Halloween – Your guide to what not to do

For a great many of us, Halloween is one of the most important days of the year. The 31st of October is our Christmas, minus the bad sweaters and gifts you have to like because your Aunt So & So flew half way from where ever just to slap you in the face with some tighty whitey under-roos even though you’re not 7 anymore. Costumes can sometimes take months to create, be very elaborate, and perhaps severely expensive. Other costumes can look like what happens when Halloween has a hang over and keeps on drinking.

Guess what everyone is going to be for Halloween this year? That’s right folks, look what has replaced the time honored tradition of everyone dressing up like Brandon Lee in The Crow. It’s not that this version of the Joker is bad (in fact, this is actually quite good), it’s just that you know at least 10 people that are going to be The Joker.

There will be every variation of Joker on the streets this Halloween. I can see it in my minds eye. Large, wandering groups of teen boys with greasy hair, along side their future self bro dudes, and even some Lady versions will be meandering the streets in search of what other Jokers they look better than.

I don’t know about you, but I am getting myself a seltzer bottle to combat this sea of cake flour go amuck.

What would The Joker be without his Batman? It’s like taking the peanut butter out of a Reese’s. With that said, All Hail Mai Fanny Pack! Clearly, this Batman in the style of Adam West is either smuggling grapefruits or testing out his new Catnip Catwoman Catching Gadget.

Here is another gem of a costume I look forward to seeing many FAIL versions of. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this outfit. Dawning what looks like some sort of rain gear with last years modified Super Mario Bros. costume can fool most people, but not me. I have to give some credit for the clever use of lights. However, when your Grandma falls in her hallway because you took her Senior Light Guides away, you only have yourself and those tacky, spray painted cardboard legs to blame. Excuse me Ironman, but where are your shoes? I guess the world was in such dire need of being saved that such trivial things as shoes couldn’t keep Iron Man waiting.

This photo is like staring into the future after someone rubbed a magic lamp and wished for world peace. All the super heros are going to end up looking like sad versions of themselves. ‘Tis a sad day when Spider Man realizes he’s not in dancing shape and his orthopedic running shoes replace his graceful boots. So sad is that day that our fresh out of rehab Spidey falls off the wagon and forgets his hood because he’s simply given up.

Last I heard, it’s the Incredible Hulk, not the Incredible Bulk (Thanks to Bart Simpson for that). If it isn’t obvious, the reason for the dude’s apparent anger is because his costume is lacking in the awesome factor. She Hulk isn’t so bad. I will note that her costume doesn’t make me want to give her candy but perhaps a bath.

I will now take this time to admire the female of the speicies during Halloween with a seemingly sexist quote from the timeless classic “Mean Girls:”

“Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no ther girls can say anything about it.”

“I’m a mouse, duh!”

That’s right fair maidens. Halloween is your chance to let loose. We see this time and time again. Nevermind the Bride of Frankenstein, you too, can be a mouse with little to nothing on. It seems that no woman’s costume is without it’s “sexy” counterpart. This disturbs me. When I say every, I mean EVERY. Take a gander at this:

This is Hannah Montana. No, wait. This is Miley Cyrus. Wait. No wait. I can do this. Nevermind, it doesn’t really matter. If you want to be one or the other, just switch from blond wig to brunette wig. This is what I am talking about. Two costumes in one night means double candy.

I know right now you are probably thinking and wondering about our good friend Jack Sparrow. I have not forgotten. It’s not that I am saving the best for last or anything fancy like that. It’s just that this next get up is so overdone it really isn’t worth mentioning.

This ill attempt at Jack Sparrow is kind of frightening. I want to throw change at him so he will leave me alone. My bag of candy is yours if you dash off behind those bushes from whence you sprang forth. If there is anything wrong with pirate costumes, it’s all right here.

Here is a Jack Sparrow costume done right:

This almost makes me want to procreate or buy a dog. Babies in costumes are cute, until they start crying. Dogs in costumes are rather hilarious. You know, because taking you for walks at 3 a.m, giving you free noms and place to stay isn’t fairly traded with your constant companionship. You, Dog, will pay me back with my constant humiliation of you.

I almost feel like babies and pets have it kind of bad on Halloween. You have to wear something that is probably itchy, hot, and then everyone laughs at you or touches you. Too bad you can’t do anything about it because I am larger than you and you will do my bidding. I will also be eating your candy as payment for lugging you around from house to house.

With that being said, choose your costumes wisely! Stay tuned for the Gallery of Fail – The Halloween Edition.

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