be taboo and b) at this point it’s predicatable and boring. You kissed a girl, you liked it, nobody cares.

Back to the video: Miley and her horde of bird folks take over a statue and perch and dance and we get it, Miley. You’re a bad girl.

Bad girl? Birdgirl? Whatever, you’ve got like three guys feeling you up at once. We get the idea.

But you’re FREE! You can run away! You never have to go back to the cage!

YOU WENT BACK TO THE CAGE SO YOU COULD POLE DANCE?! SERIOUSLY?!

Oh well, so long as the CGI wings don’t come back.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Okay, so…this video is terrible. Just…on every level. Terrible. But I know what’s going to get thrown around here: Holy crap, Miley Cyrus, you’re 17, what are you doing?

On one hand: I grew up during the heyday of Britney and Christina, both of whom were being just as sexualized as 17 year olds as Miley is. This, for me, is nothing new. Miley’s trying to dump her Disney image, which I can’t blame her for. I don’t necessarily think she’s going about it the right way, but hey. That’s not my concern. I don’t know the day to day of Miley.

ON THE OTHER HAND: I’m not exactly HAPPY that she’s being this suddenly sexualized. She went from Hannah Montana sweet and innocent to writhing around and shoving people in her crotch seemingly overnight. There hasn’t been an evolution of Miley Cyrus, just suddenly “Hey, we can finally make her sexy without it being kiddie porn!” I don’t know the day to day of Miley, but I don’t get the impression she has a lot of control over her image and that she’s basically just being what people tell her to be…which in this case is a hypersexualized pop tart.

It’s a dangerous line to walk, really. She’s 17, most likely she is thinking about sex and sexuality. Hormones are fun like that. And it’s an age thing. And I don’t think she should be denied that or forced to repress herself in that regard. BUT I also don’t think suddenly taking her public image from one extreme to the other is a good idea, either. Also, I hate that the way we show that women, especially in pop music, have grown up is to make the more naked and sexy. I think it’s over simplifying things. You’re either sweet, childlike, innocent and virginal or you’re dressing sexy, making out with other girls, pole dancing and shoving people into your crotch, like, all the damn time.

Okay, there’s the serious business for this post. Anyway, yeah. Terrible CGI wings. What the hell?

Watch the full video here!