A Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Trapping (RPatz)
So, for those of you who haven’t heard, Robert Pattinson was hit by a car while being chased by rabid fans. He wasn’t hit very hard, but this raises an important point.
Girls today have no idea how to trap and then care for an RPatz.
This is no simple matter! In my day, girls were expected to be able to trap an RPatz by the age of 13. There were RPatz trapping Girl Scout badges. You could buy RPatz trapping kits in stores. Honestly, have we really moved so far into the computer age that the simple pleasure of trapping RPatzes has been lost to us?
That is why I feel it is time for me to present to you:
A Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Trapping (RPatz)
HOW TO RECOGNIZE AN RPATZ IN THE WILD:
HOW TO TRAP AN RPATZ:
In order to capture an RPatz, you will need the appropriate bait. Consider using the following:
- Cupcakes
- Film scripts better than those for Twilight (shouldn’t be hard to find)
- marijuana (only where legal)
- a sign that says “No Twilight Fans Allowed.”‘
Place your bait of choice under a box which has been propped up with a stick with a string tied around it. If cartoon logic proves right (and when has it not, really?), you should be able to pull the string and trap your new RPatz under the box. If he complains, tell him that you are doing this for his own good because you really, really love him. That should calm him down. Otherwise, try petting his stomach. It works on alligators.
SOME NOTES ON CARING FOR YOUR RPATZ:
FEEDING
- WARNING: YOUR RPATZ CANNOT LIVE ON A STEADY DIET OF DEER OR WILDCAT BLOOD. While the cover art may appear pretty, Twilight is NOT an accurate guide to keeping an RPatz. Only trust official guides such as this one or the one written in 1996 by Geena Davis.
- Since your RPatz is British, you may be inclined to feed him British food. I assure you, it would be much kinder to put a bullet in his brain and then violate his corpse.
- Feed your RPatz bacon. Why? Because it’s bacon.
BATHING
- Bathing your RPatz will be a chore. He will likely show a great aversion to water or, in fact, any kind of personal hygiene.
- If you experience too much trouble in this regard, strip him down and spray him with a hose. You are encouraged to take pictures of this event and share them with the internet.
DISCIPLINE
- If your RPatz grows too talkative, you can utilize a Russel Brand to interrupt him.
- Your RPatz may attempt to run away. If so, do not chase him into traffic. Instead, making a calming noise to lure him back. I suggest “I’ve got something shiny!” Or “MTV Films is bankrupt so Eclipse and Breaking Dawn won’t be made.”
- In general, never underestimate the effect that even a PICTURE of Stephenie Meyer can have on your new RPatz.
TRICKS
- You can make your RPatz talk with simple commands such as “ACT!” or “EMOTE!” (Please note: these techniques do NOT work on Kristen Stewarts and should not be attempted. Trying to get a Kristen Stewart to emote is like teaching a cat to do tricks: you might succeed but is it really worth it?)
- Your RPatz may also be trained to roll over, beg, fetch and stand completely still looking very, very lost.
If all goes well, you should have your own well-trained RPatz in no time. If it doesn’t go well, you’ll have to dispose of the corpse. But that’s a lesson for another time, isn’t it?
(This should go without saying, but this whole blog is meant in good fun. You know, humor? Keep that in mind when/if you comment)
