A day later

February 16, 2007

So, after yesterday’s job related fit, I spent an evening eating comfort food (brownies and sushi, my hips are hating me for it already) and then spent about half an hour meditating. Seriously. Not just deep thinking, but serious meditation, which I haven’t really done in awhile.

Basically, I was looking for some sort of sign that things were going to change for the better. I really just CAN’T take my job anymore, I literally spent half an hour crying at my desk after my boss sent me an e-mail once again reminding me that he treats me like I am less intelligent than your average 10-year-old. On top of that it looks like I probably didn’t get the library job I’d interviewed for and I’ve been beginning to feel like the perpetual runner up in everything I do: the only way I can win is if I’m the only one competing. No matter how hard I try, or how much I give of myself to something, I’m always going to be at best second best. And anytime I get turned down for something, I get told by people “Oh, it just wasn’t meant to be,” or “That just means there’s something better out there for you!”

But that implies that what IS meant to be, for right now, is a job where I am repeatedly made MISERABLE by my boss. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m female or because I majored in English instead of something “real” but it doesn’t matter. That man has absolutely no respect for me. And why should he have any? He only hired me because he was desperate and he didn’t want to upset the woman who suggested me, since he does business with her.

So, anyway, last night I ask for a sign that something’s going to work out, that I should keep going. I came very close to slipping back into some bad habits last night…luckily I avoided that. But that’s beside the point. Point is, I basically begged for a sign.

I use my old stereo as an alarm clock. It was a Christmas present years ago and I love it. Basically, one of the features I love is being able to set which song on whatever CD is in there is going to play when the alarm goes off. The current CD I have in there is called the “Remember the Moonsault” mix, a reference to the fact that it’s basically a fanmix I put together for (former) WWE Diva Amy “Lita” Dumas, a personal hero of mine. This is the woman who changed my life when I got to meet her (is there a DORK sign over my head yet? No? Good), gave me the courage to turn myself around and…well…let’s just say I’m a lot better off these days.

I had been lazy and had just been waking up to the first song, “One Girl Revolution” by Superchick (not huge on the band, but I love that song). Anyway, this morning, I hear the telltale whizzing noise of the CD starting up and start whispering “No. No. No,” because I did not want to get up and have to come into work today.

“One Girl Revolution” does not start playing. “Lovefurypassionenergy” by Boy Hits Car does. This was Lita’s entrance theme for her last few years in the WWE. And with my mad C and P skills, I recreate the lyrics for you here:

She’s like a lost flower Growing up through a crack In the bustling sidewalk Moving like a river so sad So hey, where we going? Tell me where we’ve gone Was there love and fury Energy and passion So f*ck your rules man You step up, you’ll go down fast I’ve got to release all the Shit that has made up my past So go paint your face and Proclaim thy warrior soul Cuz life is a brutal fight un- Til we show A shade of timelessness For we are all distinct And awaiting our Transcendental release So f*ck your rules man You step up, you’ll go down fast I’ve got to release all the Shit that has made up my past So go let your soul dance baby Time to free yourself at last Unshackle your life’s spirit Fly away far from the past Cuz it’s gone Like a lost flower growing with mad wind Like a sad river who has no end So f*ck your rules man Cuz here comes my passion So f*ck your rules man Cuz here comes my love So f*ck your rules man Here comes pure energy So f*ck your rules man Cuz here comes my fury SO F*CK YOUR RULES MAN SO F*CK YOUR RULES MAN SO F*CK YOUR RULES MAN SO F*CK YOUR RULES MAN So f*ck your rules man You step up, you’ll go down fast I’ve got to release all the Shit that has made up my past So go let your soul dance baby Time to free yourself at last Unshackle your life’s spirit Fly away far from the past.

I did not change the song. The only way to change the song involves turning the stereo on (which I had not done the night before, I had been wearing my I-pod instead), press a series of buttons, and then program the song. This is not a difficult process, but the odds of it happening pure by coincidence? Not very likely for that EXACT combination to be pressed to bring up that particular song.

I think I got my sign. Musically, even. So, um, whoever or whatever is out there and helped me out with that? Thanks. I mean it.

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