Amazon’s Desperate Attempts at Human Contact (Part 1 of a new ongoing series)

So, I’m bad at people.

Like, bad at talking to them, bad at meeting them, bad at really saying anything to them. When presented with a social situation where I do not know anyone, I tend to just keep looking around like a lost kitten until somebody says something. Normally, that’s “Are you lost, sweetheart? ‘Cause I can help you find your way INTO MY PANTS!”

Did I mention my shit luck with meeting guys?

Anyway, this morning reached an all time(?) low. My usually crowded bus was boarded by a young man in a black and grey argyle sweater…and a lip ring.

Okay, HI!

Except I didn’t say “Hi.” He was wearing headphones and I fear rejection anyway. So despite spending most of the ride with his messenger bag in my gut, I did not say one word.

“The time has come” the walrus said. After all, haven’t I been feeling bold and sassy today? Did I not actually put on eyeliner? Am I not wearing honest to God JEWELRY (earrings and a ring combined with my usual moonstone necklace)? Am I not going to have to go through my yearly review today and HOPEFULLY be given a raise by my boss, because if not I don’t know how the fuck I’m paying my cellphone bill next month?

Yes, dear readers. It is time for me to resort…to CRAIGSLIST.

In the “missed connections, women for men” I have posted:

Saw you this morning on the 71D. Wanted to tell you that I liked the combination of the black argyle sweater with your lip ring. You had headphones on and it seemed rude to interrupt.
Please tell your significant other, if they exist (and they probably do), they are very VERY lucky.

Will I hear anything back? I’m betting no, but hey, who really knows in this crazy world of ours, right? Besides, this is just the first of my adventures in attempting human contact again.

Hey, I’m more likely to be motivated to do things if I know I can later share my embarrassment with the internet!